Hello gang. I woke up this morning feeling awful- like a truck ran me over.
Now, those of you who know me, know that Im having some really stressful days with work- and my family life...and Ive been pushing thru all of it not letting it get to me, but I guess it did. Today, my feet and hands were numb, upon waking, not just my hand (as usual).
I called my Neuro who ironically had just had a cancellation so they fit me in. My Neuro is wonderful- a caring, compassionate guy who knows me well. He listened to my story and told me "A healthy person would be falling over with your schedule and stress level, and YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY". He talked to me about how my job is the worst thing in the world for me. Dealing with hosptials and doctors/nurses all day takes me into "sick places' which is not a good idea, considering being on Rebif is messing with my immune system. We talked at length about how it comprimises the immune system and for any of you who have ever questioned the whole Interferon thing- Ive now had alot of answers provided.. Being on Avonex, Rebif or Beta really does cause you to have a lower immune system, thus allowing you to get sicker, easier. I know most of us, myself included say we dont get sick as often...but the truth is, if you are going to get "it"- youre going to get "it' twice as hard, twice as fast and it will take twice as long to get rid of "it".
Bottom line, my doctor wants me to quit my job and find a nice safe desk job somewhere that I wont be as exposed to both illnesses- and stress. Im really at my breaking point, wondering how Im going to actually do that. Ive had 3 job interviews in the past 3 months and havent wanted (or gotten) any of the jobs, probably because my heart isnt in it.....now, I have to reevaluate. Being a Director is a high stress job, having the entire sales force under me means having to meet quotas, do alot of extra work to help the reps who need me and juggle more than 1000 accounts in a 9 county area. Its really stressful....but I love it. And, I cant imagine doing anything else....please send advice if anyone knows what Im talking about..
Meanwhile, the pain, in my hand has been so extreme that today he decided to try pain trigger injections...basically, steroids into my back where the nerves run into my hand. Has anyone had this sort of test? Ive had PT, Accupuncture, and evrery other outpatient test and drug imanginable...they do think my hand is connected to my spine- and thats where the pain radiates from, so I just got my insurance to approve this, ten minutes ago. Has anyone had steroid injections? I go a week from Tuesday and Im scared. I hate the idea of anyone injecting anything into my spine...lived thru the spinal tap, but this is injecting in, not taking out- and Im scared!
Thanks for letting me vent. I just feeel really scared right now. Its amazing that one can do "so much" and keep "plowing thru the crap" and then, BOOM it catches up with you...let this be a lesson to all of you- dont pull a "nikki" and think you can do it for long...when it does catch up, its not pretty.
Nikki, first of all I'm sorry for feeling so bad. I just logged on to post a thread to send you some hugs and encouragement when I saw your thread.
You know what I'm going to say: please find another job asap where the stress level won't kill you. Please? You may have to take a pay cut, hopefully not a big one, but it will all be worth it! Your husband is going to have to learn to deal. This job was upsetting you before, and now you even have a doctor telling you to quit! I know you'll miss the perks, but the perks to your health will make it more than worth it. Are you a "pharm rep" as we used to call them? We had many yummy meals from them--there's always a new mental health medication coming out. I've known lots of pharm reps, and many told me confidentially that the job is stressing them out, and none of them had MS that I know of.
I have no advice to give regarding the medical stuff, like the shots in your hand. You and a few others are the ones I turn to to ask stuff like that. But I do understand your situation very, very well, as you know.
Please do re-evaluate. I know there's a lot of stuff to consider. My husband and I are pretty broke right now, until I start my job. COBRA and the other expenses were hard--but we made it. We won't be taking any vacations this year, but we have enough to splurge on fun things. Even though we had to scrimp a lot, it was worth it, for both of us. I had no idea he'd be as supportive as he was. I think that he was sick of me crying every night about my job, and what it was doing to me, and throwing up every morning wondering how I was gonna make it through another day.
I was going to start a thread asking for people to send you prayers and well-wishes for finding a new job. I think this thread will suffice. Honey, please do what you need to improve your health. You have been Superwoman, working hard, taking care of your husband and the kids. It's time to chill out. If you don't you may not be able to do any of that stuff anymore.
You have been in my thoughts every day--several times a day, because I completely understand what you're going through, and the internal turmoil you're experiencing. Please know that you have my encouragement. When you find the right job, or when it finds you, you'll be soooo happy, and so will I. I intend to be there every step of the way for you.
If your husband won't get it, tell him what the doctor said, and have the doctor tell him if need be. He just might surprise you, like mine did.
When you get a chance, take a xanax and have a cup of tea, and please keep me updated. I have no doubts whatsoever that you'll be able to find the right job, none at all.
Your Buddy, April
__________________
April
dx 9/07
Avonex started 11/07,
Stopped 4/10 due to no insurance.
Nikki, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I have to echo April's words. Find yourself a new job. Desk jobs (and it doesn't have to be that!) don't necessarily have to be dull and boring. There are fun desk jobs that are challenging that get the mind going. There are options out there for you, don't sell yourself short, but you're wise to not have jumped to another job if your heart wasn't into it. I'm confident you'll find what you're looking for. You're extremely bright, and you need to put your mind to work
I do hope that this new pain you're experiencing is only temporary for you. The last thing you need is more of that! I'll say a prayer for you tonight and be thinking of you. Hugs
Hi April and Nenu...thank you both. April, I know you especially have "known' me for a long time now, and have heard it all and seen it all from me..so I know you DO understand..especially on the job front. And, Nenu, although we havent been in touch as long- I do appreciate your words of encouragment.
No,Im not a drug rep. I am the Director of Marekting Operations of one of NJ's largest Medical Tranpsortation Carriers, and the Director of the Medical Transportation ******- this all adds up to a great title and a whole lot of stress. Basically, I am in charge of 20 sales reps, 5 marketers and a crew of over 225 dispatchers and intake (phone girls) across the State...for those of you who dont know, NJ is one of the densest states in the Union, with more people per square mile then 95% of the Country. We handle both emergency (911) and nonemergency transport and specialize in Medicare/Medicaid patients with disabilities and handicaps...that being said, not only is this job close to the heart- but also I spend my entire life watching people get sick-and sicker..and in many cases, eventually die. I also am the only liason for the facilities (hospitals, nursing homes, dialysis centers, rehabs, assisted livings, the list goes on) who use us.. they call me from everything to setting up a run (they SHOULD be calling the offices- we have 8 of them) to calling with complaints about service/drivers/EMTs/etc...its a never ending sounding board! So, that gives you an idea of what I do....ugh. I just made myself sick!
So thank you, both of you- for reminding me that there is more to life than this. I went to school, found out I had MS 2 semesters before graduating with my MBA and did it all with a GPA of 4.0 from an Ivy League school. I was so proud of myself when i landed this job! It really is my biggest accomplishment- but now that Ive done it for a year..I dont know. It IS time to reevaluate.
Im going to re-read both your posts quite a bit this weekend. Ive turned off the phones and cancelled all plans to go out- this weekend is for me, for rest and reflecting..and decision making! Ill keep you posted.
Hugs
Nikki
MBA, that's truly awesome! I only completed my bachelor's degree, and I certainly wasn't stellar at University haha! Academic probation after my first and 4th years (I did my BA in 5 years.. 3-4 courses a term instead of 5 while working full time). My GPA graduating was 2.1? After graduating, I honestly had dreams of the University coming back to me and saying I had missed a course, or they had calculated my grades incorrectly and taking my degree out of my hands. I'm not joking about this either LOL!
Won't lie however... I did have quite a blast partying it up for those 5 years, much to my parent's chagrin!
Whenever you need to vent or whine or complain or worry, I'm here. Nenu's right--not all desk jobs are boring! With my new job, I'll be working with the mentally ill, which is never dull! I love hearing people's stories, and stories from the mentally ill are especially interesting. I'm sure that with your education, you'll be able to land a very interesting desk job!
Good for you for taking the weekend to do nothing but relax. You need it and deserve it!
__________________
April
dx 9/07
Avonex started 11/07,
Stopped 4/10 due to no insurance.
I read your post and it reminded me of ME last summer in one of my 1st posts on this board. Being comepletely overwhelmed, stressed, tired and the whole thing was taking its toll on me.
I remember your words that always ring in my ears. That I need to find a way to cut back and get some help because my health depends on it.
I also remember that I was so severely independant and have always been my own financial provider and losing that for me, would be like losing a limb.
Do you remember I told you that I was sooo afraid of leaning on anyone that I wouldn't even take money from my own husband because that would make me dependant on him? I needed to know that I would be ok without him and if I ever fealt like things were not ok, I could ask him to leave, I'd still be supporting myself and paying all my own bills and I'd survive. A bad marriage with abuse can do crazy things to us!!
But this board changed me. And I am forever grateful for that. I kept hearing from you all that I was doing to much and needed to slow down or it would drag my health down. Well, it did!!
One day while my husband and I were discussing giving up the buisiness, I told him my fears and he said "Its time for me to take care of you". It was that day, at that very moment that my life changed.
I told him that I needed to except this and I've taken care of everything for so long, it was his turn. This was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, not only phisically but emotionally. In my struggles to keep me and my kids in a "safety Zone" I had built a wall between myself and my husband.
He has stepped up and what a truly amazing man I have!! He looks out for my health, takes care of me when I'm weak and smiles at me all the time and I know now that in letting go, I have opened a new door. This is what I've been missing in life. Without the crazy hussle and bussle of working, stressing and being totally wiped, I'm a much happier person.
I may not be an independant woman anymore by my standards but now I have the time and strength to be a loving wife and a mom who is more available to her children. What an eye opener!!
I've lost the income from the buisiness but we've adjusted our lifestyle. We called the cable company and cell phone company and made cutbacks. I invested in a blackjack phone which hooks into my PC and the cost is only $20 a year so I cancelled my home phone.
We don't eat out as often, but we all enjoy planning and cooking yummy healthy meals together and I must say, my daughter is becoming quite the cook!!
I still do my auction sales at my own pace and this month I've grossed almost $3000!! This is not bad for working at my own pace. And its working. Of course, we'll need to make adjustments as we go and cut back as we can but the bottom line is we have made all of these changes as a family and its the best decision I've ever made in my life!! Now I can focus on my health and with surgery up and coming, I won't be rushing my recovery. Wow!! What a feeling of relief!!
Sorry I am going on and on. And I know your situation is definately different from mine. But adjustments can be made Nikki, to help YOU!! You need to think of your health and put yourself 1st. I've heard you say this so many times to others so you believe that in your heart.
Maybe you and your hubby can sit down and come up with some solutions. And if you can't do it together, you'll have to come up with some on your own. Please think about this over the weekend and try to find a way, Nikki!! Your worth it!!
Hi, Nikki,
Just reading the list of what you do makes me weary.
I won't try to sway you away from a job that sounds like it offers financial security and at least introspective satisfaction. Both are important.
I won't tell you to add something more that will allow you to celebrate your strength, for where would you find the time?
I can't ask you to turn away from a position that you'd spent years of your life and countless dollars acquiring its required skills and certificates/degrees, as I would never want to be asked to do so myself.
I can offer simply a reminder of the golden rule: I can wish for you what I wish for myself - what I dare to ask for when I pray beyond my daily prayers of gratitude - I wish pray for us the continued strength to be and to do all that we can ... I wish for us the steady guidance that those we have loved who have gone on before us can wisely offer from their higher perspective ... I wish for us the realization that we will one day complete our tasks with an unsullied reputation ... I wish for us the wisdom that will allow us to temper our tempers during periiods of frustration ... and to ration our portions of energy fairly between work, community, and friends, saving the lion's share for those we love and are loved by ... I wish that the finish line will stay within sight, that our eyes never veer too far from the coveted prize of compassion, that the goals we have set are reasonable and achievable, and that we reach the finish line with our dignity and our family's security intact.
I can share the insight that, as Mother Teresa is said to have said, "I can do no great thing, only small things, with great love."
Nik, I've only read Nenu and April's response and quite honestly, there isn't anything I can add, they covered it beautifully. I just wish you peace and quiet for your reflection time, I hope that you can reach a clear decision AND be at peace with whatever it is. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
Quote:
Originally Posted by MSNik
Hello gang. I woke up this morning feeling awful- like a truck ran me over.
Now, those of you who know me, know that Im having some really stressful days with work- and my family life...and Ive been pushing thru all of it not letting it get to me, but I guess it did. Today, my feet and hands were numb, upon waking, not just my hand (as usual).
I called my Neuro who ironically had just had a cancellation so they fit me in. My Neuro is wonderful- a caring, compassionate guy who knows me well. He listened to my story and told me "A healthy person would be falling over with your schedule and stress level, and YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY". He talked to me about how my job is the worst thing in the world for me. Dealing with hosptials and doctors/nurses all day takes me into "sick places' which is not a good idea, considering being on Rebif is messing with my immune system. We talked at length about how it comprimises the immune system and for any of you who have ever questioned the whole Interferon thing- Ive now had alot of answers provided.. Being on Avonex, Rebif or Beta really does cause you to have a lower immune system, thus allowing you to get sicker, easier. I know most of us, myself included say we dont get sick as often...but the truth is, if you are going to get "it"- youre going to get "it' twice as hard, twice as fast and it will take twice as long to get rid of "it".
Bottom line, my doctor wants me to quit my job and find a nice safe desk job somewhere that I wont be as exposed to both illnesses- and stress. Im really at my breaking point, wondering how Im going to actually do that. Ive had 3 job interviews in the past 3 months and havent wanted (or gotten) any of the jobs, probably because my heart isnt in it.....now, I have to reevaluate. Being a Director is a high stress job, having the entire sales force under me means having to meet quotas, do alot of extra work to help the reps who need me and juggle more than 1000 accounts in a 9 county area. Its really stressful....but I love it. And, I cant imagine doing anything else....please send advice if anyone knows what Im talking about..
Meanwhile, the pain, in my hand has been so extreme that today he decided to try pain trigger injections...basically, steroids into my back where the nerves run into my hand. Has anyone had this sort of test? Ive had PT, Accupuncture, and evrery other outpatient test and drug imanginable...they do think my hand is connected to my spine- and thats where the pain radiates from, so I just got my insurance to approve this, ten minutes ago. Has anyone had steroid injections? I go a week from Tuesday and Im scared. I hate the idea of anyone injecting anything into my spine...lived thru the spinal tap, but this is injecting in, not taking out- and Im scared!
Thanks for letting me vent. I just feeel really scared right now. Its amazing that one can do "so much" and keep "plowing thru the crap" and then, BOOM it catches up with you...let this be a lesson to all of you- dont pull a "nikki" and think you can do it for long...when it does catch up, its not pretty.
Awwww Nikki.
I'm sorry your feeling so blue. My eyes filed up with tears reading the posts.. Your such a strong woman. to hear that yr not well saddens me
You my friend are a angel on this board
I'm sure i can speak for everyone here. We all love you on this board.
Every time i come on i see how much you help us all.
These to you my friend ((((((((hugs hugs hugs )))))))
You've worked so hard to be where you are what with work and HOME.
If you want to get a new job go for it, in the meantime, maybe you really should just cut back your hours if possible.
Which ever way you go. You need some ME time in each and everyday.
Any wonder yr buggered its existing just reading your job description. Then to go home to kids and hubby, which rely on you so much.
I hope this weekend brings you some clarity,. Find some peace hon. You need it.
wow. Im so overwhelmed right now, Im not sure where to start. To all of you- THANK YOU so much.
Cindy- wow. Im stuck in wow mode. First, to know that my words of wisdom helped to get you where you are now makes me smile...and with all you are going thru, upcoming surgery, etc- Im so wow'd that you would take the time to write all you did and send me those words..thank you so much. I do know that what you wrote, there is nothing but truth in, and I need to really think about those words this week. Im about to print out everything everyone wrote and hold it close to my heart all this weekend so that I really can reflect on your words- all of your words.
Penns & Chalk- thank YOU for the prayers and quoting Mother Theresa. As I am not a horrible religious person, I still like to think of myself as spiritual and the prayer you reminded me of, the words you sent, were exactly what I needed to read right now..you do know, as a professional, yourself, the dedication it takes to be good at your job- and yes, reading what I wrote made me tired as well! My doctor said the same thing..he keeps reminding me that I do too much. Its time to listen to him. I went to bed early last night and tried to get some rest, but the mind wouldnt shut down. At midnight, I gave up and took a Xanax hoping it would help..I guess it did, I slept till about 8 am...now, its time to really starting using my God gifted brain and think about what to do about this...thank you for taking the time to put these thoughts into words.
Kim- you reiterarated what I needed to hear, but more than anything, your support and caring helped. I need to remember that I am not alone in this crazy world called MS, and hearing from you- someone who has also known me for quite a while on these boards makes a difference, thank you my friend..
And Glamour Girl, my GG- someday Ill tell you why I nicknamed you that, beyond the obvious that Glamour Girl and GG come to mind...there is actually a reason and someday Ill remember to share that with you. But, you too, have been my angel and friend for a very long time now...its so incredible to me that two people from across an ocean can get to know each other the way we have..Ive watched you grow here to where your posts are no longer fearful, but full of exciting, optimistic and caring thoughts. Thank you for sharing those with me today especially. Were both going to be okay girlfriend..I know it, deep down.
Each of you shared a common thought and that is finding ME time for myself. I want you all to know, that the hour I sit in front of this computer and sharing about myself, our disease, and experiences, is ME time for me. I adore being a part of this community..sharing and connecting with all of you, along with the newcomers we see each month both keeps me grounded and reminds me that I am not alone in this journey called MS. When I was first dx, almost 2 years ago, people here managed to get me thru the darkest days...I promised myself then and there that if I came out on top, Id help others, the way I was helped. I do allot of volunteer work with MS, and also, through my job take special pride in being a large part of how we help other MSers in this area with transportation needs. Ive actually set up a special program for 2 local MS chapters to be their primary contact for people in need, and believe me, they do take advantage of the offer! But all of this I share with you in the spirit of thanking you. I need all of you to get thru the not so bright times..and right now, im having one of those.
I plan on trying to talk to my husband alittle more this weekend...so far, its been a complete waste of time- but I do think that the time has come to force him to give me straight answers, and stop dodging my questions...will keep you all posted on that one!
Love and hugs to you all....and thank you again.
Nikki
PS Ivan- your post showed up while I was typing this, thank you TOO for taking a moment to send positive thoughts. I appreciate it.
Nikki, I'm so glad to see you post. It sounds like you're a lot more positive today, and got a good night's sleep... so important!
You're right, you need to use your intelligence that you are blessed with and find what is best for you. It's out there! Look at the great support and advice you gave April, and where she is now. You can have that too!
Sorry for your "blues". My neuro told me that they can inject cortisol?? if there is a space to inject it to block the nerve. My pains have always been in the no opening area.
As to becoming a desk jockey, sometimes that can be as stressful as getting out and about. When I was selling, I felt I had less stress out of the office because I had an excellent assistant to whom I could delegate paperwork and know it would be finished. If you are not healthy, you need to toss aside the emotional arguments and list your facts. Based upon the data you collect, then you can make an objective decision as to what is right or best for you. All too often emotions can keep us from making the right decision.
Because you are in a Blue Zone, now is not the time to render a decision. WHen you are better, weigh out your facts.
In the meantime, keep on keepin on!! Prayers for you.
hey everyone...Jayhawk, thank you for acknowledging the Blue Zone, as you called it, and you are sooo right- now is NOT the time to make decisions...but, I do understand what you said, and where you are coming from, and will take it under advisment, as it is sound advice..(and Ill take the prayers, thank you!)
To all of you...about the GG thing...and Glamour Girl, you bettter be out there paying attention! My best friend and I all thru our 20s, did hair/makeup for NBC news...this is part of why I didnt go to college right off the bat, after high school- I went to cosmetology school instead with the specific purpose of doing makeup...anyway, they (the newscasters) used to call us the Glamour Girls- we worked as a team, she did hair, and I did makeup....for four years we lived in different cities as a team for NBC getting to meet all sorts of wonderful people and see different things...eventually, they called her G1 and me G2, because usually they saw her in Hair, before they saw me in Makeup...we kind of nicknamed ourselves GG....to this day, I still get emails from old friends saying "hi Glamour Girl" and to this day, my bestest buddy, who now lives in Florida (not real great, when I live in NJ) still calls me up and says "hey GG"....its silly, but you all wanted to know...Glamour Girl, when you first signed on as Glamour Girl- I laughed...it was a name that I should have thought to have used on this board, but didnt....I shortened it to GG with affection, because the name Glamour Girl will always conjure up happy memories, positive thoughts and times which bring back smiles....Silly, right?
On another note, i just took the one hour ride with my husband to my moms house to drop off somthing...we spent a few hours on her back porch having an interesting converstation. My mom, knows me well, and can read me like the proverbial book...she knew something was on my mind and dragged it out of me..because both my husband and stepfather were also there, it gave me a chance to both vent and cry a bit about what is happening in my world...they listened, offered alot of love and support, but didnt quite get the entire picture...my husband did, and choose not to engage in a real conversation while at their house..we shall see if this opens up more conversation here at home, this evening..but at least I got a chance to vent and talk, and he was sort of forced to hear what I really needed him to hear... so, more on that, when I have something to report.
Again, hugs to you all, hope all of you have a wonderful holiday weekend.
Nikki
Hi Nikki.
Just woke up its a sunday morning.. Great to see ya on board. So glad your feeling brighter. Its amazing what a nite rest can do. and see you've had so many well wishes here. That would brighten your day. thats a awesome feling.
Ok girl... you got me WHY WHY WHY ??? G.G. i assumed it was to shorten glamour Girl too just like Nenu said..
Seems like yr making others wonder too haha.. We can get into that on another post.. This one my friend is about you !!
Hope yr hubby listens to you today. But most of all. I hope he warms you with a embrace and tells you all will be ok.
That's a great story... hehehe i smiled the whole way through. glad to bring up nice memories. Its good you still keep in touch too. Hmm yes I'm surprised you didn't use that name.
I came up with that name because hubby and i started a small work from home business selling costume jewellery and also alot of diamante stuff too. So I'm always blinged up when we go out. that's how i got Glamour girl. I get here comes Glamour girl .Its part of the business name.
Glad you got the chance to vent. Better out than in. Stress can eat at you.
We all know it. Get that talk in today.
