I'm sooo sorry for your loss
I miscarried in December of 2006 at 17 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage, where i had no symptoms....... no bleeding or cramping..... & it turned out that my baby had actually died between 12 & 13 weeks & i had no idea until my waters broke in my sleep during the early hours of the morning & then i started spotting lightly! It was n't what i had imagined a miscarriage would be like that's for sure!!! I didn't even know it was my waters breaking until i got to the hospital several hours later & was told that there was no heartbeat & that there was not much fluid around my baby!!! It was then that i realised that it must have been my waters that had broken. I thought at the time i must have accidentally wet the bed, but i thought it was a bit strange because i'm a light sleeper & always know when i need to go to the toilet...... & when i got up out of bed & went to the toilet, i had a normal wee, so i was confused at how i could have wet the bed & then done a normal wee on the toilet. I didn't think for one minute that my waters had broken. It didn't even cross my mind!
That's why i didn't go immediately to the ED cos i had had spotting at 6 & 10 weeks & my OB just put it down to implantation bleeding, so i thought it was just that again..... cos he (my OB) said that some people can spot throughout their entire pregnancy & have a healthy baby at the end of it & that it seemed like my spotting episodes were coming around the times when my period should have been due, so i just thought it was that again. However, going to the ED immediately wouldn't have made any difference to the outcome for my baby anyway, because she had died weeks earlier, so i guess it just took my body that long to realise that something was just not right & that there wasn't a baby to accomodate my growing uterus..... so it just miscarried
I hope you take the time out to heal properly & i hope you can enjoy your trip that you had planned! I know it is hard..... & i know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like life has stopped!!! I always said that it felt like the world around me was continuing to turn as normal, but like my life had come to a halt
And i hope i don't sound like a broken record when i say that it does get easier with every day that passes!!! You're going to have bad days & days when you feel better, but time really does heal...... it doesn't erase the memory, but it does heal!
It was mainly the fact that i just wanted my baby sooo much & wanted to be a mummy so badly, but i knew i had to heal emotionally & physically before trying again..... not to mention i had to wait for two normal periods before trying again anyway, but it wasn't just that.... i felt guilty for counting down the weeks until i could start trying for another baby again..... i just wanted to feel my baby inside me again!!! But i just felt so empty & numb...... & i even found myself rubbing my tummy & not eating certain foods because it could harm my "Baby". No matter how i tried i just couldn't come to terms with the fact that i was no longer a mummy...... so i took it upon myself to cope with my loss as best i knew how, so i stuck to my pregnancy diet (even though i was no longer pregnant), continued taking my pre-natals every day & focused on the positives that i was going to be happy one day!!!
I ended up having my two normal periods & then DH & i started trying for a baby..... & low & behold, my third period didn't come!!! I was over the moon.... but sooo sooo scared & anxious at every turn! It was an anxious first trimester & even up until about 24 weeks when i knew that my baby stood even a small chance up against the world! Every time i went to the toilet i checked the tissue for blood, every appt i felt nervous & sick to my stomach...... but then things started to get better. I didn't stop worrying as such, but i was able to relax a bit & i took the time to really enjoy my pregnancy!
I always told myself after my miscarriage, that once i got pregnant again i wasn't going to stress myself out because if something is going to go wrong then it will..... & my stressing would only make it worse...... so my best bet was to stay as stress-free as possible & to stay as positive as possible..... & it worked! I mean...... it wasn't a walk in the park, but i couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy really! My little girl was born on November 29th, 2007 & i thank god every day that i was blessed with her. I will never forget my 1st baby. I even made a Christmas bauble for her with her name on it & hung it on the Christmas tree, because we named her after finding out from the postmortem results that she was a girl.
I think about her often & a lot now that my baby has arrived..... but i can think of her with less pain..... it's not so raw i s'pose is the best way of describing it!!!
I wish you all the best for a bright & happy future.
Take care & enjoy your holiday..... you deserve it!