Late last week I delivered a stillborn baby boy at nearly 34 weeks.
I felt that something wasn't right and went to see my OB. She found the heartbeat and told me to go home monitor his movements. I did this, and felt him move a few times. This was around lunch time and I felt better because he moved. A few hours later a had a terrible feeling and decided to monitor my baby's movements again. I ate dinner and then layed down on my side for two hours to count movements. I felt nothing, so I went to the hospital. A doctor gave me the heartbreaking news that my baby didn't have a heartbeat.
I delivered him two days later after being induced. He weighed nearly 4 pounds and looked perfect.
The doctor told us that the chord was twisted, which appears to be the cause of death. We allowed an autopsy to be preformed on our little baby boy in order to possibly help us or someone else. I never thought this could happen to me, a young and healthy girl. Honestly after 12 weeks, I thought I was in the clear.
We had a funeral for him this week. A lot of family and friends turned out to show their support, which has helped a lot. I think our loss touched a lot of people who are close to my boyfriend and I, as I am only 25 and this was to be our first baby.
I'm having a lot of ups and downs right now. Sometimes I feel OK or even happy and then all of a sudden I feel like crying forever. How do you recover from this? I'm sure you never really do, but how do you live your life not being scared all the time? If you conceive again, how do you cope?
I keep feeling so guilty over everything. I feel responsible for my baby's death and my boyfriends heart breaking. My boyfriend totally supports me, but I can't help but feeling like a failure.
I had an abortion when I was 19, which was a hard decision in itself. I can't help but thinking that if I had only had that baby...
I don't know what to do. I feel so scared. How do you go on to live a normal life? How do you go on to have babies?
The following user gives a hug of support to Kristen68: sawbuck44 (04-15-2011)
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know people can say anything and nothing can make you feel better but time. My son died last July for no apparant reason and it feels like it consumes me everyday. It seems like it just happened yesterday and it will probably always feel that way. I was immediately longing for another child and about 2 months after my son passed I found out that I was pregnant again. I was only 5 weeks along. The doctor told me to come back in 2 weeks so he could see the heartbeat. When I went back something told me something was wrong. When the doctor was trying to find the heartbeat there wasn't one. So now not only did I have to suffer the loss of my 2 year old son who I loved more than anything in the world. I loved that boy so much that I had to have him around me every day. I couldn't go more than a few hours without him. I think I needed him more than he could have ever needed me. Now not only was I permanently without him now I had lost the child after him also. Double whammy.
Now, just know that one day you WILL have a child and you WILL love that child more than anything. Cherish every day with him or her. And never forget the one that didn't have the chance at life. Include his memory in everything that you do and remember that everyone grieves the loss of a loved one differently so whatever you are feeling is very natural. If you feel like you need to keep everything you bought for that child then do it. I have kept everything that belonged to my son. His clothes are still in the drawers where he left them. Make a scrap book of pictures of yourself while you were pregnant and include the ultrasound pictures and whatever else you have to remember him. Do whatever it takes to get yourself back to as close to normal as you possibly can. And remember that you cannot blame yourself for anything and don't worry about the abortion that you had because you didn't know that this was going to happen. Hind sight is 20 - 20. I too had an abortion so I know what you are going through. Just know that your two children are in heaven and they are looking down on you smiling.
The following user gives a hug of support to flowergirl79: sawbuck44 (04-15-2011)
Kristen...I am so sorry for your heartache...and you also flowergirl.
I'll be 60 in June and I still think about my first born son who was born when I was 28. It WILL get easier for you, I promise. I also had 3 miscarriages before having a healthy daughter...then 4 years later, a healthy son! The sorrow is hard to bear in the beginning, but the pain does soften. Now, I smile and cherish gentle thoughts when he comes to mind. Life does go on.
My Mother is in her 9th year of Alzhiemers...and most of the time talks in jumbled rhyming words. She has not recognized me for 5 years. Three times now, she has smiled at me and said in a perfect sentence "Look at all the babies!" as she looks over my shoulder. Who knows what she is seeing? Meanwhile, it gives me a good feeling to imagine those babies are still with me.
Hope this helps....sending love and positive vibes....Pam
The following user gives a hug of support to petal*pusher: sawbuck44 (04-15-2011)
I am truly sorry for your loss and am just crushed reading your story. I know that time will help but it will probably be a tough road.
I ended up miscarrying about 6 weeks ago. I was 17 weeks pregnant and it was completely unexpected. So itís been pretty rough the last couple of weeks and I too thought I was in the clear. I blame myself and wonder if I could have done anything to change the circumstances. It's also been pretty painful and I know that the only way it could be worse is if I carried the baby longer...
So again I am sorry.
But I did want to tell you that my girlfriend lost her baby at 40 weeks. Very sad. But she did eventually (this was 5 years ago) move on and went on to have have two healthy girls. She of course never forgot about her first but she is leading a happy and healthy life.
My best to you
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages myself, but no where near as far along as you were. My mother delivered her first child when she was 21 years old and it was stillborn. She too had cord problems. They explained that had the baby survived, she would have been terribly handicapped and would not have survived long after birth. My mother went on to have 3 healthy children after that, but never fortgot her first child. She suffered through her pregnancies always thinking something was wrong. She never, after loosing the first child, listened to the doppler when they checked the heartbeat (the doc wore headphones). She did not want to become "attached" to us until we were born healthy. When I was pregnant with my children, my mom had finally allowed herself to relax. We are having problems again with this current pregnancy and I never tell my mom something unless I HAVE to. I know how hard it is for her and how scared she is for us.
My mom never got over her loss, but has learned to live with it and make it a part of our lives. We never felt saddness from my mom, but we always knew that we had a sister if only for a short time. You experience sounds exactly like my mom's and I wanted to say that my mom is a strong and wonderful mom. I know you can be the same too as well.
I am sooo sooo sorry to hear of your loss! My thoughts are with you & your boyfriend at this sad time.
I miscarried with my daughter in December of 06 at 17 weeks & i know how hard it was for me to deal with, so i can only imagine what you are going through, being so close to full-term.
I have a close friend, who had a still born son at 37 weeks. She was getting bad cramps & feeling very sick, so she went to the hospital where they performed an ultrasound & informed her that there was no heartbeat. After they had done all the tests on the baby, the only explanation she got was that the placenta had just given up suddenly & was not providing the nutrients that the baby needed in order to survive. This was about 5 and a half years ago.... & now she has a beautiful 3 & a half year old daughter that she loves with all of her heart.
I didn't know her when this happened however, all these years later, i was the first person that she opened up to & felt comfortable talking to about it. She said that she can remember that day as clear as anything & it feels like only yesterday, but she is past the worst of it. She says she cried for what seemed like forever & she still has down days where she just feels overwhelmed by it all over again. When it comes round to the date he was born, she is very distant & this can sometimes last a week or so, but i am sure that is normal & it is definately not something that can be ignored, so don't feel like you're letting anyone down if you have up & down days..... it's only natural!
So with my friends still born son, he was classed as being full term at 37 weeks & could have very well survived outside of the womb if the problem was caught earlier, but unfortunately there was nothing that anyone could do, (the problem could not have been picked up from an ultrasound or anything). When she fell pregnant with her daughter about 1 year after losing her son, she worried the entire way through her pregnancy & it is definately normal to be anxious when something like this has happened.
She was monitored closely throughout her second pregnancy & the doctors induced her at 37 weeks incase the same thing happened again!
I know none of us can say anything to make you feel any better at this time, but hopefully you will feel the comfort of our words & experiences & know that you are not alone Please don't blame yourself & i know exactly what you mean about how you feel with your boyfriend because i felt the exact same way..... i felt like i had failed him There is a lot of pressure on us when we are carrying a child & a lot of us don't realise just how much until we experience this. I felt as though i knew HE hadn't done anything wrong.... but was he feeling the same way about me? Just so you know... he didn't blame me at all, he understood that these things happen & that we needed to be strong together in order to pull through the most devastating time of our lives yet!
Your boyfriend wouldn't blame you for what has happened so don't blame yourself. Just know that your grieving process will take a lot of time & strength between you & your partner & also realise that this pain you are feeling will never completely go away.... but it will get easier.
P.S - My friend got a picture of her son when he was still born & she has only just been able to display it in a frame in her living room.... & this was so brave because she is now ready to share his existence with all who come into her home
Like the other ladies said, there is no right time frame or right or wrong way to grieve.... everyone is different & everyone deals with things differently, so do what you need to to get through this & begin your healing process & just remember that the best way for you to do that is together with your partner.... grieving the loss of your child & also by yourself.... grieving your personal loss as a mother! Do what feels best for you
I wish you all the best & my thoughts are with you. I hope you're coping as well as can be expected.
Best of luck to you & your partner for the future (as blurred as it may seem right now).
Thank you all so much for you kindness and words of support. I'm sorry to you all who have had any sort of experience with miscarriage or stillbirth, or anyone who have had someone close experience the same.
I too have lost 3 babies. I am so so sorry for the sorrow and grief you are dealing with. My husband and I planted a rose tree (the flowers name was Peace ) on sunday for our little girl we last lost, which was her original due date which also happned to fall on our wedding anniversary March 18th. It was a happy and sad day. I don't know how you ever stop worrying and being scared. I had a dream last night that I was really pregnant and I was feeling the movements of the baby and felt how it was positioned in me... I realized I forgot to take my progesterone supplements and was asking frantically if just taking baby aspirin would be okay. The next morning I woke up to the baby dead lying on my bed sheets. Yes, I know that won't happen. But you can see how the losses have taken there toll on my subconscious. I am waiting for happy dreams.
Hi I too suffered from 3 losses. Im so sorry to hear about yours and everyone elses no one should ever have to looses a child ever. my 1st loss I was 4 weeks the 2nd I was 5 weeks the 3rd I was 5 months and they did autopsy on my daughter as I went into labour and delivered her with in min. they said everything was fine and there was no reason. this happened dec 28th 2004 i ended pregnant again and delivered a healthy baby girl on dec 31st 2005 she is doing well and is 15 months old now but i still get scared all the time that something could happen to her i guess after losing a baby even though still pregnant that scare is always there
I am new to this site, but I wanted to share a bit about my story. I lost my son at 33 weeks which just happened 1 week 4 days ago. I am devastated.
My doctor said it was a Strep B infection which traveled up to my baby. Very uncommon for it to travel. The chances of this happening again are very slim. He said next pregnancy we will just treat with antibiotics throughout the entire pregnancy to ensure that this doesn't happen again. I am very confident and trust my doctor very much. He has been awesome.
This was to be the first child for my husband and I and we were both very, very excited. I had just had a baby shower 2 days before Levi Shane was born, which made things very difficult. We want to try again very soon and I hope not to be scared that something will happen to the next baby. It is all very surreal and I am having a very hard time even believing that this has even happened to us. We are having a memorial this Sunday, it will be a very hard day for us.
I'm very sorry for you loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. My aunt lost a baby, she was only a few days old when she died. She was born in Decemeber, close to Christmas time. She is buried with our grandparents. My other grandparents (who are still alive) also lost a child, she had just turned 2. They still find it hard to talk about her, all these years later. My Mum made a great present for my nanna when she turned 80 - a material wall hanging with photos of the family sewn into it (the photos were copied onto material so they could be sewn on). She included a photo of the child my grandparents lost. Even though it was the oldest photo on the wall hanging, it turned out the best, even better than some of the more recent photos. This was also the first picture my grandmother noticed when she opened out the wall hanging.