I'm so unhappy. - Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

CW1984 · 12-04-2007, 07:59 AM

I just need someone to talk to. DH doesn’t understand and I don’t blame him for not understanding. I miscarried at 9 weeks on 9/17 and had a d&c and unfortunately, I have had quite the long recovery. After the d&c, I had continued brown spotting for 2 months and then an ultrasound showed that I had some blood that was just kind of stuck. My doc put me on Provera for 10 days to start a period and flush out what was stuck. Well, the day after my last pill of Provera, I passed the large blood clot and the brown spotting stopped which is great b/c I was really getting frustrated with that. However, I still haven’t started a period after stopping the Provera so that gets me down b/c it’s just a reminder that I’m not back to normal b/c I can’t start a period. I’m going to call my doc about that today though b/c everywhere else I’ve read, women have started a couple days after their last pill and today is the 16th day after my last pill.

Anyways, I’m really an emotional wreck. I cry probably 2-3 times a week. I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I just feel sooooooo heart broken, I mean I really feel a physical pain inside. I feel so betrayed that something was just ripped away from me. And I’m having an especially hard time this week b/c if I were still pregnant, then I would find out tomorrow if my baby was a boy or girl. Every week at some point, I remind myself “If I were pregnant, I would be this far along.” It really just eats me up inside. Some days are great but most days, I’m sad. And I know I feel 10 times worse just b/c my body is still acting up and if I had had a better recovery, I would probably feel some better. I find myself wondering, “What if this happens again? What if I never get pregnant again? What if it takes 10 years to get pregnant again?” My mind just runs with these thoughts and I guess more than anything, I just feel so let down and really I don’t feel any better about this than the day I found out. I’m 23, DH is 24, we’re young and we have time and this pregnancy was unexpected but it doesn’t mean that it was at all unwanted. More than ever now, we want a baby and we’re just waiting now for a cycle to start so we can try again. It’s just hard… has anyone else taken it this hard?

blue_eyed_girl · 12-04-2007, 09:08 AM

I was quite the opposite. I thought something was wrong with me because I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry or feel depressed. However, I had only known I was pregnant for less than a week. I attribute my reaction to being so busy and not having time to morn. Every once in a while I stop and feel a little sad. I didn't really get the closure I wanted, but all I can do for now is move on. I know this is much harder for you since you were farther along. Just take it one day at a time, and you will find peace eventually.

athome1 · 12-04-2007, 09:17 AM

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's hard. You need to give yourself time. It took me awhile to get my body "back to normal" after my m/c's. I had 3. I had 2 children (4 and 2) first and then suffered three m/c's before finally having my daughter. I found that for me, thinking about all the dates and such, like how old they would be now, only gets me down. I was really scared to try again each time b/c I was afraid it would happen again. During my last pregnancy, I was freaked the entire time, but everything turned out fine. Give yourself some more time. The thing I was most relieved about was that I didn't go any further than 14 weeks with each child. My mother lost her 1st at 40 weeks gestation. I have no idea how I would have been able to handle such a tragic loss. My thought is that everything happens for a reason. This happens to A LOT of women. There's a lot of women here who can relate to your story and hopefully tell you some things to help you through this. Give yourself some time. Just remember that you'll soon have your little angle. Good things take time. I would never have my daughter had I not tried again, or if I had not had those m/c's. I can't picture my life being complete w/out her. Good luck!

cherokepyrte · 12-17-2007, 05:00 PM

I'm not a woman but I've experienced the loss of a LOT of children to miscarriage. My wife spent a lot of time being emotional after every time so I think it's pretty normal. NEVER play "what if". It does nothing but depress you. I try to forget the dates because it sux to remember most of the time. I gave up on ever thinking I would EVER have a baby of my own and now i'm with a woman that has no chance of giving me 1. Rather than hate God for taking all of my children, my wife, and my stepchildren away from me, I just decided he wasn't really there anymore. I deal with loss by getting angry more than depressed but depression is a mainstay in my personality most of the time anyway. I'm 37 and I have wanted kids ever since i was 7. Thirty years worth of dreaming and i have a lot more stepkids and neighborhood kids that call me Dad but it will never be the same. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you never give up trying. Life usually finds a way, as the guy from Jurrassic Park said. Everybody takes loss differently, hard or easy, it's never a totally unemotional thing. I hope you & DH get your dreams to come true. Don't give up hoping. Shane