First post here as i'm a newby so i'm not sure how to really explain my experience very clearly, but i'll do my best so that you should get a pretty uncomplicated idea of what happened and maybe be able to share some of your knowledge with me.
So on Saturday the 9th Dec 2006 i was 17 wks pregnant (1st pregnancy) and had had no worrying bleeding (except light spotting at 4 & 8 wks which the DR put down to implantation bleeding, as it was brownish in colour and considered old blood that may have just broken away from the uterus wall as the baby was implanting into the womb).
I woke at 4:30am when i felt a quick warm gush (very much like someone tipping a bucket of water on your crutch)..... definately didn't feel like a trickle, although i was asleep, however i am a light sleeper & usually know when i need to go to the toilet during the night.
So i jumped out of bed (at this stage thinking i had wet the bed) & went to the toilet and did a normal wee, which i thought was a bit strange, considering i had just wet the bed, but i just put it down to the baby possibly putting pressure on my bladder and me leaking a little bit. I then had a shower & when i was drying myself i noticed a drop of blood at my feet. I then wiped with toilet paper and there was a bit more (but a brownish colour), so i put a sanitary pad in my underwear and tried to go back to sleep, but i was still confused at the bed wetting thing. I tried not to worry too much about the bleeding at this point, cos as i mentioned earlier in my post, i had spotting early on in my pregnancy & was told that some ppl go their entire pregnancy with spotting & that given the times of my bleeds, i was probably only spotting when i would have normally gotten a period, so i didn't stress too much about it. Also it was brownish so i though it was not an issue unless it was red!
Anyhow..... this is going to go on for a while, so i hope you are all into reading short novels, as i'm a bit of a blabber queen and i tend to really describe everything in detail, so sorry if i frustrate any of you.... although i'm sure you're all very happy to help & also just read
So when i woke in the morning (Keeping in mind that i had had no cramps or anything following my bleeding) my pad had quite a bit of blood on it but it looked watered down and still a more browny colour and this is when it occurred to me that i may not have wet my bed, and that it could have actually been my waters breaking. SO i called the emergency centre & they called me in to listen for a heartbeat... & although the nurse said she thought she got a very quick listen to the heartbeat of the baby.... i wasn't convinced! Mothers instinct i guess!!! She said that i either have a very active bowel or a very athletic baby, as she thought it was moving around in there, not staying still and that's why she couldn't locate the heartbeat for a long period of time! She shouldn't have said anything really, cos she raised my hopes a little, although i did suspect something untoward was happening.
So from here she told me she'd contact my obstetrician and ask him if there was anything else she could do for me before she sent me home, and because there were 2 other patients that had the same obstetrician as me, he came in & did a scan with the screen (which apparently the nurses weren't qualified to use or something). This is when he said there was not much fluid around my baby and that it looked as though the sac had collapsed. I was devastated.... but sooo numb i couldn't cry! I just kept looking at his facial expression while he was looking at the screen, cos he hadn't actually said in that many words that my baby had died, but i could tell it had and i knew that without the sac with the fluid, my baby couldn't survive even if there was a heartbeat.
He then told me gently that there was an absent heartbeat & that my baby was in fact dead and that she (we found out following the examination after my D&C) didn't appear to be the normal size of a baby at 17 weeks, therefore he was quite sure that she had actually died a couple (4, maybe 5) wks ago, shortly after my 12 week NT scan (scan for down's syndrome).
I was then referred to a better equipped hospital (about an hours drive) for a D&C. When we arrived there i passed something as we were walking in the hospital doors and i knew it was my baby, so i asked to go straight through to a toilet, where i removed the baby from my underwear & placed her in a container. I didn't really look at her as such..... didn't examine her if you know what i mean, so when i gave the container to the nurse, i was still quite shocked & although i could make out that it was my baby.... i didn't actually take notice of her arms and legs (only her body & head). So as you can imagine i was a little dazed by this & feeling quite icky to say the least
Long story short... or as short as i can cut without depriving you guys of a good insight...... my husband & i decided to view the baby's body to give us some closure & also cos i was asking questions about whether she had legs & arms. So they brought her in (in a little tiny basket with a blanket), and gave us some time with her. At this stage we didn't know her sex tho.... we actually thought it was a boy which is quite sad, as we kind of said our goodbye's to her as tho she was a boy and that hurts!!! Saying goodbye helped tho..... & the fact that i could see her perfect fingers & toes and that she actually did have legs & arms & facial features was comforting!!! I would have refretted not viewing her, as i would have only had that one image in my head, of when i put her in the container in the toilet cubicle.
So to finish off, (i don't know how ppl can keep a post to 5 or 6 lines, cos i'm writing a novel here), i had a D&C to remove the other products of conception (which was my placenta & a blood clot) and was sent home the following morning as the operation went fine!
Now for my questions tho.... i've been festering all week trying to determine why (when the baby is thought to have died at 13 weeks gestation), did i not get any bleeding until 17 weeks? And also why i didn't get any cramping or other signs of miscarriage (not that i'm complaining as my heart goes out to those who have had painful miscarriages). I'm so confused as the only time that i can remember having bad cramps (so bad in fact, that i had to clutch my lower tummy and was in quite a bit of pain in bed), was at 15 weeks.... but thought it was indigestion as it started after my evening meal and was quite high up in my chest initially & moved down lower as the night progressed, and it wasn't until my last 2 weeks (from 15-17 wks) that i started showing/growing.
Not sure why i didn't seek doctors help when i got my cramps, but i did not see any concern as there was no bleeding or anything else to suggest i was miscarrying and also the pain was gone by the next morning anyway. Has anyone else experienced this (having no cramps/minor cramps & no bleeding initially???) Also has anyone else experienced their waters breaking that long after the death of their baby.....(Somewhere around 4-5 wks after???) Also, i'm confused at how my baby could have died at 13 wks without my body recognising this and giving some kind of sign. I carried my dead baby inside me for 4 or 5 wks thinking she was fine.... waiting so eagerly for my next scan to see how big she had gotten..... and then this!!!
I can't understand why my sac was still growing, without my baby being alive..... but the only thing i can think of, is that my body didn't regognise this straight away & it wasn't until my sac recognised that there wasn't a baby big enough to accomodate it..... that it decided to terminate and abort my pregnancy (and this is when my waters broke.... when i thought i'd wet the bed)! Not too sure tho..... i might sound clued on at the moment, but i'm really just numb & although i sound as though i might be onto something with that thought, i've just had time to think & it's basically all that's been running through my head for the past 7 days.
I will finish now though, as you're probably all asleep anyhow, but i do hope that this post has helped some of you & that some can relate to it & also i hope that some of you can give me some guidance or some answers in some form
Thanks for reading/listening and hope to hear from you all soon
I'm so sorry that you have gone through this. My bag of waters broke at 20 weeks, however my baby didn't die till hours later, so I can't answer all your questions. I can tell you that it was probably the hardest experience of my life. You will need to grieve and it takes a long time. Unfortunately most of the time there are no clear answers as to why (I'll never know why) but you have to find a way past needing every answer. I think spending time with your baby was a great thing, I cherish the moments I had with Hannah. Hang in there and try to find someone that you can talk to about your baby. I had a friend that I talked to, she would let me talk or cry whatever I needed. I also wrote in a journal for a while, which helped give me a place to say the things that I felt to awful to share with a person. I'm not sure if this helps, but know that you are not alone and it will get better.
I am so sorry to hear your story. I also had a missed miscarriage, but I found out at 10 weeks, and took misoprostol to induce the miscarriage. They said according to the size it had died at about 7 weeks. I also had a normal u/s just days before they think the baby died. I didn't have any symptoms at the time other than a lower back ache, and some spotting at six weeks, and then at 10 weeks. I was feeling pregnant with morning sickness, breast tenderness and all that whole time my baby had died. I realized when I was looking for information, that it is all very general with a lot of "we can't determine why" answers. I wish there was more information out there about women's symptoms, because a lot of times they aren't classic. Thatís why I've found this board to be so valuable, because you hear stories from women that have a lot more information, and then you realize that your story and questions are the same as others. I wish I could give you some answers. I'm sure youíre having to deal with a lot right now psychologically as you must have though you were in the clear in your 2nd trimester, and shared the news with others. My heart really goes out to you! Please take care!
I'm wondering if you requested an autopsy on the baby and testing on the placenta. I know it all sounds kind of terrible but in reality, it would give you answers that might help the next time you try to get pregnant.
I had a very late loss at 34 wks although my daughter died in utero at 33 wks. She was also much smaller than the size of a normal 34 wks pregnancy. Her size was closer to what you would expect to see in a pregnancy of around 28 wks.
I had IUGR (interuterine growth retardation) due to blood clots in the placenta. You did say that you had to have a blood clot removed when they did a D&C to remove the placenta so you might want to question that in your pregnancy. The blood clots can cause reduced nutrients to the placenta which in turn cause retarded growth levels in the baby. It's possible that your baby only died quite recently but was small in size due to the blood clot inhibiting the nutrients that reached her.
I hope you can find answers that will bring you some peace.
first let me say how sorry I am to hear of your loss, I have had similar experiences and even know (almost 2 years on) I have so many unanswered questions which is probably one of the hardest things. I dont know where to start but like wizard,yourself and others I was told my baby had died weeks before than what it had. I know this is not the case because I felt my baby kicking 2 days before I found out he had died. I had a missed miscarriage at 19 wks and they said he was measuring 16 wks, I think the baby can sometimes shrink after it has died as I know for a fact when I felt the kicking the whole reason I went into hospital was coz I hadnt felt kicking for 2 days and like yourself had no pain no cramping not even a bleed took me totally by surprise this is why they are called missed miscarriages coz you miss the symptoms, I also lost another one at 15 wks, in the exact same way although I found out as I brought a doppler due to losing the other one. I checked with the doppler every day just so I knew for sure exactly when he died.
words cannot express what has happened to you but I hope by sharing my experiences it may help a little
take care of yourself wishing you all the best and I hope you can get the support you need from these boards like I have.
Like you my baby died at 13wks 6days gestation, but I was supposed to be farther along 16+ wks. And like you I had no signs of an impending m/c. I was also showing and growing. I even had morning sickess up until the day after my D&C.I never found out the sex via ultrasound but after the baby was born I found she was a girl. I had a feelig she would be.
I never had any bleeding or spotting my entire pregancy. I had two other m/c before this one and they were so differ. I had terrible cramps, lower back pain and bleeding. No D&C with those. So with this last baby I thought I was in the safe for sure. It wasn't until I went in for a routine check for HB listening that none was found .....when we had just heard it a few wks earlier. I new then what the outcome would be. And sure enough baby showed no HB and unmoving on the monitor. I was so numb and in shock as well. I didn't even cry for a while. I couldn't. I bascially just sat and stared. I had a weekend to prepare for surgery with baby to say goodbye to it in me. It felt so surreal. I didn't really show emotion till I came too after surgery and asked if my baby came out okay. Then reality set in.
Its been two months and I am still having a hard time dealing with this. I have good days and bad ones. You will as well.
I too wonder why with this one my body didn't know that the baby had died. Its called a missed misscarriage. Only in retropect do I wonder about something that happened around the time the baby had died. I delt with constipation for a long time all through the entire preg. But two differ days I all of a sudden had the worst gastric cramps like I needed to go diarrhea but I was pretty clogged up so it was just a lot of painful cramps. Im sorry to be gross and graphic. Its interesting but when that happened I had a nagging feeling that wasnt normal I even did some google searches to ease my mind, but no blood and still preg symptoms.. so I thought I was fine. I truly believe that was when my baby was dieing.
Feel free to chat on here with us and to vent if need be. I tend to write reallly long blogs as well. Take care and hope you find some answers.--Jess
I'm sooo sorry to hear about your loss too My thoughts are with you! It's a whole different concept to grasp in your situation, as your waters broke, however you baby was still alive. You must have felt so helpless I really am truly sorry!
My situation, although sooo sad & one i'll never forget, was maybe easier for me to deal with as i did not have that extra stress of feeling helpless & hoping for a miracle (although as we know a baby can't survive outside the womb at such a young age).
Seeing my baby was such a help & although i don't know how i was so clear headed at the time, (to know that this was something i knew i'd regret if i didn't) i am so glad i saw her & got to say goodbye
Talking really does help doesn't it? And my husband is great aswell! He hasn't initiated many conversations about Caitlyn as yet (usually waits for me to bring it up..... as maybe he's unsure if he could upset me), but when i do bring it up & want to talk about her, he always listens and responds as i need him to...... & that's helping you know...... i'm even starting to smile when i think of her now and as hard as it is to move past the "What if's" and the "Unknown" for her future...... i can see that light at the end of the tunnell already, & i can see that i have sooo much happiness in store for me in my future
I was worried initially that other pregnancies will be all the more stressful, (and they will i know), but i want to take things one day at a time & hope for my little miracle baby soon! I was also worried about when future babies are born, will it bring this all back for me, or will i just be so happy holding that little bundle in my arms? I still don't know the exact answer for that and i guess i won't until that time comes.... but i'd like to think that a part of my first little angel's soul, lives on in my next baby and that they will be one of the same. It's comforting to think that the next might even be my first baby given another chance at life, (although i'm a little hesitant to believe this fully, as i don't want to forget the person she is and believe that she is living wholely in my next child). I just like to think that a piece of her will always live on within me & all my other children also!
I was given a frangipani tree as a gift from a friend & i've named it "Caitlyn's tree".... and we're going to plant it in her rememberance
Sorry to hear about your losses also! Your case sounds very much like mine, as i had an episode at approx 13 weeks where i felt like i had to do a number 2.... but diarhea (sorry if too much info), & i hadn't been feeling myself all day.... alittle unwell & slight discomfort in my lower abdomin. So when i began walking to the toilet, i started feeling dizzy and blacked out & started feeling as though i was going to vomit (which was a bit unusual as the only sickness i had really gotten at this stage was an icky feeling in the mornings and tiredness), but remained standing and just held myself up using the wall. I then kept blinking to get my vision back & eventually made it to the toilet once i could see. I sat down & knew that i needed to do a number 2 and vomit, but i'd much rather clean vomit off the toilet floor than the other, so i moved the toilet mat & vomited on the floor.... but then nothing else..... no number 2 at all. I felt fine after this and then no other signs followed so i put it down to too many brazil nuts earlier on in the day with only water in my stomach (i hadn't eaten much this day, because as i mentioned earlier i was feeling quite average all day).
I too never found out the sex of my baby through ultrasound (we wanted it to be a surprise), and then through examinations after the fact, we found out also that ours was a little girl We named her Caitlyn May (as she was due in May 2007). I also had a feeling that Caitlyn was a girl, and had said all through my pregnancy that i thought this was the case, even tho my husband & sisters all thought it would be a boy. I always said "I don't know why i feel that it is, but something is telling me she's a little girl!" I feel now as though i knew her all along! I cried when i got off the phone to the autopsy people when they told me she was a girl, as i felt like it was mothers instinct & i had no idea it could set in that early
I too used the word numb .... and surreal!!! It's all that comes close to describing the emptiness we feel and the pain we're going through, as no other word seems to come close. I said to my husband after the D&C, "This is like a horrible nightmare & i just want to wake up.... it's just sooo surreal". I couldn't seem to cry either.... my family seemed to be crying more than me!!! Even on my first night at home i was too exhausted to cry & just fell asleep (which i wasn't sure if i would), & woke the next morning & remembered what had happened & still.... nothing! All i felt was exhaustion & fell back asleep. And like you, i just sat & stared most of the time. Still am really.... as mine was only 1 week ago yesterday so still very raw, but this site is helping & it's great to have some support & also give support to others. It's very comforting
Your name has 1983 in it!!! Is this the year you were born??? I was born in August 1983 so i would say, if so, we're very close in age Not to mention dealing with the same feelings!
Sorry for your loss. It's all so much to get our heads around really isn't it? Especially like you said, thinking i was in the clear doesn't help.
The "we can't determine why" answers got on my nerves too, as this time is already sadening & stressful enough, without not knowing what could have caused it! It makes me all the more scared to try again, as i don't want to go through this all over again. Although i will as i want to keep my hopes up. Are you still trying?
Thankyou for your response and sorry for your loss!!!
With my D&C i'm quite sure they said there was a blood clot to remove also as well as my placenta (unless they said there was just blood), but whatever it was.... they saw it on the screen when they checked whether there was still any products of conception left in my womb. So i don't really know but i will question that with my DR on my next appt, as i have a follow up appt booked for the 3rd Jan... so thanks for that
I was offered an autopsy & i accepted this, as i did want to know some answers... if there was going to be any. They said they'd do a non-invasive examination first, and then if they found nothing from there & if we wanted to proceed, they would do further examinations, which involve a full autopsy to try & determine the cause of death.
They came back to us after performing the non-invasive examinations & said that there was nothing untoward that caused any concern & asked if we wanted to proceed with the full autopsy, and my husband & i (after discussing this) decided we did want to go ahead with it, as we wanted closure & it would help if there were some answers.... although we know that in some cases there aren't!!!
I felt really cruel giving permission for someone to do a full autopsy on my baby & i felt as though i was being selfish and a bit vulger (gross), but i really need answers, even if they come back & say it was a natural miscarriage where my body may have known there was something wrong with my baby, then atleast i won't be as scared next time when i fall pregnant, as it was more of a chance thing than anything else. But at the same time.... getting the full autopsy is giving us closure & also re-assuring us that we did try everything to get some kind of answers.
Seeing as though i was really concerned about my secision to have a full autopsy, i asked the nurse how often people choose to go forward to this and whether i am being selfish in my decision to do so, and she said that more people choose TO go ahead with it than those who don't, so that made me feel a little more at ease with it. She also said that i shouldn't be disheartened if there are no findings, as this can be seen as a positive aspect because it gives a higher probability of a successful full-term pregnancy next time which was comforting to hear...... but fingers crossed hey!
Thanks for your kind words & advice & also sorry to hear about your losses also!
Sorry it's taken me a little while to reply, however i had a great response to my post & wanted to reply to all who wrote me individually It's actually harder than i thought to reply to everyone, as i feel as though i'm not keeping up with them, however.... Guys if you're reading this..... i am getting to you!!! I haven't forgotten
I hadn't yet felt my baby move, as this was my first pregnancy & they say you may not feel any movement with your first up until about 19 or 20 weeks anyway, so i was quite upset about that, as that could have been a good indicator for me when my baby did die. Like you said though.... it's very possible that they do shrink after they die, cos i know my DR told me that mine appeared to have shrunk a little bit from his view on the ultrasound screen, but he was basically saying that it had died earlier (at approx 13 weeks) and had probably shrunk over time as it began to break down. I saw her after i'd passed her though & she didn't look as though she'd been dead for 4 or 5 weeks..... & i questioned with my doctor whether the amniotic fluid (which had only burst the day of her birth), would keep them somewhat preserved, & he said that inside the womb, babies decompose & breakdown at a different rate to humans that are exposed to the air in the outside world and therefore although she may not have looked quite as though she's been dead for that long.... that it's most likely that she had!!!
The DR also said my baby was even quite small for a baby of 13 weeks, but they allowed for the shrinking & they measure gestation by the baby's foot size which i guess doesn't change much, even if shrinking of the body begins first. Atleast you have a round about idea for yours, but i have only what the DR has told me & i find it sooo hard to believe!
I keep trying to think of things that happened around that 13 week time & whether certain things could have been when my baby was dying! (such as what i thought was just indigestion..... or when i had some stomach discomfort which made me feel like diarrhea was coming on & i ended up vomiting & nothing else.... no diarrhea!) I thought this was just related to the fact that i hadn't eaten much all day & all i had eaten were brazil nuts & a bottle of water.
The weird thing was though, that when i vomited, it was 2 days before my 12 week NT scan when everything appeared fine. However i do wonder whether that was the start of it, because on that last scan at 12 weeks, the doctor couldn't get the baby to wake up so she kept asking me to cough and also asked me to let out more urine in order to wake her up to measure the space behind the baby's neck (for down's syndrome). I did this & when i returned she had woken up but didn't appear happy at all. She was bouncing around in there like she was really agitated!!! I asked if this was normal and whether she can harm herself doing that, and the doctor said they have a lot of cushioning in the womb & the doctor didn't appear to be disturbed or concerned about it.... so i just thought it was normal & put it down to my baby being grumpy that i had woken her
But in your case.... you're the best judge of whether your baby was still alive cos as you said.... you felt him kicking.... & then 2 days had passed with nothing!!! Sounds as though you're right
I finally understand what they mean by missed miscarriage aswell now, as i thought that meant that you miscarried without realising that you're even pregnant.... like an early miss or whatever they call it. I know that on my referral for my D&C the DR had written that i'd had an incomplete miscarriage, (although i hadn't passed any products of conception at the time.... only blood..... & my waters had broken), however this is what was written on there and i've read things since that say that an incomplete miscarriage is when you pass the baby or fetal tissue & have to have a D&C afterwards to remove the other products of conception because they didn't pass with the fetus.
So i hadn't yet passed the baby or any fetal tissue & it was still referred to as an incomplete miscarriage. I guess he knows what he's talking about though & it probably is referred to as that, as it was still not complete when i was referred. Perhaps he didn't write on there that it was a missed miscarriage, as mine wasn't completely missed because i was bleeding and my waters had broken.... which are both huge signs that something is wrong
I 'll have to check with him at my next appt in a weeks time, as i'm stil unsure, & questions like that still need answering.... even if they seem small in comparison to the rest of what we're dealing with. I mean...... some people will say "A miscarriage is a miscarriage! Does it really matter about the technical side of things". But it does to a lot of us, & it definately weighs on our minds
Anyhow... better keep moving. Thanks for your help.... it's been useful!!!
You know, I want to say how impressive and sweet it is that you have written to each and everyone of us who have responded to you. Thank you for that, it mde me feel good.
Yes, it is true I was born in 1983 and am 23. Pretty young to be dealing with all of this. But good news too is we are young and we have plenty more years to hopefully have a healthy live baby.
I feel really alone sometimes....like no one really knows what its like to be going through this sort of trauma. My friends have even admited feeling helpless in that they can't relate but know I am in pain. One thing I hate is to be felt sorry for. But..what can you do.
I have been married for two years and my husband and I actually decided to wait a couple years befor we even started to have a family. Then six months into the marriage I became pregnant on Birthcontrol. It was a surprise but of course I was estatic. I was actually in Boston visiting my family when I m/c and lance my husband was home in Washington. I was eight weeks.
After that m/c in October 05' I couldn't stop thinking of being a mom. A new found desire in me had been awakened. But my husband talked me into starting BC again and waiting before we to try again. However I was having a hard time and I really wanted that baby. Finally, my husband agreed for us to try again and after a month and a half I got pregnant. But lost that baby at7 wks in June. That one was really hard actually even though I wasn't that far along. I did not get a D&C and my husband and I even though we tried to prevent so, concieved just 2 wks after that June m/c with #3. I was so sick with her and miserable but at the same time happy because I was sure she would be my charm. I just knew it! I never got morning sickness with the others or grew in the tummy. Things were just so different and I thought that meant she would stick.
With this last one I too have thought this was a never ending nightmare. I had my first D&C, then two weeks later on Oct 3rd I woke up with the most painful cramps ever. I went to the bathroom and oxygen rich red huge clotty blood would not stop pouring out of me. I had to get to class and was trying to frantically clean it up to no avail for over an hour... I made a mess everywhere, was hemmorhging I called my mom on the phone on the other side of the country, shes an OB nurse. I yelled at lance to wake up and come in there. My mom said I needed to get to the hospital. I had to have an emergency D&C and a blood transfusion for low hemoglobin. When my doctor told me that, I threw up my hands (barely as I was weak) to say I give up. what was also hard was I stayed in OB unit for recovery and heard the heart beat monitors and new born babies crying.
after my second m/c the doctor did a bunch of blood work to rule out certain problems associated w/ m/c's. All came back neg. After the third I finallly went to a reproductive endocrinologist for some help maybe. He said when I had my period in Dec. to come in and they would start some differ tests. They will also try clomid and progesterone supplements as well as aspirin in case my blood tends to want to coagulate, which I think it does. I have always passed lots of clots in periods. I don't know we shall see. Dec is here I was supposed to have my period on the 12th. Its late but I seriously doubt I am pregnant and think its just screwed up due to the surgeries.
Are you going to wait before you try again?
How are you feeling now? Better or worse.
How is your husband dealing with this?
Mine cried when we saw the baby moving and heard her heartbeat. When we saw her unmoving and dead, I knew he was distraught but he was more concerned for me...But I knew he was down. He seemed to get over it though in like two days. I know thats not true though and men just deal with losses like this differ than us women since we carry these babies and may bond with them more.He keeps droping hints that we should wait to try for awhile...Yeah..I just don't know about that as I think of having a baby a lot.....
You are such a brave person & to have been through miscarriage 3 times...... i really don't know how you do it, but to have such a clear goal.... you definately know what you want & i truly hope that you get your healthy baby soon
I have also been married to my husband Ashley for 2 years in February, so there's another thing we have in common. I know exactly what you mean about feeling alone & having friends who don't know what to say or do to make us feel better.... but you know.... i just think as long as they're there for us to cry on or just to talk, then that's all we need!
I haven't cried to anyone but my husband & my mum! I cry alone at night when Ash has fallen asleep (just quietly though, under my breath), cos i feel like that's my time to grieve... & usually it only lasts about 10-15 minutes or so & then i'm basically too exhausted & i often cry myself to sleep. I can't seem to cry on my friends shoulders, as i feel for some reason that i need to be strong around them & i can't seem to let that guard down
Because i only miscarried on the weekend of the 9th Dec, and had my D&C that day, we want to wait for my next normal period in about 4 or 5 weeks before we start trying again.... but yeah, we definately want to try again & this time we hope with all our hearts that we can hold our little baby in our arms when he/she is born (healthy & full-term).
And i can totally relate to the emptiness you feel inside & that longing to be a mother. I feel it now more than ever, and although my first pregnancy was planned through & through, it's not until you lose that baby that you realise quite how much you really want it! Hope you know what i mean.... i'm sure you can relate!
I'm feeling a little better but still have my up & down moments & even hearing certain songs on the radio remind me of her! You know like the ones you hear in the car on the way home from the hospital that make you cry uncontrollably & also the ones that are just sad.
But overall, i'm coping well & i'm just looking to a much more pleasant 2007.
Ash took it pretty much the same as your husband! His face lit up when he saw the baby on the ultrasound screen with her heartbeat etc at 6 wks, 9 wks & 12 wks & then when the doctor told us the news (the morning we went in to the emergency centre), his face just dropped & i could tell he was in pain! But like yours.... he seemed to be more concerned for me! Funny that, how they imidiately put us before they're own feelings.... but sooo sweet I couldn't even cry then.... & i didn't want him to hug me cos i knew i would cry & i didn't want to for some reason.... guess i was just in shock. But then when my mum poked her head around the curtain in the hospital, and said "How you going?"...... i just lost it!!! It's amazing how mum's can have that effect on us hey? Haven't really cried with mum again though. Like i said, i find it hard to let that guard down unless it's uncontrollable.
But like you said aswell..... guys seem to deal with it differently & although yours seemed to be over it within a couple of days, i'm sure his pain still exists & still will for a long time yet.... and it will never completely fade, it will just get easier! It's strange that we use the word "Get over it", cos i actually hate that thrase & the use of it in these circumstances sounds really wrong doesn't it, cos we never get over it, but it seems to be the word that's used most!!!
Just a quick question for you though.... How long ago did you miscarry with your 3rd (was it June???) & how far along were you with that one? She was a girl wasn't she? Did you name her? Ash & i named our little girl Caitlyn May. Ash chose her middle name because she was due in May
I am a daycarer by occupation and one of the parents of the children i care for brought me a frangipani tree as a gift & to express her sorrow to us, & we decided to call it "Caitlyn's tree" & we're going to plant it in the yard in a nice place so that we always have a beautiful reminder of her
That would have been really hard for you to be in a recovery room where you could hear babies crying :-( I don't know how i would have dealt with that! It just all seemed so surreal!
Well it's late here in Australia, so i'll be off to bed but will check in tomorrow & hope to hear from you again soon. It will be great to keep in touch & share future success stories
I never saw her after they removed her from me....that must have been so hard but at the same time must have given you some closure too.
I was supposed to be over 16 weeks but my baby measured 14 wks... I was almost to the point where I would get to find out her sex via ultrasound.. or so I thought.... You know I wanted to name her and plant a tree for her...but then I didn't want to favor her over the others you know just because she was farther along....because I never did it for them.
We just bought a new home so then I wanted to plant trees here for all of them...but its winter and we are renovating the whole inside and its taking so much time. But bottom line...I am procrastinating and I need to just do it, period...
Yeah she was a girl. Like I said I always had that feeling...even though from the very beginning everyone told me she was going to be a boy...
Before I even knew I was pregnant I started to crave buffalo hot spicy wings..like I never even liked those before and thats all I wanted to eat...of course then at 6 1/2 wks preg. I became so sick from morning sickness..anything with flavor made me so sick... well one of my best friends brittany said she craved the same thing when she got pregnant and she had a boy so she was bent set that I was to have a boy...and other things similar that made people think she was a boy..But I knew....
we found out she died end of Sept. and I had my second D&C with her on Oct 3rd. So over 2 months ago...
Have a great day!--Jess
Last edited by moderator2; 12-19-2006 at 06:53 PM.
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I can totally understand why you didn't plant a tree or something similar for this one, because... as you said "You hadn't done anything for the others yet & didn't want to seem as tho you were favouring her over the others"!!! You'll get around to it one day, & it will help you aswell, knowing which baby each tree represents
I chose to see Caitlyn, because i actually passed her naturally in my underwear upon arrival at the hospital & as i was in a bit of shock i only had a quick glimpse (enough to know it was the fetus) before putting her in the container for examination. It was only because i was asking the nurses if she had arms and legs (because they must have been stuck to her body at the time of birth) that they actually asked me if i'd like to see her.
I'm sure they would have asked later on.... but i s'pose i intervened in a way as i was very shocked still & the image i had in my head was quite different to what i had expected!!! So they cleaned her up & placed her in a little tiny basket type thing ontop of some blankets & brought her in..... & to be honest it really did help in the grieving process, as i was able to see her for myself & all of my distressing thoughts on what i thought she looked like where put to rest & we're replaced by the assurance that she was not malformed...... but a perfect little girl with 10 little tiny fingers & 10 little tiny toes
Did you fully undersand what was involved with a D&C the very first time you were told to have one??? I didn't 100%. I mean.... i knew they were going to remove the baby & the other products of conception using suction (keeping in mind that at the time i was told i needed a D&C, i hadn't yet passed the baby naturally). So, when my DR said to me that, depending on the actual size of my baby i might not be able to have a D&C & may need to be induced & give birth to her.... i was totally against it! I was thinking to myself....."There's no way i'm giving birth to my baby.... it will just torment me even more". I just wanted them to do the D&C so i wouldn't have to be induced!
Since passing Caitlyn naturally though, & having the D&C to remove the remaining products of conception, i found out that when a baby is removed by suction (in a D&C), they are actually very damaged (sorry if this is sounding horrible at all.... but i want other people to know also if they didn't already), & often you are not actually allowed to see your baby because of this reason. So if i'd known that prior to expressing my feelings so strongly about being induced.... i would have definately taken the inducing birth option!!! Purely because i can't stand the thought of my baby being hurt or damaged.... not really because i wanted to see her, cos i didn't know that i would want to see her at that stage!
So as sad as i am that this has happened & for all that i've had to endure.... i am thankful that things happened the way they did, as i was given that chance to say goodbye to my little girl in person and i wasn't one of the unfortunate ones who had to find out what a D&C actually entailed, after the fact!!! Were you told specifically what was involved??? Did your DR tell you the baby would be damaged? (Sorry again if this is too blunt)
Were you going to find out the sex when it was possible via ultrasound??? We wanted to keep it as a surprise
I never really had bad morning sickness Mine was more like just a queazy feeling in the morning & that usually subsided after i had breakfast (sometimes throughout most of the morning & early afternoon.... but often returned around tea time), & tiredness. I was quite tired & as soon as my body would stop, i'd feel physically drained & just want to close my eyes & sleep. But work interferred with that definately.
I run my own family day care business from home & care for about 4 or 5 children a day, so i was constantly on the ball.... until the children's sleep/rest time.... & that is when i'd usually sit down for a rest & just wanna zonk (sleep)
I craved some really weird things, banana paddle pops, Hungry Jacks Whopper burgers (Burger King.... as you'd know it) & polish sausage (but as you'd know that's processed meat & pregnant women aren't allowed to eat it). I would try to keep away from the cravings majority of the time, as i didn't want to end up the size of a house.... so i just satisfied them every now & then
So many people have different ideas on how to determine the sex of your baby without ultrasound confirmation, but i don't know..... they just vary sooo much & more often than not, the baby comes out the oposite to what everyone expected anyway, so i think if you really want to know in the future.... definately get an ultrasound to tell you, because otherwise if we trust these people who think they have "the gift", then we'll probably be buying all of the wrong coloured clothing & furniture. LOL