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Old 08-25-2008, 03:13 PM   #1
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jlross67 HB User
Unhappy Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

August 11th I found out my baby had no heartbeat. I delivered my dear son the next day and I'm in so much pain. His umbilical cord was 1 artery and 1 blood vessel short so my doctors (had high risk too) were doing 2 non-stress tests weekly and 1 biophysical profile weekly from 28 weeks on. The last non-stress test when he was alive I had a contraction and Gabriel's heart rate dropped. My doctor said he would monitor me for a while longer and maybe send me to the hospital to make sure it wasn't happening all the time. After another hour on the monitor he decided everything was fine and sent me home. I believe my baby died 2 days later, not sure though. I had an inkling something was wrong! Why didn't I insist on a stress test? I know my baby's death was preventable, and its killing me to think about it. It turns out his umbilical cord clotted and cut off his blood supply, killing him. I hope so much he didn't suffer. I have other children and I have to hold it together most of the day. Its so hard. Please help me through this senseless tragedy. I feel I'm losing my faith because of this as well. Help.

 
Old 08-25-2008, 06:08 PM   #2
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AliceT HB User
Re: Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

I don't know if your baby suffered but I do know that your son was in a loving place when he died. Much love and hugs to you. try not to question everything now, just grieve. The questions can wait, the answers (if there are any) will be the same... so focus on the beauty of your baby boy and give yourself time to love him.

 
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Old 08-25-2008, 08:27 PM   #3
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Hope2Heal HB User
Re: Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

Hello

I am so sorry for your incredible loss. I lost my first son at 36 weeks, though his causes were mostly unknown. He was born emergency C-section and died during delivery. I understand the feeling that "I could have prevented this or I could have done more. " Almost 3.5 years later I still feel that way. As a mother, we always take on the guilt that we should have done more for our kids. My second son was born a 1.5 years later, very healthy and wonderful, justturned 2. I couldn't change what happened with my first, but I took many preventative measures with my second.

As for faith, I am not a religious person although I was raised catholic. I am not a person to believe "God took my child because he needed him." I also do not believe my child's death was "god's will" .When people told me this Iactually told them to shut up. I informed them that God actually wanted my child born and alive but it was human error (in my case, neglect of doctors to notice a problem) that took my child's life. It is unjust and senseless. It hurts. I read the book' When bad things happen to good people" and it was good to help you keep the faith and put thngs in perspective.

I will be back to check on you so keep posting. It does help to talk with others who have been through it. Most people who have not lost a baby have no idea what you are going through.

Oh, and it will get better. I promise. But it will take time.
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Old 08-26-2008, 04:40 AM   #4
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Re: Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

Its funny because I am a very religious woman but I believe as you do that God wanted my baby born alive and it was human error that caused his death. That actually restores a bit of my faith because its impossible to think of a loving and merciful God who would "take" a baby from a loving family. Why would God want to cause this kind of pain? Its been 2 weeks ago today I delivered my sweetheart. I will post pictures when I get them back from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep if you would like to see them. I'm sure its going to start a new wave of depression for me. I didn't even want to be in the pictures because I had been crying so much I looked like a balloon. I'm regretting that now. So many regrets. I am happy for the 37 weeks he lived inside me though.

 
Old 08-26-2008, 05:17 AM   #5
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Re: Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

I have worked in a field in which I have witnessesed the devesation of the loss of a baby many times. I have been astounded at how people do survive the grief to become stronger people. People cope in different ways but there are things that I have noticed that are always important; plenty of time, celebration of your child and refusing to regret. You made a decision not to be in the photos for a reason. Whatever that reason do not regret it as it does mean something. One day you will be able to look at those photos with pride and love. .

 
Old 12-04-2008, 03:11 PM   #6
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Re: Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope2Heal View Post
Hello

I am so sorry for your incredible loss. I lost my first son at 36 weeks, though his causes were mostly unknown. He was born emergency C-section and died during delivery. I understand the feeling that "I could have prevented this or I could have done more. " Almost 3.5 years later I still feel that way. As a mother, we always take on the guilt that we should have done more for our kids. My second son was born a 1.5 years later, very healthy and wonderful, justturned 2. I couldn't change what happened with my first, but I took many preventative measures with my second.

As for faith, I am not a religious person although I was raised catholic. I am not a person to believe "God took my child because he needed him." I also do not believe my child's death was "god's will" .When people told me this Iactually told them to shut up. I informed them that God actually wanted my child born and alive but it was human error (in my case, neglect of doctors to notice a problem) that took my child's life. It is unjust and senseless. It hurts. I read the book' When bad things happen to good people" and it was good to help you keep the faith and put thngs in perspective.

I will be back to check on you so keep posting. It does help to talk with others who have been through it. Most people who have not lost a baby have no idea what you are going through.

Oh, and it will get better. I promise. But it will take time.
I found your post and I thank you for sharing your loss and the joy of your new baby. My son and beautiful daughter-in-law just lost their first baby last week. At 37 and one half weeks everything was supposedly fine, the baby wasn't moving much one evening so they went to the hospital just to check things out. Suddenly an emergency c-section was done and the precious little one did not live. We are, of course, devistated. I know that we will all come thru but can you tell me how to help my son and daughter-in-law? Losing our precious grandbaby is magnified by seeing his parents suffer so. They are strong and I feel that they are greiving in a healthy way. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I , like you, have a Catholic background and feel exactly the same as you regarding comments like "God's plan," and all that type thing. Thanks for your time.

 
Old 12-06-2008, 08:28 PM   #7
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Re: Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

Hello
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Your son and daughter and law have a tough road ahead. Of course you are also grieving, as my mom adn mother in law did. My whole family still feels the loss. I am not sure how close you are with your daughter in law but I will tell you what my moms did for me. First, my mother in law came to stay with us (they live out of state) and took care of us for about a week, making food, tea, meals, keeping things clean, lookig after my husband and just providing company, keeping the household running gave me a sense of control. My own mother rushed to my side immedietly (also out of state) she had already planned her trip and was to arrive the thursday after he died anyway. Our plan was to do last minute shopping and put the nursery together. She cried with me, listened to me, did anything I need, basicall "mothered me." in a way i didn't need since i was a kid. My in laws bought me a beautiful locket a few months later where i could put in a photo or words. I have a tiny picture of my son. Both were supportive as to calling me just to say are you ok? do you need to talk? For me talking about my experience helped but that does not work for everyone. Oh and my inlaws also went to a support group with me at the funeral home where my son was cremated. I think it helped them more than me as it was mostly people there age who had lost grown cildren, spouse etc. I personally couldnt relate but it was nice that they were willing to do that for me. on my son's first anniversary my mother in law sent flowers. She keeps a picture of the baby in a litte frame at her house.

The woman definetly feels the loss worse than the man because now you are coping with no longer having your identity as pregnant and mommy to be and physically recovering from childbirth, milk coming in, a body worn and ruined with nothing to show for it, postpartum hormones etc. Not to say the man does not feel it . My husband grieved very deeply and still does.

I hope this helped a bit. Try to get them to go to support groups or online support websites. Ithelps to talk to others who have been trhough the same thing. But in the beginning it is best to just see what they need for now, are they eating, paying the bills, taking care of the other kids, etc. Let them know they can talk anytime and you don't really have advice but are willing to listen.

As for your own grief, stay connected to people in your situation and maybe go to a few support groups yourself for family members who have lost someone. There are a lot of good books out there about grief as well. Find a close friend that is supportive and lets you talk about your own feelings. This is a tragic time for your family and one nobody should have to face.

I can say that things do get better in time, but that is a painful road there.

Let me know if I can help in any way
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Old 12-08-2008, 03:29 PM   #8
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suzy754 HB User
Re: Stillbirth at 37 weeks and questioning everything...

Thank you so much for your time. I am doing all the things you suggested. I so wish I could take their pain away. Thank you for the encouragement and the hope that "it will get better." Bless you.

 
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