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Old 08-12-2007, 03:58 PM   #1
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Exclamation My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

Hi all, I'm new here and I need some help..

I'm 20 and I live in my mom's house with my boyfriend and my little 11 year old sister.

We just got over the fact that my father can't deal with my mother, so he moved out and left us.

I know the problems associated with MS, but does it really make you a monster? 10 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with it. She is on various medications and Copaxone for the injection. She gets money from the government, money from my father and my sister gets money from the gov as well.

In the past 5 years, I have watched my mom, who is 50, give up on everything. This is what a normal day is like in my house. I get up.. it's about 11 or 12 in the afternoon. I work so I have a right to sleep in on my days off. I get a "Good Afternoon" sarcastic welcome and then right off the bat it's what I need to do for her. And it's not just me, she does this to my boyfriend and my sister. We have to go to walmart, we have to pick up her pills, we have to go to kohl's and waste money. I have to do this and that and that and this. EVERYDAY! We don't mind taking her places, but when she asks like she's a drill sergeant..it gets kind of stressful. It has to be done NOW or she'll go and do it herself. She can't drive anymore and she's mostly in a wheelchair, even though she knows she can walk.

Our life is hell.. She goes to walmart WEEKLY and spends 100 - 200 dollars a week on useless crap that we already have around the house. When I tell her we don't need it? She yells at me and makes a big scene in the store. Then she complains to me, a month later, that I need to pay the bills because she can't. She's the one that gets herself into hot water, but won't accept responsibility. She wastes almost 200 dollars a pop, each time she goes to Kohls department store, only to return half the stuff she got. Then complains to me that we don't have money to pay the important bills.

She told me that she has given up on being a parent, and I thought it was a load of crap. But little did I know, she did. She doesn't pay attention to her other daughter, only if she needs something. She calls my little sister fat, pats her tummy and tells her she needs to go on a diet and she has called her a witch and a *****. My sister is neither. She bends over backwards for her mom without much complaining, but sometimes she acts like a snot, but that's normal. My sister over eats because of all the stress and negativity in this house. Now my boyfriend/fiance and I have gone broke, taking care of my sister because my mom sits around and mopes and groans about her life and only cares to watch tv and eat.

She complains about how bad off she is when she can walk, talk, hear, see and feel. I lived with a woman who had kidney, liver and heart failure. ONE LEG. Diabetes and degenerative disc disease. And this woman loved life and never complained.

My mom makes us all feel like we can't do anything good enough for her when we do everything she asks. When we don't get what she wants done right away, or when we go shopping by ourselves... she calls up her family and ******* to them about how we don't do a damn thing. So then, at a family event I get people from my family coming up to me, putting me on the spot saying I don't do anything for her and I should step up more.

My fiance was in tears yesterday because my mom was treating him like she used to treat my father. She was relentless and told him to get his *** out of bed and told my dad, who stopped over, that Matt doesn't do anything for her and just likes to blame her for our problems. My fiance is 23. He's not a slacker, a druggy or a drunk. He is an upstanding man and loves to help people out. He's nothing like she says he is.

My sister is always in tears and is now close to wanting to just kill herself. What can I do? I'm trying to keep our family together but when we tell my mom how we feel, she says "Oh whatever, I don't believe you! You guys are full of ****." It hurts so much because I love my mom and I know she loves us. But if she loves us so much, why does she treat us like we are the enemy?

She USED to go to a psychologist but stopped going for unknown reasons. She says she's going to change but she never wants to fix the problem. She just runs off to her room and stays the same. She tells her doctors, her neuro, her therapist and her regular doctor that she's feeling fine and that everything is ok. When we know full well that it's not.

How can I get her to realize what she's doing to us? My sister and I are always sick because of the stress and I'm close to just throwing in the towel. My fiance has a heart problem and needs to stay relaxed, but he has a short fuse and gets upset when she gets sarcastic. She never thinks she's wrong but everyone else is.

What do I do? Please help... (Sorry for the long story. Please don't think I'm heartless. I love my mom.. but she's becoming unbearable...)

 
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Old 08-12-2007, 05:34 PM   #2
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MSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB User
Re: My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

Hi crazy4cats
Sorry to hear you are going thru this, it sounds HORRIBLE. Just so you know, NO. This is not what life with MS is like for most of us. Im sure there are exceptions, but your mom sounds like she is taking advantage of all of you. Due to the fact that there is a minor in the house, its a really bad situation. My first thought was to tell you to move out, and stop enabling her...which you are by doing what she tells you to do and spending money which you know would be better spent on bills; however, knowing that there is a young child in the house, you really cant up and leave....unless you can petitioin the state to allow you temporary custody.

And, that would be my first suggestion to you. Go see a counselor, or a police officer, call the local MS society or any support group you can find locally to find out what rights you have, what help you can get, etc. Also, talk to your father about the possiblity of taking in your sister for a time, while you try to get your mom some emotional help. What your mother is experiencing IS NOT MS related...but does sound like she is depressed and in need of professional help. Can you contact her doctor? A trusted person who can help you? You, yourself are too young to be carrying all this. Your mom needs professional help.

PLease forgive me for calling you an enabler, although you are, I do see that your hands are somewhat tied in this situation. I also see that you are really concerned, and have concern for both your mom and your sister. You really need to get out of that house, and keep your fiance away from this as well....things like this will ruin your potential future with this man. He is only going to take this for so long before he explodes, and it wont be your fault...but who could blame him?

Due to the fact that your sister is so young, and still in school, possibly there is a counselor at the school you could go see and talk to? Just a thought, but maybe someone would have a starting place for you..

Im really sorry, I hope you dont think IM being cold. Im really feeling for you...but honestly, stuff like this gives MS a bad name, gives people like your mom excuses to HURT YOU and YOUR SISTER and look what it did to your dad....is he able to help you with this ? Does he care enough about his kids to lend a hand in this situtaion ? Only asking him will tell....

Wish you well- really. I feel so bad for your situation, but if it helps, Ive given you only my opinion. NO. MS doesnt do this to people, depression does...and depression may be a side effect of any meds she is on, or the fact that your dad left...either way, you have to get your sister out of there while you deal with this....or find someone else to deal with it for you...
Let us know if we can help.
Nikki
__________________
RRMS- dx 05

 
Old 08-12-2007, 07:42 PM   #3
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taosdaphne HB User
Re: My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

You are in a rotten situation. A piece of advice I live by is that my happiness or unhappiness is dependent upon my own actions, not upon the actions or reactions of others.

So what action can you take? Is your mom on antidepresants? Sounds like she needs them. Can your local MS group find support group for family members? Can YOU find a therapist to work with? You need to set boundaries--every other week for walmart and a set amount of money she can't exceed (get her a gift card) is one thought. Can you help her find other MS patients to talk to? The majority I know are cheerful and active--me, I've figured out a way to get on a horse again, and I'm working on something that will help me ge up when I fall xc skiing. Could you join a water aerobics class with her?

Let us know how it goes. She's feelin sorry for herself and taking it out on you.

taosdaphne

 
Old 08-12-2007, 08:00 PM   #4
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crazy4catz2 HB User
Re: My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

Wow, I didn't expect such good responses. Thank you! You already have made me felt better. Yes, she is on antidepressants and her doctor said she seems fine on them.

I am not on any sort of medical insurance. So I wouldn't be able to get any help for myself. I was once suicidal, when this whole situation started. But since my fiance came along, I have since calmed myself down. I am going to try and do my part to fix this. But with my father, he wouldn't be able to take care of my sister full time. Sadly, he's like my mom.. he cares about himself and his relationship with his new girlfriend. And only wants the responsibility of the child for a day or two at the max. My sister usually spends all day with my fiance and I. I volunteer at a local animal shelter and she comes along most of the time.

And the thing is.. you guys say it's not MS that's doing this, and I'm glad to know, because I was initially chalking this all up to MS. And in the situtation we are in, we can't just up and leave.

Thanks again all and I will let you all know how things go. Hugs to all and god bless.

 
Old 08-13-2007, 06:09 AM   #5
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Re: My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

Hi Crazy4cats, I am in the process of being dx'd myself but your story sounds very familiar and I want to just tell you quickly about it. My sister had a very bad case of MS with complications that caused her husband to leave her in the early years, she was devastated as she loved him with all of her heart and soul. It's a fact that more women get MS then men and more men leave their wives over it. My sister cried daily and it was hard enough on her going through what her destiny set out for but to top it off the man she was madly in love with walked out. She was mean, she was mad at the world for a while and who could blame her, she did nothing wrong, she was told she couldn't occupy her accounting job anymore and she was to the point of not being able to care for herself..now she was at home with a 11 yr old son and he did everything for her, down to helping her on and off the toilet...she was mean to him...I know in my heart she didn't mean to be but he was all she had and he suffered the consequences....my sis passed away a few years ago at the age of 47, I seen her son recently....I moved to Canada a year ago, my family is in the states...most of them Illinois, but he barred no anger and understood how bad she had it..no antidepressants would fix her problems. It broke all of our hearts to watch it all happen and there was nothing we could do to help, I lived with her for 6 months to try to take some burden off of him and to do what I could to help...I totally understand where your at and how this effects everyone in the house. You need to talk to her Dr and tell him how she is behaving down to the spending money, everything you told us here should be relayed to the Dr and if she doesn't stop abusing you all along with her situation she needs to understand there will be an outcome that can ultimately leave her alone...doubt she wants that either right now, but, you do need to stop enabling her as said above. On the other hand, I don't know the history between your parents and maybe the MS really didn't have anything to do with the divorce but it takes people years sometimes to adjust and maybe she needs more TLC from you guys regarding that, I don't know...but, if she was my Mom I would make her join support groups or at least one and get her a good positive friend...someone she can lean on. I do wish for the best outcome for all of you, tell her to come here and talk even..it has helped a lot of people..maybe she'll come talk, half the pain is because it's being bottled up it sounds like. Shopping is a stress reliever for her, she needs to find an alternative that won't jeopardize the homelife and sometimes we all need a arrow pointing the way...she just needs some more help and she's lucky to have you...very very lucky. Sorry so long, you hang in there and let us know how things are going. Hugs****

 
Old 08-13-2007, 11:17 AM   #6
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crazy4catz2 HB User
Re: My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

My mom was like this... even before my dad left. That's what caused him to leave. He'd come home from a hard day's work and right away she'd jump on him. Attacking him verbally about bills (she was still spending away while he was here), money and how his private business isn't going as well as planned.

She never supported him through the hardest time of starting your own business so he felt abandoned and sad. Who could blame him?

I'm sorry your sister passed away at such a young age. My mom isn't that bad off. She can do a lot of normal things. Get on and off the toilet, walk, write, see, hear (With aids), go on the computer, go outside and do yard work. She just is selling herself short all the time and it makes me upset because I know she never was like that.

She says something nasty to one of us and when we tell her that she did, a day later, she "Conveniently" forgets that she says it. Yet she can remember something she bought 2 weeks earlier for herself.

I figured that today we would all sit down at the kitchen table and talk. (Something we've never done before, rationally at least). I plan on telling her everything you've said to me with kindness and I don't plan on rubbing it in. She just needs to hear what's really going on and what other people think about it. I was even going to go as far and tape recording her. Would that be ideal or no?

At the start of the sign up for this site, it asked me if I had wish to invite anyone else.. I DID invite my mom. So I'm hoping she joins up as well.

Thanks for all your responses.

 
Old 08-13-2007, 11:44 AM   #7
cjn cjn is offline
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Re: My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

Good luck with the meeting, very good and responsible idea which I do hope gives her more insight as to your take on all of this along with the rest of the family. Just so you know that the MS has nothing to do with her anger as I doubt many would even get away with those things. Not to say people with MS don't get angry.
There is obviously an issue with her that has gone unresolved for years..this is what she needs to get to the bottom of in my opinion. She forgets the nasty moments because she doesn't want to remember them, she loves you girls and when she hurts you she hurts herself, another reason to stop that behaviour and get help now for it. Not sure about the tape recorder..that's up to you but it may be beneficial down the road..makes me think about how when people are video taped unbeknowst to them and when they act like fools and see themselves on a tape, they are even surprised and say that it surprised them to see themselves act like that so yes it could be an eye opener and assist in her getting the support..I certainly don't want to tell you to do that though, again, if it's part of your plan you know your Mom best so think about it and you decide that. Good luck!!!
Edit: The reason I mentioned to tell the Dr about this is because it may be the meds..he may need to readjust things there...if he doesn't know the truth then how will he treat her properly...maybe if you can convince her that she needs to be honest with her Dr's then you can relax a bit..

Last edited by cjn; 08-13-2007 at 11:56 AM. Reason: my mind is twirling

 
Old 08-15-2007, 01:14 AM   #8
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Re: My mom has MS and I need suggestions.

I have yet to sit down with her. She has been hard to talk to lately, but rest assured, a meeting will be made and things will get said. I know we all need it.

 
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