Hello everyone--I stumbled upon this board as I sit here at 1am, unable to sleep, desperately searching for answers.
I just recently had an IUFD (it's hard for me to use the word miscarriage for some reason) just over a week ago, Wed May 12. I was 19weeks exactly on that day. My pregnancy up until then had been a breeze--no morning sickness, no problems really at all, the only complaint I would make to people was feeling fat. My Quad screen had resulted in an elevated AFP, making me/baby at risk for a neural tube defect such as spina bifida, and we were referred to our local Maternal Fetal Medicine office. That is where we were, getting an US to check for anatomy when the US tech turned to me and said "I don't have good news...I don't see a heartbeat". My husband and I were absolutely devastated, to say the least. What seemed to make it all the worse was that the day before I had just been to my regular doctor appt where they'd found the heartbeat with the doppler and it had been normal, no problems. So somewhere in that 24hr window it just....went away. We had been hoping to find out the sex at that US, and that never happened due to the events that occurred.
They wanted me to go directly to the hospital to induce labor, but it was something I couldn't bring myself to do. I chose to have a surgical D&E performed, but had to wait 6days b/c the only doctor that did it was out of the office; I just had it done on Tuesday the 18.
The feelings and emotions that have been rioting through me in this last week and a half are just unreal, I feel like a zombie. I still don't know the sex of my baby; I am no yet prepared to know or to look at the footprints they did when they removed the baby. I know the sex is on a piece of paper in a folder laying downstairs, but I can't know just yet. I live in Pa., and the law here is that after 16weeks gestation, you are responsible for the remains. This was of course something else we weren't prepared to make a decision on; we chose cremation simply b/c we don't have strong beliefs, and it was all we could afford.
The Dr. thinks that what happened was a fetal blood vessel hemmorhaged. The only thing I can think is that I worked 4hours Tuesday night (as a nursing assistant) and did I do something there? Was it when I helped pull a patient up in bed that night? The Dr. and everyone else keeps telling me it's nothing I did or could have helped..but I can't stop thinking about it.
I can't sleep at night, all I do is lay and cry over the life I will never know, the little face I'll never see, cries I'll never hear. People keep trying to make me feel better by saying "you will someday, you will someday" but they don't understand...maybe and hopefully I WILL someday. But not with THIS baby.
I didn't mean to rant on for so long. I am I guess just looking for someone to talk to, or someone who can relate to what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. I'm still so raw..I can't ever imagine feeling "normal" again--but I know I will in time.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and heartbreak. A miscarriage is such a tremendous revolt to your emotions. 19 weeks is a long time of attachment,
of developing that bond. Of course the loss of "that child" cannot be replaced.
You are a mother that bond will remain, In time it will ease but it will remain.
The depression is hard, it IS the grief of a mother losing her child and it's completely understandable. Hold on there sweety and when your heart feels up to it, try again. I will tell you give your body some time to recoup before doing so thou.
Most of the time miscarriages happen from NO fault of your own. You did nothing to cause this loss. Remember that.
I myself had a total of 11 throughout the years. However, I do have two beautiful very healthy children!
I'm very sorry for what you have went through. I lost my baby a couple weeks before you, but I was only seventeen weeks. I didn't have any symptoms either. They realized the heartbeat was gone at my regular appointment. It had to have happened close to my appointment because the baby measured seventeen weeks which I was on the day of the appointment. I feel alot like you. I was told I had to deliver there was no other way. It was very hard for me emotionally. I'm lucky because I got to see her. Her dad left because he thought seeing her would make him feel worse. The hospital sent a keepsake box home with pictures of her the outfit they put on her, and her blanket. I looked that night at them. He still has not. The pain is still controlling my life too. Every time I think about her I cry. Pregnant bellies make me ill. Oddly though I still am fighting the urge not to buy her stuff. I keep looking at baby stuff, and I know I can't buy it, but I can't stop myself. My baby we cremated too. We just wanted her home with us. Where do you keep your baby? I like her being home, but someday I will have to bury her. I worry about who would keep her when I'm gone if I don't. Maybe she could be buried with me. I'm a rambler too.
i had my son at 25weeks and he lived for 80minutes,i was 19 and single it was the hardest thing ive ever done but i couldnt imagine not kowing his sex or what he looked like,when he was first born i didnt want to hold him i was scared thiking what would he look like but now im glad i got to see him hold him i took lots of pictures and even brought him home before his funeral,i think if you looked at your babys sex and foot prints it will bring some releif to you knowing you had him or her and it was a baby your baby,im sure been as pregnant as you were you had all the plans made and even pictured what he/she would look like it will be part of your recovery and even to name your child as your baby would of had a heart and might even look like you i dont know you im just saying how i felt at first but now couldnt even dream of never knowing i later had a m/c and altho i couldnt see a baby i still used her nickname when i was pregant on her no matter what your a mother you had a baby and hiding it will only add to the pain and drag it on,im sorry to hear about your angel and time does make it easier but you never forget my son would be nearly 7 and i think about him every day still but not with sadness anymore i just think about the 5 days i got to mind him bath him dress him and they were the best 5days of my life cos i got to be what i always wanted to be a mammy
Here I am almost 6weeks out already from this loss.
I find myself having more better times than bad, but the bad really still sneak in there quickly. I've been back to work for a few weeks, and I do think that that's helped, especially in the day to day part of it.
I did look at my baby's foot print, and learn his sex. He is a boy--we didn't have many names picked out yet, so we named him Robert Emerson after our grandfathers who are both deceased. It was hard facing it at the time, but I'm glad I did, I think it gave me some type of closure.
I've been to my follow up appt, and as I suspected deep inside, all of my test results were normal/negative. The fluid showed no genetic problems, there was no infection, and on the maternal side of the placenta there was no sign of clots or infarction. He thinks it's definitely the fetal blood vessel that hemorrhaged and unfortunately it's a fluke. The good news he says is that my risk of this happening again are the same that they were the first time, or the same as it would be for anyone else. It doesn't really make me feel a lot better right now though. I guess as time continues to move on, it will.
I too Just had an IUFD a couple of days ago. I was sixteen weeks, it's very hard to go through. It's heartbreaking and some people wont understand or will say things like oh well everything happens for a reason but in all honesty there is not one single reason that I could stumble upon that would make this in any way better. I know that it doesnt help to say I know your pain but I do. This is the hardest thing any person ever has to go through and Im lost and feeling as if I could of prevented this from happening somehow. In my situation I wanted to see the baby and know the sex and what not and honestly its conforting in a way because no matter what thats still your baby. This is not your fault and I know I should listen to my own advice but I just wanted to let you know that there are other people who care and know what your going through.Write back if you want too