What a crappy month we have had. I will outline my pregnancy to you first, Everything went well and we got pregnant relatively easy. I got a poas at 3weeks and 6 days but faint ones for days before that. I had a dating scan at 7 weeks because I had a previous mc and they wanted to check for hb. At that scan I was told baby was only the size of a 5.6wk old baby and I was told I had my dates wrong, I knew I was not wrong and I could not have got a positive before I even concieved. I also know the day baby was concieved because we did not bd after that ! I had a bad feeling that smething was not right because of that. Had bleeding at 8 weeks and was sure baby was gone, had a scan and all was well, baby looked great. I had a specialist appointment at 11wks to talk about pre-eclampsia happening again like with my daughter and what we could do to prevent it. I had a scan again, I immediately noticed the large cystic hygroma on babies neck but as I dont know enough and I was getting my nuchal scan a week later I didnt think any more about it as they did not say anything. I was so uneasy going to my scan and we were leaving for thailand the next day (bad timing) As soon as the scan pic came up baby was quite slow moving and when they measure the nuchal fold I was very scared to see the large dark mass. It measured 10.6mm. I knew this was a death sentence. Baby also had fetal hydrops around skull and other parts of the body. The scan technition told me the measurement was very large and it was unlikely we would get a good outcome. I had to wait 3 weeks for my amnio so I still decided on my family trip away. It was hard to leave as I was scared I would mc and I was so upset I knew I could not enjoy this holiday knowing my beloved baby would die. On holiday I had a day where I felt not pregnant anymore and my tummy became floppy. It was like the round shape had dissapeared. I kept getting feelings like sharp ones in my cervix, I thought that maybe I was just thinking too much. We got home safely and then on the thurs I had my app with the specialists. I had a few bits of brown fibery stuff come out the nigt before so I was sure baby was gone. As soon as the scan came up I could see baby was gone. It was heartbreaking. As much as I was glad I would never have to make the horrible decision to end the pregnancy because of bubs sickness I was so lost at the thought of my much loved baby being dead inside me. I was immediately given a drug that ripens the cervix and separated the placenta and then 2 days later I was to come back and be give more pills to make baby come. What a horrible day. Labour started straight away and there was no gap between the contractions. I felt a pop in my tummy and then a vacuum kind of feeling and then my waters come out then the blood came heavily. They had to move the placenta out the road so baby could come out, 2 pushes and Ricky was born. The worst bit was pushing the placenta out, That was very painful. I did not need any pain relief though. Afetr ricky was cleaned up I got to hold him. he did not look 18 week like I knew he was, he was not even the size of 16 weeks like they thought he was he was timy. he had massive fluid on his tummy and neck but after 3 hours of holding him the fluid drained away and he looked so well, He did not have a nose and his profile was flat. I have a feeling his wee feet were clubbed too. Today he had a post mortem and I will get him back tomorrow. I am so so sad. I feel empty. I feel like I have been trying for a long time to give my daughter a wee friend but they all seem to die and it is getting harder to cope with. I cant get my wee boys face out of my thoughts. I am so in love with him and want him back. I wish I could hold his hand and teach him how to tie his shoes but I know I will never see him again and it hurts alot. Its hard to be pregnant and excited and then be empty and sad. I just love my wee boy. I really hope that the autopsy will come up with some reason for why ricky was so sick so I can be tested next time. Fly fee mamas beautiful angel
