HI all. Well, well, Nikki is in need more than ever tonight....today, I had the worst fight with my husband...he left me in a position where he refused to help me with my shots...made me go to an ER to grovel to them for help, they refused me help, and the ironic part is, I managed to give myself the damn shot anyway! It just took my anger and frusrtation level to max out before I could do it..
Long story short, I am sitting here wondering what happend to "in sickness and in health" Im actually being told that he doesnt care if I have MS- nor does he care if I live or die right now..he wants me to "Get out" and "find someone else to sponge off of". Pretty funny since I work fulltime, take care of his kids, cook, clean and bring home a pretty decent paycheck...but not funny, when you are on the recieving end of hateful things being said...by someone you love and trust. Now, I should qualify this with beer was involved. My husband DOES NOT have a drinking problem and in fact rarely drinks, but today, at a company picnic, things got out of hand....I am pretty sure the beer and heat is what got him to the point of being like this...but then again, Im not one to make excuses....he CANT Possibly have an excuse for not putting my health (shot) before being angry..there is no excuse for that...he wants me to apologize for something I didnt do, wouldnt do and didnt do..I cant bring myself to do that...so, in the end, in his words "I lose".
A big part of me says bail out..get the heck out of this relationship/marriage...the bigger part of me says he pays my heatlh benefits, he takes care of the mortgage..and he provides me with the ability to survive this thing called MS...at least, until tonight he did...tonight, he proved that I dont need him to take care of my shots..I dont need him to make me feel like less of a person because he felt like taking out his frustration on me...but in the end, he is downstairs in the A/C watching a movie, and IM up here crying my eyes out..
Sad, huh?
I never expected this today...I never expected this ever. I really believed it was marriage forever, and taking care of each other...I am either stupid or blind...or missing something obvious..
Anyone want to clue me in? Should I let this go until monday and see what happens? Or should I keep the fight going, trying to make my point?
What the heck happened to me waking up this morning, trying to get excited about a picnic where I had my resrvations about going from the get go...?
Nikki -
Sounds to me like you are married, you are a couple, you have a relationship. You are NORMAL!
We all know that there are times when MS is harder on the people that love us than it is on us. Sounds like he's probably been hiding some feelings about it and the beer allowed him to spill the beans. He may have needed to do that. Not necessarily in the way he did it, but he wasn't in total control.
Now, you got something VERY IMPORTANT from the whole thing: You know you can do your own shot. That is a big deal, and it might very well change the dynamics of your marriage in a very positive way. When everything else about today is distant history, you will still have the ability to do your own shot.
Honestly, I've survived several fights like what you described over my life, and the relationships survived, too. I wouldn't recommend keeping it going, though. Just know for a FACT that you WILL SURVIVE, you WILL GET THROUGH IT. Just know that much tonight.
Thanks LILC.
I really needed to hear that right now. Im actually afraid to talk to him, or to even go downstairs...he is sitting there fuming, im sure.
Yup, your right, I proved I could do it...and Im proud of myself.I also know that next time, Ill try again to do it myself....but at the same time, I thought men were supposed to take care of their wives...tonight, he gave me the impression that until I kiss his A_S, its not going to happen. I do take care of him..beyond any reasonable expectations...people always tell me I do too much. Maybe I do...but I thought that was what a marriage was...50-50. Right now, I feel like I do more like 80-20 with me doing the hard stuff.....in his mind, bringing home a paycheck is more than enough.
I dont know. Im scared. I dont know if I want to change my life over this....I mean considering what I am thinking right now, we are talking a huge change...Im not ready..nor do I feel healthy enough to deal with it...but, I cant be walked on like this...I really cant. Its not healthy either.
Anyway, thanks for what you said. I appreciate hearing from you. I hope you are okay..>I read where you said "lots' happening in your world...Im praying you are well.
We need you...
Hugs.
N
I now that this is all very hard on you. I know I cant speak for him or for you since I am not there to see it all.
what I have learned with my husband at least is that he loves me and wants to help me but doesnt always know how, and yes he gets frustrated with things going on and may lose is cool, but it has more to do with his own feeling of inability to help and his own not knowing how to cope with losing the healthy wife he new. now of course losing his cool doesnt help the situation but for some reason thats how it is vented.
I would hope that this was the same with your husband, maybe everytime he gives you a shot, he is thinking he wished that he knew how to react and that he knew how to make you better, he cant make you better but I am sure somewhere in his male ego he wants to and he feels powerless to do it.
the fact that he said you were just moching ( sorry cant spell it ) off of him when you work full-time shows he was not in a rational frame of mind and was just venting his frustration about the whole situation but rather then say he hated the MS he vented it at you. I am sure once he has some time to cool down he will realize how much what he said hurt and he will feel horriable for it. if he doesnt approach you, I would wait a day or two for him to cool down and then approach him about what he said. let him know the words hurt and did he really mean what he said, does he really feel you are moching ( theres that word again ) off of him even though you work full-time. does he really want you to leave or is there something else. usually when someone snaps like that its because they have been letting their own fear and worry build inside rather then bring it to you, because they dont want to stress you further when they know how much you are already dealing with. but again I can only assume this is the case.
the relationship and reaction sound pretty normal, and it would probably be best to wait until you both calm down a bit so that things are not said in the heat of emotion and you can both talk and really get down to what is going on and how you both feel and are dealing with it.
I will send all love and positive thought your way as well.
Thanks worldflame..
Part of what you said makes perfect sense, and there is more to this than I can explain on this board. Something else happened today,which has nothing to do with me, or MS- which really set him off....Add a few beers to the mix and you have a bad situation....you might be right about his feeling incompetent- that might very well be true....but no matter what, i cant get past the feeling that I was LIED to, that "he will always take care of me" is conditional- and I dont do well with conditions. I spend too much time investing myself in his problems, his kids, ex wife, and legal crap...I said I would marry him knowing all this, and I have never shrugged off my part. Tonight, he really hurt me.
But, I apprecaite you giving me your perspective on this. I do...thank you.
Hugs,
And, feel better would ya??
Nikki
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