On Jan. 12 we had our second angel baby at 17 weeks, Dylan after I spent a couple of days slanted backward trying to get the amniotic sac to go back into my uterus. Instead my water broke and I gave birth a few hours later. The worst thing is that after my water broke I could feel him kicking and turning so much. I kept thinking that he is alive and wants to live just like the son we lost 3 years ago at 22 weeks except with him (Shawn) my water broke at 20 weeks and I lasted almost three weeks in the hospital. The told me it was just a fluke that time, my cervix didn't appear to be dialated and that it probably wouldn't happen again. With Dylan I could feel the amniotic sac which was horrible because I knew it was happening again.
It was not an easy pregnancy because I have fibromyalgia and my symptoms were magnified hugely but it was so worth it, we wanted him so badly. I really felt positive about this pregnancy, had looked at cribs and other baby stuff and my two living boys (13 & 10) were so excited about getting a little brother or sister. We have also lost 3 other pregnancies in the first trimester which was very hard.
It was the worst sense of deja vu walking into the same funeral home that buried our last son. Dylan will be buried about 4 feet from Shawn when spring comes and we can have his headstone installed then as well. I feel like I'm drowning, I can't stop crying, and I am feeling so guilty. It was my body that caused this my boys were perfectly healthy, just too small, and my body let them down. My husband and doctor have said it was nobodys fault but I feel so guilty.
I want a baby so badly (what I really want is Dylan, Dylan and Shawn preferably, but I can't have that) and my husband has been so devasted by this refuses to let us get pregnant again. I don't think time will change his mind either. He says maybe in a year or two we can adopt or take in a foster child. I would be devasted to lose another baby but want to be pregnant so badly I would be willing to have the worst pregnancy on the planet if it got me a healthy baby.
I know this is all probably just the ramblings of a grieving, hormonal female, but I would love to hear from anyone who has been through late miscarriage and/or incompetent cervix. My thoughts and prayers are with anyone else who is experiencing or has experienced the loss of a baby. Hugs and love to you!
I just experienced my first miscarriage this past week. I was 7 weeks along. It seems like every week is another year you bond with your baby. It's not easy. I don't know if this will help you feel any better but I'll share this with you because it helped me.
This is a personal believe so you can take it however you would like. I believe that all children pick their parents before they are born. Some of our our children only need to come here to receive a body because they are so perfect. One day you will meet with your children again. Try not to think this was your fault. Instead think of the miracle you and your husband provided for them. They love you both so much for everything you have done. They will always be watching over you and your family. Your sweet, precious, and perfect angles.
This is based off my religious believes and I know thats a hard topic for most people. It just makes sense to me and it helps the grieving process. I hope this can help you and maybe others. Try to make sense of it from what you believe maybe. I hope I didn't offend anyone.
I wish you the best of luck during these hard times.
Thank you for the hug JoJo, I feel like I can't get enough of them. I wish you a warm loving hug right back. I am sorry that you are going through the loss of a baby yourself. I hope your recovery will be easy physically and let the emotional side run its course. I believe that my two boys are up in heaven being cuddled by their grandparents and know nothing but love from there as well as from here. I'm sure your baby is looking after you as well.
There is a song by the Dixie Chicks called Godspeed that I have been listening too on my iPod. It's a song about little boys, it makes me cry like mad but when I sing it in my head it feels like I'm singing it to them. It's just a very beautiful song that is helping me through this. I don't know if there is a song or book that is helping you through is but thought I would share this with you.
I hope that if you try again in the future to have another child that you have only the best of luck!
My heart truly goes out to you and your family for your losses. I also just recently lost my angel, Sam, at 6 weeks. For me, I think of him and know that he is taking care of us down here. We have wanted a baby really badly for over 2 years, and this was our first pregnancy...although I don't think it gets any easier. I hope and pray that we will all find solace in ourselves and other people, to help us heal. And don't worry, you are not rambling, your grieving. Is there something that the doctors can do to fix or strengthen your cervix? I love what you mentioned about the song. Believe it or not, but you are very strong and will get through this. And never believe it's your fault, because it isn't. We sometimes have problems with our bodies, but it doesn't mean we made them that way.
Jojo, wow, that is a great way to look at it!
I hope this has helped you Weitz. Just remember your not alone, nor will you ever be.
I am so very, very sorry you had to endure a second tragedy ((((HUGS)))) I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks due to PROM in 1998. I can't imagine going thru that pain twice in a lifetime. My heart goes out to you and your family during this time...
(((HUGS)))! I'm so sorry...that just breaks my heart !
We've had 7 losses, 2 were early second trimester (both boys). One died at 13wks and the other sometime between 14 and 17wks (we're not sure); no cause was found. I didn't go into labor on my own so I was induced and delivered in the hospital. We had the option of bringing them home or having the funeral home handle things (which seemed odd at the time because the babies were so very very tiny). We brought them home so they could be buried near us.
I can't imagine having gone through a funeral...my heart really goes out to you!
Thank you for all the love, support and hugs, they are greatly appreciated!!!!
Skyye, I am so sorry you had to go through this too. How are you doing now? Did you decide to try again for a child? If I am being nosy, I am sorry, I just hope you are happy and that things are good with you.
Flutter, I am so sorry for the loss of your Sam, HUGS!!! I will be thinking of you and hope you are doing well. If I would get pregnant again they would do a cervical cerclage where they sew the cervix shut at around 12 weeks. There are still risks with doing the cervclage but right now I dont think it will come to be an option for us, my dh is completely against us getting pregnant again, he said, "Don't you think 7 pregnancies is enough for us to go through. He is very mad about losing another child right now and would do just about anything to not go through that again including him going and getting a vasectomy (He has been way too nervous about having one done that it has been put off for years which led to us having both Shawn and Dylan). I think maybe somehow he thinks if he had, had a vasectomy earlier we could have prevented these losses. I HATE, HATE, the fact that both Shawn and Dylan died I wouldn't go back and not want to have them, because they will always be with me and I know they took a chunk of my heart with them.
I don't know if it is just greiving but I desperately want to get pregnant again, which if I continue to feel this way will become a battle and I don't want that. I love my hubby dearly and I have only been pregnant with his babies (we were high school sweethearts). He wants me to be thankful for our two boys that we have here and I am eternally grateful. But God almighty the desire for a baby is SOOOO strong. I know I am not mentally ready to get pregnant again much less physically my milk finally went away and I'm still bleeding, but my mind is having fun with me all filled baby desires...ugh.
Thank you for sharing your poem, Peace, it is really special and means a lot to me that you shared it. What a beautiful way to honor your baby who I'm sure feels how much you care up in heaven.
ASDGRMama, you have been through so much too!! I am so sorry for all you have had to go through, you have been so strong. I hope I don't bring up bad memories by asking this, but all of your pregnancies have ended in miscarriage? I hope and pray that you are blessed with a child!!! Did they do any testing to find out why things keep happening? I feel like I could just hold you, which would make me cry, but I still want to give you a hug.
I didn't even know it was an option to bring your baby home and bury it yourself. We were given the option of setting up our own private burial or allowing the hospital to bury our baby (different hospital with Shawn and Dylan) in a community plot with other babies that have been lost. I just couldn't imagine not knowing exactly where my babies were and I wanted them to each have their own headstones to let the world know that they were here and that they mattered. There are too many people out there who have never lost a baby who just do not get it, it doesn't matter how old the baby was when it died it was a part of you physically and mentally, and needs to be mourned.
Hugs and love to all of you who have shared your stories and support. I wish you all the best in the future whether it includes more babies or not. I never went to a support group after we lost Shawn but I think I will go to next months meeting because talking with all of you and reading the joy and sorrow that you have shared has helped me so much. Thank you everyone!!!
Last edited by weitz; 01-20-2007 at 02:32 AM.
Reason: Keep thinking of more to say...a little short circuited right now.
ASDGRMama I read on another post that you wrote that you are 24 weeks pregnant, congrats, congrats, congrats. I hope you have a beautiful and healthy baby, you deserve this joy after all of have been through. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
Skyye, I am so sorry you had to go through this too. How are you doing now? Did you decide to try again for a child? If I am being nosy, I am sorry, I just hope you are happy and that things are good with you.
((((Hug)))) You're very sweet for asking and not being nosey at all. I am doing okay. This July will be 9 years that we lost her. The years have flown by in one sense and crawled in another. The first year after I lost her it felt like I was walking in the dark trying to feel my way around life. I was lost. I questioned why it happened and was angry at myself and questioned God. My sister and cousin were both pg also, we were all due in the same month. I had to watch them continue their pg's and both delivered girls. I was crushed.
After many years I realized that I could question why for an eternity but it wasn't going to change things. It took a while to find some peace in myself and accept what happened. Since my husband didn't want to go to counseling I found great support online through loss support message boards. Talking about it with others who *really* understand helped a lot. Now almost 9 years I still think about her every single day. I see little girls who are 8/9 yrs old and always wonder what she would look like today, what her voice would sound like, what color her hair would be. I'll always wonder these things I'm sure. I try not to think about the labor/birth/funeral because the raw emotion is still very much there and it always sends me into a breakdown.
After 2 1st trimester m/c's I treated with a reproductive endocrinologist who found my progesterone to be too low, causing the early m/c's. We never could explain why my water ruptured with my daughter though. Thanks to baby aspirin and Crinone and a lot of praying I carried two boys full term. I talk to the boys about their sister often. Her picture hangs on our wall in the livingroom. We bake a cake for her each year on her birthday. I also let them pick out little gifts to take to the cemetary when we visit. She is a part of our family even though she is not with us and I try to do anything I can to help the boys *know* her.
My heart goes out to you because I can not begin to imagine enduring this twice. The fact that you are here says a lot about your strength. Please find a support group or someone who has suffered a loss as well to talk to.
Last edited by moderator2; 01-23-2007 at 10:28 AM.
I lost my first born son at 36 weeks, he died during delivery (emerg. C-section) I got pregnant again the next year and now have a healthy 5 month old son. I am so sorry for your loss and I know everything you must be feeling. Loosing a baby that far along is not like having a miscarriage early on. Having to actually give birth to a dead baby is the worst most tragic thing in the world. I know you are feeling guilty and blame yourself, of course I do too. You probably always will. I think it makes me feel more in control that if I blame myself and then I can be the one to make it right next time. People telling you its not your fault won't mean anything to you right now. The best thing you can do for your babies and family is to first recover and heal. You are emotional and hormonal but you need something to hold onto. . . hope. Don't push your husband to agree with you right now, he is grieving in his own way. First recover and get well. This could take months. Every day is so painful but eventually time does pass. After you are better physically you can maybe speak with a perinatal specialist about getting a cerclage (my friend has had 4 children with the cerclage, getting her cervix stitched up early in the pregnancy) If it wasn't for my perinatal specialists and holding onto hope, I don't think I wouold of made it.
2-get medical advice
3-don't loose hope.
I wish you all the best for healing and a future healthy baby.
I know exactly what you mean about looking at other children that would be the age of the child you lost and wondering what Shawn (he would be 3) would like and which one of us he would take after. I am having a real hard time right now seeing other women with new babies, I don't begrudge them the joy having a baby, I just so ache to have mine to hold. Actually the most preferrable state would be for me to still be pregnant and feeling Dylan rolling around and kicking me. We had just gained that connection with each other and I have always found it to be the most special feeling in the world and I miss it so much.
I like to believe that someday we will be reunited with our children and I'm sure your daughter is up in heaven waiting for all the hugs and kisses you can give. I am so happy that you were able to have two wonderful boys, I am so grateful for mine, I don't think I could get through this without their love (the hugs, kisses and cuddles are helping me so much).
I saw my OB on Monday, I so did not want to see him yet. His practice is attached to the hospital and I didn't want to go back there yet. Physically I am doing good, my bleeding is lighter and my milk is gone after about 5 days of very sore and large breasts. I hate the fact that my body was producing milk for a baby I couldn't give it too, I know its just nature running its course but it still made me cry. Dylan's placenta showed some imflammation but my doc figures it was from my amniotic sac being prolapsed. The cord also only had one artery instead of two but he didn't think that had anything to do with it and Dylan didn't have any abnormalities so it looks like it is definately an issue with my cervix. My doc thinks the bad uterine infection I had during and after having our 10 year old weakend my cervix so I would need a cervical cerclage in the future. I see my doctor again in 4 weeks and he is going to do a whole bunch of tests to rule out any other problems and then we'll see what happens.
I like that you continue to include your daughter in your family. I am working on scrapbooks and shadow boxes for each of our angel babies. I don't want to have them put away in boxes and never brought out again, I am hoping that by doing this is will help me deal with losing Dylan as well as Shawn.
Thank you for your kind words and support they mean the world to me. I feel like the color gray right now and kind words or hugs bring me some light, so thank you.
I am so sorry about the loss of your son so late in pregnancy, I can't imagine how devasting that must have been and having to recover from a c-section as well. I hope that your pregnancy with your second son was uneventful and I am so happy you have a healthy little boy.
The hardest part about giving birth to both Shawn and Dylan was that they were alive and moving around until it came time to deliver. With Shawn I really thought I was going to be able to spend another 4-6 weeks in the hospital without him delivering. My water had been broke for almost 3 weeks when suddening there was a little wiggling foot poking out of me. I think that devasted me the most, I knew he was alive and they even checked that he had a strong heartbeat but I had to be a couple more days along and they would have taken me for a c-section to save him, instead he died during delivery when the cord got compressed. He was so perfect with the exact same nose and chin of his brothers and he had my hands and feet. With Dylan he was doing fine even after my water broke because of all pressure on the amniotic sac (Dylan was above my cervix with a little fluid but most of the fluid was bulging below my cervix) and I could really feel his movements, which breaks my heart just tying this. It hurts so bad to know that my babies wanted to live but couldn't and I am trying really hard not to lay the blame on myself but it so hard not to. I feel like I should have known something wasn't right and logically I know that there was no way of knowing but my heart is broken and my head is looking for answers and someone to blame I tend to be the easiest target. I am the type of person who likes being in control at least with myself and the last few years I have had almost none. With losing both boys, getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia and PCOS, going on disability, etc....I just want something to make sense and right now nothing seems to.
I am joining a support group through the hospital which I think will help. I will be starting to see a counselor soon as well. My rheumatologist had referred me a while back and I can finally get in to see the guy. I was orginally referred to help me deal with my chronic pain instead hes gonna get someone who is slowing going crazy....at least it feels like it sometimes. I know it will get better over time but right now I feel like one of those cartoon characters who have a rain cloud that follows them where ever they go.
My husband and I have agreed not to make any decisions either way until 3-6 months down the road to give us both time to heal. Getting some more indepth medical answers will help us decide as well. Part of me thinks I'm crazy wanting another baby, our oldest starts high school next fall....God that makes me feel old...but the other part of me isn't ready to hang up my fertility yet. I want to have one more, my only request is that the baby be healthy. It would be a scary pregnancy....I know I wouldn't feel secure until after 28-30 weeks. I don't know, we'll have to wait and see.
Hope, I will try to do what your name tells me to do and hang onto hope. That is very good advise, the best one can do is hope the best for the future. I wish you all the blessings and hope of the future! Thank you so much! Susie
I teared as reading your recent post on the birth ...how incredibly heartbreaking (((HUG)))
I'm glad to hear that you will be seeing a counselor. I wish my husband would have agreed to go, I didn't want to go alone. I think that's why it took me so many years to let go of the anger. I really began to find some peace when talking about it to people that understand. It didn't take away the emptiness left inside but I think it helped me just get it out and in a way come to terms with it. My heart is not complete and it never will be, my family is not complete because part of it is missing. I guess incorporating her any way I can is my way of trying to feel less incomplete.
I have a friend that had to have a cerclage after losing her twins premature and she delivered another set of twins and later another baby with the help of a cerclage. It's not fair that it takes these losses to realize this procedure is needed. It's odd...after almost 9 years I still find myself saying "it's not fair".
I sometimes think I might be saying too much, but then I get a caring reply like yours that makes me believe that it really is okay to share this stuff. I had to go reread what I wrote last, I didn't remember how much detail I had used, I feel so drained emotionally and physically lately I am surprised I know my own name sometimes but then I can laught with my kids and feel like me. It's a rollercoaster and I don't even like rollarcoasters.
I saw my counselor who I liked but had to set up an appt with another one because the man was so soft-spoken that I missed half of the things he said and I kept asking him to repeat himself. I have low level hearing loss (had since birth) and I didn't want to waste his time or mine on setting up a counseling relationship that was only connecting some of the time. The downside to this is that I have to start over with someone else and I can't get in to see him until March 6th....ugh......Thank God for this board and the support it provides and thank God for my Mom, she has been my rock through this (I have dumped so much on her and she keeps telling me to call whatever time of day or night, if I need her I am to call) and I love her sooooo much.
My husband will probably never go to counselling, he is too private with his feelings and to share them with a stranger just wouldn't happen. I know he is hurting still and we talk every day but when he is hurt or sad he pulls it in so tight, I want to help him more but it seems the best I can do is share my feelings with him and give him all of my love (hugs and kisses are good, too) and support. He means the world to me, I just hope he comes to terms with this.
Skyye, I can understand still feeling like a part of you and your family is missing. I look around and there should be a busy little 3 year old boy running around and a bulging belly in front of me and it makes you ask, "Why?" I feel so empty at times and don't know if my urge to get pregnant again is an attempt to fill that emptiness which is why we are waiting awhile to decide what to do. If my emotions had there way I'd be pregnant already but I haven't even stopped bleeding yet.
My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend who lost her twins, how heartbreaking! I am so glad she was able to have another set of twins, I am sure she still thinks of the two that are up in heaven. One set of twins to be guardian angels for the other set.
It's never feels fair to lose anyone, much less a child and if it happens more than once a person might think like I am right now that life is just being mean. Burying one son was awful, two is breaking me in half, I know I'll get through this, just doesn't feel like it right now.
Thanks for all the love and support!!! All the best to you and your family!!
I was so sad to read your post like you I have suffered two late miscarriages but for different reasons due to placenta not working properly. Ive suffered 4 miscarriages and it has been really hard on myself and my partner we lost our first boy at 19 wks in Feb 2005 then we lost another boy in March 06 at 15 wks. Neither of us went counselling wish I did as I feel like I shouldnt still be grieving 2 years on but I still cry when I think that it should be coming up to both of their birthdays. I lost another 2 at 6 wks but not seeing them perfectly formed means it doesnt pray on my mind as much, I dont know if seeing the other 2 actually helped or just gave me more to miss but in a funny way Im glad I did.
Anyway the point I was getting to was that after my last miscarriage in March 06, my partner and I split up, we were told we couldnt try for another baby again as they wasnt really sure of the cause and couldnt gaurantee it happening again. not sure how we got through it he has no children ive got 2 from a previous relationship but looking back on it we should have had counselling, eventually after 1 month apart we got back together and I am now pregnant again it came as a complete shock and the fear of losing this baby has been with me the whole pregnancy.
all I wanted to say really is that for me it always feels like noone can ever understand the pain as I dont know anyone personally but coming to these boards and talking with people who have had similar experiences has really helped me nothing will ever help me to come to terms with losing my babies as it just seems so unfair but the knowledge that people do understand has really helped and I know that in one of my replies someone wrote to me said that the pain of losing a baby stays with you forever you just learn to carry on sorry Ive been going on loads ! wish you all the best in the future and I hope you can get some comfort from these boards like I have in the past
My thoughts are with you