2 Miscarriages, no luck
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I found it while searching for stories like mine for miscarriages around 20 weeks of pregnancy. I was just reading stories but I truely hope posting my story, even if no one reads it, will help me with my closure.
I guess I should start at the beginning. This miscarriage was my 2nd. My first one occured in 2009. I went into the ER with bleeding/spotting at 10 weeks, but on ultrasound, they determined the baby had actually passed at around 5 or 6 weeks. It was during this time that the doctors determined that I had a malformed uterus, either a heart shaped bicornuate or a septate uterus. I was discharged after they were positive the pregnancy wasn't etopic (which they were afraid of since they had a hard time even finding the baby), and nature did it's thing without me having to have a D & C.
After that experience, I was very hesitant to get pregnant again, and DH and I contemplated just adopting. I was completely terrified of being pregnant and having another miscarriage, not to mention I've never been a girl that has wanted to experience pregnancy before. I've always been freaked out at the thought of something alive inside of me, plus the labor and delivery aspect of being pregnant.
While we weren't trying to get pregant, we weren't not trying as well. In January of this year, I suddenly started feeling fatigued and my gut told me to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it quickly indicated I was pregnant and looking back, I wish I had been more excited about the whole thing, instead of freaking out and immediately seeing all the plans that were being changed for the rest of my life.
I had problems with heart burn before I was pregnant and I had been losing weight starting in December, managing to lose over 20 lbs in just about 2 months. About a week after I learned I was pregnant, I ate my first greasy meal and got horrible heartburn, complete with vomiting, and went to the ER at 5am. I let them know immediately that I had taken a positive home pregnancy test, so they did bloodwork and confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I was given prilosec and an anti nausea medicine and then given the number for OB/GYN's to set up appointments with.
A few days later, I came down with the flu, then finally managed to call the OB to set up an appointment. I managed to get in a few weeks later, but 3 days before my appointment, I started bleeding, just like I had in 2009. Figuring I was miscarrying again, I reluctantly kept my appointment at the doctors office but was shocked to discover once I got there that the baby was alive and well and had a good, strong heartbeat. I came to the appointment prepared for them to confirm that I had lost the pregnancy and left with Ultrasound pictures showing a healthy, viable pregnancy inside me.
Besides some off and on bleeding over the next couple of weeks follwing my first appointment, everything progressed normally. I was being monitored closer, having monthly appointments with my physician due to my "funky" uterus, plus I was getting once a month ultrasounds. On April 20th, I went in for my monthly ultrasound and the tech didn't say anything was out of the ordinary. We got pictures and saw the baby moving. Something concerned me though because the baby wasn't moving nearly as much as it was in the 10 week u/s and the heartbeat was considerably lower than it had been just a few weeks ago when I had my dr's appointment (around 114 bpm). After I got home, I got a call from the midwife telling me the radiologist had found the baby's lungs to be enlarged, compressing the heart and there was low amniotic fluid. I was sent to a larger hospital 2.5 hours away to consult with a specialist and have a level II ultrasound done. That was the Friday before Easter.
We met with the specialist and had another ultrasound. I didn't realize that it would be the last time I would see my baby alive and hear the wonderful heartbeat. Everything was measuring fine, the baby was exactly the size it should be. The specialist said he could see there was something wrong with the lungs, but he thought it was most likely CCAM, a congenital lung defect that wasn't always fatal. He cautioned us that the prognosis was good at that time, but could always change if the baby developed hydrops suddenly.
I was back at my doctors office for the routine appointment 5 days later and they had a hard time finding the heartbeat of the baby. Taking my pulse while listening to the dopplar, the Doctor said they had the baby's heartbeat, not mine, and timed it at 120 bpm. Something didn't sit right with me though, and I had a nagging thought in the back of my head that something was wrong. I wish I had spoken up and asked for an u/s to check the baby, but I didn't.
On May 11th, we had the 20 week u/s scheduled. I had been dreading that appointment for a week prior, just feeling like something wasn't right. I felt like my belly should be bigger, that I should have for sure felt the baby move by that point, but hadn't. Besides just a feeling of dread, I had no symptoms anything was wrong. No cramping, no bleeding. We were in the u/s room for less than 15 minutes before the tech told us to head over to talk to our doctor right away and our doctor would give us more information. I had caught a glimps of the monitor before she turned it away and saw that there was no heartbeat and I hadn't seen movement when she started her scan. So we already knew before we walked across the street to meet with the doctor.
On Friday, I was admitted to the hospital to be induced and after 36 hours in labor, I delivered my baby. I was too upset at the time to see the baby, hold the baby or even learn the gender. Now that a week has passed, DH and I have decided we're going to ask our Dr what the gender was so we can give him/her a proper name to refer to, since even for a short while, the baby was alive and is a person.
I have never been so heartbroken in my life. The experience of going through labor was horrible. The pain meds had worn off before I delivered so I was in extreme pain and started to have a panic attack with all the emotions I was feeling and pain I was in. Thank God for Adivan. I'm not normally a person that shows my emotions, but this whole week I've done nothing but cry, usually at just the thought of the baby and what we're going to miss out on the rest of the year. We had just started to tear apart the room we were going to use as a nursery. The flooring is half installed and the closet doors are down. I have no idea when we'll finish that room now.
We're awaiting genetic test results and autopsy results, hoping we get answers as to what happened and how likely it is to happen again. I am hoping that we do have the chance to try again, but I know if we do it won't be easy emotionally, no longer how long we wait.
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