Join Date: Jun 2010
Do men "run" after their girlfriend's miscarriage?
Hello, everyone. I'm so very sorry for all of the women here who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth. We WILL see our angels again one day. I wanted to share my story, with hopes of some insight. Please pardon its long length:
My boyfriend and I had been together for 7 months. (I am 30 and he is 39. He will be 40 in November and never married and has no children.) I live in Atlanta and he lives in Boston. However, we have seen each other every two to three weeks and sometimes even more frequently than that! We met through a mutual friend over a year ago and our relationship developed last November. Our relationship progressed in such a wonderful way. We knew after a few months that we wanted something more! In fact, HE was the one who initiated talk of us marrying, where we would honeymoon, etc, etc, etc. He asked me to move up to Boston by the end of the summer and told me to tell my parents that a ring would follow! So, I started looking for jobs in Boston. We have met each other's families and close friends and all went well on both fronts. I was convinced that I'd found my soul-mate and I was sure he felt the same way.
Even though the relationship was long distance, we resonated very well with each other. Everything came so naturally! He had a high profile, well-paying job that he loved with a college but the entire staff was dismissed earlier this Spring out of the blue. He was worried for a while but optimistic that he'd find a new job and he did (he found a new job with another college in late May.) Though it didn't pay nearly as much as his former job, he was still optimistic. And, he received a great severance package and, well, the point I'm trying to make is, my ex was not a guy who was hurting for money. But, that's not the "bad" part.
In April, I found out I was pregnant. I was SHOCKED, scared and so depressed! I was on birth control when we conceived so needless to say it was not planned. Even though I am 30, stable and relatively settled, and he is 39, VERY successful in his career and financially and emotionally stable (or so I thought "emotionally stable"), having a child was the last thing on my mind. The first thing that I thought was "I must have an abortion!", but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I did that to my child. Plus, my boyfriend loved me SO much! We'd talked about children and having them after marriage so if I were to abort his child I knew he would go through the roof and never talk to me again. I didn't tell him about the pregnancy for over a week and decided to fly to Boston to tell him.
At first, he was very excited! He was very nonchalant and calmed my fears. He said that he "couldn't think of anyone else" he'd rather have a child with than me and we discussed me moving to Boston and living with him to raise our child. He even told me that he'd prefer me to stay at home with the child instead of resorting to daycare while he worked to provide for us. He also said that he wanted us to have another child in a couple of years because he didn't believe that a child should be an only-child. It all seemed like a fairy tale! He looked me in the eyes and told me that "Everything will be ok because we love each other." However, for the next 4 weeks that lead up to my "confirmation" appointment with my OBGYN, he didn't want to talk about the baby. When I would bring it up, he would question me. "How could this happen? What if you're not really pregnant? You were on birth-control, after all." Even though I'd explained to him that I'd taken SIX pregnancy tests, it didn't register with him. AND THIS IS A 39 YEAR OLD MAN???!! To me it seemed as if he were in denial. When I would tell him about my stomach cramps, he would exclaim "See, you're cramping! It's your period coming, you're not pregnant!!" I could barely believe it! Basically he wanted us to wait until my doctor's appointment (which was a month later) for official confirmation and THEN we could discuss it. He said that after we had confirmation, we could go out and "celebrate and then think of baby names!" Until then, to avoid further upsetting him, I walked on eggshells and avoided talking about the baby. For the next month, I thought about the baby CONSTANTLY but couldn't even bring it up around him. When I felt sick and weak, I didn't dare tell him so. I felt that I was doing it all alone.
A month later, on May 7, he flew down to be with my at the confirmation appointment. I was so happy! My man was supporting me and our child! I thought things would be ok. Still, 2 hours before the appointment, he barely spoke of it so I brought it up. I asked him how we would raise the baby and he said "Well, baby I support whatever you choose. You dont have to KEEP the baby!" I couldn't believe it! Here he was suggesting that maybe I could have an abortion. Then he went on to say that if I kept the child, he didn't know how "active" he could be in its life because he travels so much for work. Then he went on to say "I mean, I really don't know where this relationship is going anyway." I felt numb. Up until this time he's talked about marriage with me, and kids, and OUR future together and now he says "I don't know where this is going."?????? I felt like trash! I didn't even want him to go with me at that point! We went to the appointment and he didn't even want to come back to see the ultrasound or meet the doctor who'd be delivering his child. The 3 hour appointment was the loneliest of my life. To make matters worse, he would text me constantly as I sat in the waiting area for my doctor (while he sat in reception) asking if I'd been seen by the doctor yet, as he was growing impatient.
The outcome of the appointment was crushing: In short, the doctor told me that I was going to have a miscarriage. I was supposed to be nine weeks pregnant but the fetus didn't look developed past 3 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I felt a part of me die when she told me that. For over a month, I was anxious, nervous, and so scared, but I'd accepted the fact that I was going to become a mother, and now THIS? I wanted to die. I wanted my baby. As I went to another room for a more advanced ultrasound, I told him the news but he was too occupied with his iPhone and texting business associates looking for a new job and talking to them about prospects. When I came back from the second ultrasound to complete bloodwork, he stopped me and in front of the office staff asked "How much longer?" as he was on the phone. I almost killed him. To top that off, as we are driving out of the parking garage, he turns to me and says "You know, I had my back up against the wall. A lot of colleges like small Catholic colleges wouldn't hire me if I had a child out of wedlock, you know?" Why didn't I hurt him right then and there?!!!! He flew back to Boston 2 days later.
When he got back, I barely heard from him. We went from texting and calling about EVERY little thing, every single day to me not hearing from him? My miscarriage began 5 days after the doctor's appointment and I will spare you all with the details of that horrible experience. I have never been in so much physical and emotional pain in my life. And, I had a natural miscarriage so it feels even worse. Though he's in Boston, shouldn't have called me EVERY DAY to see how I am? In the 5 days since he'd been back in Boston, I only heard from him twice. When I told him about the pain I was in and that the miscarriage had begun, he responded "Oh, I'm so sorry!" It was as if I was a burden to him. We never even discussed the miscarriage together.
In conclusion, over the next month, I barely heard from him. I was trying to give him "space" thinking he was trying to adjust to a new job but he never gave a DAMN about me! I cried for him when he lost his job but he never cried for me! I loved and needed him! Even if he didn't want the baby, I unfortunately had a miscarriage... Shouldn't he be "relieved" (for lack of a better word) that the pregnancy is no more? Does he blame me for getting pregnant? Why do I feel so guilty?
He would go days and days without contacting me so 2 weeks ago I called to discuss the bills from the miscarriage that he said he'd pay. I asked him, "Baby, what's wrong? Something is up." and he said "I've been meaning to talk to you. I just can't do this. The distance and everything, and well, I'm not ready to take that next step and have you move here." I was crushed. I saw this coming but still I was crushed. In one month, I lose him and my baby. OUR baby. I went in circles with him. I told him that I didn't need to move to Boston now or even this year! We could stay in the relationship and see where things go! One month prior he wanted to marry me and now he didn't feel committed to take that next step and have me move there? I wasn't asking for marriage, I was only asking for him! I even told him that I'd move there, get my own place and that way he wouldn't feel "responsible" for my well-being if things went bad. He didn't even want that. I couldn't believe what was happening. He didn't even have the nerve to tell me this face-to-face after ALL we'd been through. How could he leave me in my most desperate time of need???
I felt myself starting to cry but I stayed strong. I raised my voice and told him that he wasn't making sense. How can you say you couldn't see yourself without me and all of a sudden "Poof! I don't want you anymore?!!" I wished him luck and hung up the phone in anger. The bad part is, I wish I hadn't done that. I wanted to call him back and tell him one thing: I'd never gotten a chance to tell him how he made me feel like a dog in that doctor's office. I don't know if I'll ever get that chance.
I cut him off and had no contact whatsoever with him and then yesterday, out of the blue and one month after he dumped me, he called. I let it go to voicemail and he said that he was "thinking of me" and hadn't talked to me in a while so he wanted to see how I was doing. He said that he was in California for work and that he'd try me again either that night or the following night (today). He didn't call back as he said and I'm wondering if I should just call him? What could this mean? Why call now?
Where do I go from here? What do you guys think is his problem? I didn't get pregnant on purpose. Where did I go wrong? Not only and I trying to grapple with the loss of my baby, but now I'm having to go through the misery of losing this great man that I loved too? Maybe he was just scared and overwhelmed by everything. Should I take him back if he asks?
What I REALLY want to know is: Did this happen to any of you ladies? (Men reading this, please answer, too!) Do you think my ex was scared off by the miscarriage and has this ever happened to you where a miscarriage tarnished your relationship? Why would a man leave his woman after something so tragic?!!!
Finally, let me say that I know that from this post I may sound "needy/clingy" but I assure you I am not. I was carrying this man's child and that completely changes a woman's emotions. If I hadn't been pregnant, perhaps these feelings wouldn't be so strong. I've been seeing a counselor through all of this but I just need some more guidance. Suggestions?