I put a post on here when my baby was born still. Just to let you all know my Baby Chloe's results, and update you, its awful and i never gona be able to understand. and how i am ever to try and live with this i will never know.
My Baby Was Neglected Post Mortem Results
I have to tell you this so you can understand.
Had the perfect pregnancy no sickness nothing just great. At 32 1/2 weeks went into labour got Steroids for baby lungs but labour calmed down. Next day baby heart rate jumped a little up and down back to labour room only monitored for 1hr then home next day. Two weeks later at nearly 35wks pregnant hadn't felt alot of movement back in hospital due to baby sleepy CTG traces, was monitored over night and home next day again. After that been going stright to hospital every other day for dropler and check as baby was small (kept telling me they don't take risks with small babies) and they did. On the fri nurse wrote down needed to see my consultant, which did on fri 20th july, he booked me for c/s for following wed with no checks in between. Was upset on mon as not sure if felt any movements as other child not well and kept me so occupied. Selfish of me not to get checked, i just let it go and was 12:02am when felt baby just move like a turn over and my and my hubbie both had our hands on my tummy felling her move, but it was gentle, little did i know this was the last time i was going to feel my baby move. This contented me as though getting checked tomorrow for c/s and all be fine, i'm such a idiot, why did i not go night before, i don't know.
But from went into labour at 32 1/2 wks was when Chloe's weight started to slow down and it showed on her growth chart for 4 weeks the line was getting strighter, it did anoy me but i trusted the doctors and i was getting close observation on my baby and thought nothing could ever go wrong.
At Consultant app yesterday was shaking and tears running down my face. he said to ask any of our questions. My first one was about the growth chart. And he frist said to me he is going to tell me stright "I got it WRONG" "I was WRONG" he said that. He said my baby should have been out. That it was clear on her growth chart and when he say me on the friday he thought we had time otherwise he would have taken me that day or sat. He confirmed what i knew and admitted that my baby was neglected and she should have been out. I asked him if she had of been born that fri would there have been any damage, he replayed she was at low risk and she would have thrived. To hear all this and my baby was neglected i can't believe this has happened and i let it, i believed in them so ,much that they were taking care of my baby and they did the worst thing, i wish i spoke up more i really do. And now i don't have my baby. My baby's post mortem results came back clear, everything was perfect and said she was just mild IUGR (a little small but thats all). She was 4.8lb when she was born at 37weeks and she should be here now. There was no reason why, he said she was going to be a small baby anyway about 6lb. The placenta was working everything was normal but why i don't know and now i will never now. How do you get over or even try to live with something like this!!! I hate me for not being more outword about my worries for my baby, i thought we were in good hands. The consulatant was crying too, but thats because it's his fault and he knows and said Chloe should be here.
For future pregnancies even if baby is healthy i will be c/s or induced at 35 weeks, and he will be with me from 28weeks and said we will do it together. It is breaking my heart that it took my baby to die for him to do all this.
All the information and me being in hospital and getting all those checks my consultant did not know, he said it was never discussed or brought to his attention and was never passed up the line to a senior doc or consulatant about even sleepy traces, ctg's on heartrate fluctuating even when i was in hospital twice, I asumed that i was in the best care and my consultant knew and he didn't, he said otherwise i would have c/s you sooner, why why why
This is just awful my baby was in there hands and they killed her no they didn't even take her on and she was giving so many signs. He said she felt no pain, that she was to weak and fell asleep and didn't wake up, o my god what am i going to do, its a big nightmare that i never want to wake up ever.
Love Kiera x.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My niece & her husband lost their baby around the same gestational age as your Chloe. Her name was Ashley & she is a big part of our lives still after 10 years. She had a funeral & is buried in a cemetery so we can go visit her. I believe these steps are what helped us all heal. Have you set up a little shrine to Chloe so that you have somewhere to go & grieve? There are also support groups for parents of stillborn babies & it might help to talk with people who know what it feels like to lose a child.
I was so saddened by your post and am so sorry that you are going through this. I miscarried earlier in the year at 17 weeks and know what it's like to want things to be different, so badly. I know that it would only have been worse had I carried the baby longer. I did want to tell you that my friend had a still birth at 40 weeks. It was a nightmare for her. BUT with time she went on to have 2 little girls and is leading a happy healthy life. I know that this is probably does not give you any relief right now but I think with time you will start to have better days. Try your best to take care of yourself and take all the time you need to grieve your little one. And try to reach out to others (especially those who have been there) it may help you heal.
I am so sorry for your loss and heartbreak. I could write so much but am at work and need to keep this short. This is similar to what happened to me except my doctor never admitted fault. My baby died at 36 weeks, 5 lbs 5 oz. Issues were slowing of movement and it never getting checked and gestational diabetes, swelling and exessive weight gain and never having any tests or ultrasounds ordered. never was even told to keep a kick count chart. The movement slowed around 31 or 32 weeks. then i began having labor symptoms very severe and was told to take a tylenol and a shower and lie down. I did, and that night he moved around desperately, little did I know he was dying. The next morning no movement but he had a heartbeat in the doctors office . Finally some non stress tests showing no movement and weak heartbeat. Emergency C-section and he was born blue and non responsive they could not resusitate they tried for an hour. My first born and much awaited baby boy was gone forever.
We tried to sue. We talked about it but waited too long. There is a 2 year statute of limitations here. The lawyers thought we may have had a case but didn't have enough time to investigate. I feel my doctors killed my child and of course I also blame myself for being so trusting and not speaking out more.
Whatever you do, get new doctors. Do not even give these people a second chance to screw up. We moved to a new town to be near a hospital with excellent reputation for high risk pregnancies. They did great and I now have a wonderful happy baby boy who is 13 months old. I was put on heparin shots during my pregnancy and monitored very closely.
Oh yeah, my baby's cause of death was "unknown" The autopsy showed a healthy baby. However the pathology showed the placenta had shown signs there may have been some oxygen deprivation (sometimes shows in placentas of women with diabetes) so I feel in my heart that even if he had made it, he may have suffered brain damage or cerebral palsy. That I think would have been worse, in my case. However if the doctors had listened to me the first time I told them baby wasn't moving as much as I thought he should and they did a non stress back then, I believe he could have been saved. I hate those doctors. And I will never forgive myself either.
People tell me I am too over protective of my second baby and dont trust others to care for him at daycare. OH WELL! I will never truly trust anyone again after that.
I hope you can find some healing and hope. You WILL have another baby and it will heal some of the wounds. But please please get a new doctor and if at all possible consider suing, not for the money but to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. Too many doctors take a "women have been having babies for millions of years relax" approach. They don't listen to us or take our concerns seriuosly.
Good luck and YES it absolutely does get better, with time.
I am crying. I hurt for you and with you. I want you to have your baby back and healthy, but I know it is not possible. It is so painful I know, to love someone and want her so much and then she is gone. I am truly sorry for you and your family. I want to thank you for your courage to post and warn us for our future pregnancies should we encounter the same situation with a doctor and I will pray for all of your broken hearts. I am truly truly sorry.
In sincere love,
Just want to say thank you so much for listening to my story, I canít believe I had to ever write something like this. My world has stopped and my heart is crushed and all I want is my baby back and known they should have done something sooner with all the signs Chloe gave she fought on and not one doctor took her on. I just miss her so so much the pain is just too sore. Thank you for replying gemmalou leeleelanilou deeflynn Mamatbg an to Hope2Heal for sharing your story with me and I am so sorry you lost your baby too. I just want everyone on this sight who have read this to have a better understanding, I wish I did. Make sure you get your kicks and donít feel like you waste anyoneís time by getting checked out, for I though people would think I was a time waster, never ever again and just so sad this has happened. I always thought getting over the first 12 weeks and I am sailing, how wrong was i. My life has changed forever and dreading Christmas right now.
Thanks again Love Kiera x.
Just wanted to tell you I am thinking about you and your story. Grieving for a child is one of the most tragic and heartbreaking things anyone can go through. It hurts so raw, so bad, it is impossible to find anything good or positive within the situation. The darkness and despair can be overwhelming. Let me tell you what I did, I finally went on anti-depressants for a short time. It helped tremedously. I never took any kind of med my whole life and I am in my 30s. When it was first suggested to me I said no way. But after a month I ended up in the hospital again for a blood clot and spent 2 weeks laid up on IV. It was such a dark and depressing time for me I developed a lot of anxiety and fear. I finnaly began meds and within 2-3 days felt significantly better. I had a bit more energy, my appetite returned (before that I was eating next to nothing, peanut butter and ice pops, felt too sick with grief to eat) also it was as if something cheered me up slightly in my brain and made me feel somehow I could get through it and it did give me a litte strength. I went off in 6 months and felt fine at that point. Also, after my second son was born I began to have anxiety symptoms return I think as a result of having such a high anxiety pregnancy and birth experience. Again for 6 months and now I am off and feel fine. However I still grieve in my heart for my son and feel sad almost every day, some worse than others. I feel sad my second baby doesn't have his big brother, sad I never got to know my little son, and sad and angry over the details of his death. I cherish his photos and look at them often. I say his name in my mind over and over. I sing the song I sang to him when he was in my tummy. I am a bit overprotective of my son now and today he got bit at daycare and I feel sick over it. I just discovered the bruise in his bath and feel like throwing up. It is as if I don't want my son to ever have to go through any pain and I want to spare him any suffering. Of course it is not realistic but it is part of who I am now, no longer a laid back whatever person and now more obsessive and worried. But don't get me wrong I enjoy my baby so much and love being a mom, but probably worry about him more than most. Sorry to ramble, but even almost 3 years later I still need to get it off my chest too. Again I am soo soo sorry, I feel your pain, and it will eventually get better but in the meantime it will hurt. I hope you can find some comfort during this time.