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Old 06-28-2011, 11:08 PM   #1
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xlxSpiraxlx HB User
Lost my little one

Very recently my husband and I lost our our first little one. I was 26 weeks and 2 days when I was woken in the night by stomach cramps. I'd had a few chronic bouts with trapped wind over the past month or so (one hurting so bad I went into hospital for checks) and so I put this down to the same thing. It kept me awake most the night, I was in agony, but it was on the side where the colon is and it just felt like one of the few times before so I just did the usual things of having a hot bath and taking some paracetamol. After a few hours of trying to alleviate the pain it hit me that I hadn't felt the baby move since the pain began. I instantly decided to get to hospital but by the time I got there it was too late. What I had thought was trapped wind was actually internal bleeding from blood clots int the placenta. They had pushed it away from the wall and cut off my baby's life line.

The staff in the hospital were amazing, I'd never been in hospital in my life and being rushed through and into a delivery suite was scary as hell but they made it so much easier for me. At first they thought a c-section was the only way to go as the baby was laying across my womb but with luck they managed to turn him into breach and I delivered naturally. We spent a precious day with him before we left. I could hardly look at him at first, I still can't believe I'll never get to hear him crying. I was worried about how we were going to cope with him and now I can't bare being without him. We have some photos which I haven't decided to get yet but I figured its better to have ones that I might never look at than to not have one and regret it.

I can't help but think if I'd got there sooner, like as soon as I felt the tiny bit of pain, if they could have saved him, if there was anything I could have done not to have let him down. We never found out what he was on the scan, all we knew was we had a happy active baby with a very strong clear heart and no obvious defects. I never imagined I could love something this much without even knowing if he was a boy or girl but the instant I saw his tiny body I knew that this perfect little guy was a part of my soul that can never be replaced or recovered.

I am still very fresh with grief and this is all very disjointed but I'm still working through what has happened. I knew my baby, I knew that he liked a good shuffle around at 11 every night, I knew that he went crazy if I listened to my favourite music track and I knew that he'd always kick my husband's hands off at night, I always thought they were too warm for him and it used to make me laugh.

My heart goes out to all that have been through the death of loved ones, especially those who are so cherished to you.

Samuel - you will forever be loved and always remembered.

Last edited by xlxSpiraxlx; 06-28-2011 at 11:15 PM.

 
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Old 07-04-2011, 03:18 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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allergystruck HB User
Re: Lost my little one

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Time may heal the pain a little but you will never forget your precious Samuel and you have a lovely photo to treasure. I had an early miscarriage with my second child and didn't know the sex, but the hospital staff were lovely. What we did was take a holiday break for a short time in the UK, as by flying abroad you aren't insured for hospital treatment you've just had. That did help me cope better when i came back home.

I wish you all the best and am sending you a hug as i think you need one. Blessings. xxx

 
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