doraluma

can symptoms vary from day to day?
some days i seem to have problems with certain symptoms and then they ease up and other ones bother me instead, then they come back.

which is a pain with seeing gps.
by the time i get to see them the symptoms have changed.

trigger warning gyn/gi tract stuff***
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:'(
i went to the gp about the cervix thing
she examined my cervix, which apparently now is back to normal.
(though im not convinced. she said my cervix was high up, but she got to it with a normal speculum and i have always needed an extra long speculum and even then it was tricky. i can reach it with my finger and that is not normal for me. but it does seem to move about a bit this weekend. it was really low when my vagina was numb, but now alot of the sensation has come back)
wouldnt even examine my rectum despite the fact that this 'bulge' now pretty much blocks it totally, the only way i can pass waste is by inserting my finger and push the bulge back in. and then there is mucus and blood with it.
i had bleeding last week too. that gp didnt examine me either.
this one went on about my antidepressants and stuff again.
i told i had pain in my chest between my shoulder blades and my chest feels heavy like mucous, but im not coughing anything up. when i lay in certain positions my rib cage kind of rattles.
but that must be my imagination cos she listened to my lungs and there isnt anything wrong.
bloodtests were meant to be in by now. but they arent.
saw optician again. different one. he cant see anything wrong with my eyes. i dont know if its normal but my prescription has changed from -1.50 to -1.25 since saturday. and couple of the other numbers were slightly different too.
i must just be mad like they said in the first place.
this gp said she thought i was having anxiety/panic attacks.
im not happy, its true. and i am a little worried about the rectal bulge and bleeding. but i had a year of panic attacks year before last. this is not one of those.
i know im not coping very well. but then thats a problem i have.
schizoaffective disorder.
of course im sure now you will all think the same as my gp's, that im imagining it all.
but i havent been psychotic since may. nor depressed. perhaps a week of onset of hypomania prior to this episode of physical stuff. but nothing out there.

but in the last week the moodswings are awful.
i keep crying for no reason (strange, i ve been pretty much unable to cry for the last 2 years) bouts of anger that are very very out of character for me. ive always been a very placid person. often with memory lapses during the emotional upsets.

still waiting for a cpn
i was supposed to have one by now.
but even then i would see them for half an hour once a month so thats not much use anyway.

i phoned my psychiatrists secretary twice last week saying i was getting worse physically and that its making me not cope mentally. no one has gotten back to me.

my legs feel strange. harder to move. more effort and concentration.
i guess thats dissociation/depersonalisation (hmmm maybe i am psychotic...)

really really upset
i dont feel well at all
and i think my relationship with my bf is at breaking point because of all this.

i dont get out of bed most of the day now. i cant bear to open my eyes sometimes because my vision jerks. every second. jerks to the left then slides to the right. i find it confusing and distressing. optician couldnt find anything wrong with my eyes. but then it hasnt been too bad today.
altough my prescription has changed a little over the weekend. only by 0.25 and a couple of the other numbers were slightly different.

tra la la

dora
xx