Hardest Day Yet... - Multiple Sclerosis Message Board

kchs1 · 06-19-2005, 10:27 AM

Yesterday Was My 9th Day Since Being Diagnosed With Ms... And My Most Difficult. My Emotions Were Flying, I Couldn't Stop Crying, Couldn't Stop Myself From Being Mad. Mad At Myself, Mad At The World!

Funny Thing Is I Dont Feel Sorry For Myself. I Felt Like I Dont Wanna Be Here On Earth, Not Because Of Self-pitty. But Rather Because I Feel Like Im Robbing Everyone In My Immediate Life Off Their Own Life. I Cant Be Left Alone So I Won't Fall Or Burn Myself And Not Know Or Something. I Feel Like If I Were Not Here And In This Situation That The People Around Me Would Be Able To Do As They Please And Not Have To Cancel Functions Cause Someone Has To Be Around Me Constantly. I Cant Even Go To The Bathroom Without Some Form Of Supervision.

I Know That There Are People Out There Who Have It Worst , I Sympathize With Them. But Tell Me Is My Situation Not Bad? I Have Legs And Know That They Are There Simply Because I Can See Them Or When They Hurt Feel Them. Besides That They Dont Feel Like They Belong To Me. Im Only 25. Right Now Everyone Has To Reshuffle Their Life So They Can Help Me...

Im Trying To Be Positive, One Day Is Easier Than The Next. Sometimes The Pain Is So Grave That All I Can Do Is Laugh Like I've Lost My Mind To Keep From Crying.

And There Are People Out There With Everything Going For Them And They Are Still Not Happy And Are Complaining. One Of My So Called Friends Being One Off These People. She Wanted A New Job, Got It, Healthy And So Forth And She Has The Nerve To Tell Me Oh Dont Worry You'll Be Fine Just Try And Suck It Up!! Can U Believe Her? Friend...? Dont Think She Is. Its Always About Her. S***, I Would Give Anything To Be Able To Just Take A Shower On My Own Like I Once Could.

I'm Still Counting My Blessings Through It All...why? Cause I Still Have The Breath Of Life.

Trying To Cope And Keeping Positive
Its Hard But I'm Trying

Kchs[/color][/COLOR]

baddoey · 06-19-2005, 11:10 AM

I'm so sorry that you are having such a terrible time - I know what you are saying about the feeling that you having MS is going to have on other peoples lives. I am also newly dxed - my symptoms are very mild thought at this time, but I am very scared about the future. I have no family close to where i live - my mother and sister live overseas, and only a few of my friends know. I've learned that some people I just cant talk about it with, bc they just say "you will be fine, you are so strong". My sister, while I'm sure she is trying to be supportive, in saying that I shouldn't be worried about being in a wheelchair later in life and i shouldn't be scared. . . she just doesn't get it - so i've decided that i just can't talk to her about my fears about the future. I always think about "letting people down", no matter who it is - i'm just hoping that I will be able to take care of myself for a long time and not be a burden to anyone.

kchs1 · 06-19-2005, 11:11 AM

Need To Ask... Does Anyone Else Feel Like Me At Anytime Or Is It Just Me...?

kchs1 · 06-19-2005, 11:18 AM

Baddoey, I Hope U Dont Get To The Point Im At. But Im Newly Dx And It So Advanced Already So I Need To Depend On Others. Im Young And So Used To Being Independent, That I Know Im A Burden. My Mom Lives All The Way In The Caribbean., She'll Have To Retire Early To Move To Ny To Help Me...
I Just Hope That I Get A Good Spell Sometime Soon Cause Right Now...it Aint Easy.

KelliD · 06-19-2005, 11:18 AM

Kchs....what type of MS were you diagnosed with? What have the docs said about this exacerbation? Prognosis?

I do completely understand your emotions...and every single one of them is a normal reaction to this thief of a disease.

I am so sorry your friend is not more sympathetic. I have a similar friend. We have been closer than sisters, yet she can't - or doesn't want - to deal with what is happening in my body. I am cutting her some slack...I figure she doesn't know WHAT to say, but feels the need to say SOMETHING, and unfortunately, it's usually the wrong thing. MS is hard to grasp for those who don't deal with it in their own bodies because it is mostly invisible...and you can't just take an aspirin and a nap and automatically wake up feeling better.

Stay in touch on the boards...this is a good place to vent and ask questions, to encourage and be encouraged.

You said you are just 25. WHat you are going through is lousy to say the least. But know this, and I say this because I have been where you are, MS is NOT the END of life. It IS a different life. Not the one you signed up for, for sure....but don't throw in the towel. Cry when you needto cry, laugh every chance you get. And start seeking out ways to make things work for you, not against you.

I know that all sounds easier said than done. You are still new in your diagnosis and you're having to digest a lot. Let us help, will you? Keep talking to us!