I am sooo sooo sorry to hear of your loss! My thoughts are with you & your boyfriend at this sad time.
I miscarried with my daughter in December of 06 at 17 weeks & i know how hard it was for me to deal with, so i can only imagine what you are going through, being so close to full-term.
I have a close friend, who had a still born son at 37 weeks. She was getting bad cramps & feeling very sick, so she went to the hospital where they performed an ultrasound & informed her that there was no heartbeat. After they had done all the tests on the baby, the only explanation she got was that the placenta had just given up suddenly & was not providing the nutrients that the baby needed in order to survive. This was about 5 and a half years ago.... & now she has a beautiful 3 & a half year old daughter that she loves with all of her heart.
I didn't know her when this happened however, all these years later, i was the first person that she opened up to & felt comfortable talking to about it. She said that she can remember that day as clear as anything & it feels like only yesterday, but she is past the worst of it. She says she cried for what seemed like forever & she still has down days where she just feels overwhelmed by it all over again. When it comes round to the date he was born, she is very distant & this can sometimes last a week or so, but i am sure that is normal & it is definately not something that can be ignored, so don't feel like you're letting anyone down if you have up & down days..... it's only natural!
So with my friends still born son, he was classed as being full term at 37 weeks & could have very well survived outside of the womb if the problem was caught earlier, but unfortunately there was nothing that anyone could do, (the problem could not have been picked up from an ultrasound or anything). When she fell pregnant with her daughter about 1 year after losing her son, she worried the entire way through her pregnancy & it is definately normal to be anxious when something like this has happened.
She was monitored closely throughout her second pregnancy & the doctors induced her at 37 weeks incase the same thing happened again!
I know none of us can say anything to make you feel any better at this time, but hopefully you will feel the comfort of our words & experiences & know that you are not alone
Please don't blame yourself & i know exactly what you mean about how you feel with your boyfriend because i felt the exact same way..... i felt like i had failed him
There is a lot of pressure on us when we are carrying a child & a lot of us don't realise just how much until we experience this. I felt as though i knew HE hadn't done anything wrong.... but was he feeling the same way about me? Just so you know... he didn't blame me at all, he understood that these things happen & that we needed to be strong together in order to pull through the most devastating time of our lives yet!
Your boyfriend wouldn't blame you for what has happened so don't blame yourself. Just know that your grieving process will take a lot of time & strength between you & your partner & also realise that this pain you are feeling will never completely go away.... but it will get easier.
P.S - My friend got a picture of her son when he was still born & she has only just been able to display it in a frame in her living room.... & this was so brave because she is now ready to share his existence with all who come into her home
Like the other ladies said, there is no right time frame or right or wrong way to grieve.... everyone is different & everyone deals with things differently, so do what you need to to get through this & begin your healing process & just remember that the best way for you to do that is together with your partner.... grieving the loss of your child & also by yourself.... grieving your personal loss as a mother! Do what feels best for you
I wish you all the best & my thoughts are with you. I hope you're coping as well as can be expected.
Best of luck to you & your partner for the future (as blurred as it may seem right now).