Accepting that less is more? - Multiple Sclerosis Message Board

MSNik · 06-24-2008, 02:25 PM

Hi guys.. alot of you have been thru situations where you have had to accept your MS as being a limitation...can I ask- HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

As many of you know, Ive accepted that I cant keep doing the kind of work im doing much longer; except that I didnt get the job until 18 months ago, it is the biggest thing that ever happened to me professionally, and I got it based on my MBA, which I had to finish a month after finding out I had MS...the job wouldnt have come, without the education.

Now, im facing an interview on Thursday, for a part-time job, where my education isnt key to what Ill be doing...the money isnt bad, and the hours arent either- but the job is a dead end and I know it to be a fact..its a contractor position for only 1 year. My husband is freaking out on me screaming about how Im going backwards..he is really concerned about the paycut, which is going to be drastic...and he is reminding me every day that the school loans which I havent paid off yet, and going to kill us! Actually, my husband couldnt be any LESS supportive of me right now. Its killing me.

But I keep telling myself that with MS, we have limits...and that other people have learned to accept it- why cant I? I dont know how, thats for sure..so, Im asking any of you who have faced this- how do you prove your worth when you feel so entirely worthless?

Nikki

Filipinone · 06-24-2008, 02:50 PM

Nikki

You've been extremely supportive on this message board; it's time to get some support back.

After I told my supervisor that I had MS and was going to start taking the Avonex shots he had already had plans to terminate my employment. I was upset but figured I could get another job within a week.

4 months later with Unemployment helping me and landing a temp to hire job and my husband putting me on his health plan I was able to start the Avonex, I was feeling that I couldn't live up to the company's expectations.

I really think the Avonex helped me lose my self worth, but my former co-worker who also has MS called me. I told him my situation and within seconds I was in tears. It was almost like I could cry on call! But after I dried the tears he asked me who was able to do this and who completed the work that I did. YES, I DID IT.

He was able to put my head on straight in thinking I've been in my position for 10 years, and being diagnosed with MS 3 years ago won't take that away from me. You have the work experience that you have and can use it as your strength.

These issues are just additional hurdles that you can get over. You know your limitations but you can still be successful if you stay within those limitations.

Hang in there.

Lisa

april1848 · 06-24-2008, 03:46 PM

First of all, good luck with the interview! And of course you can keep looking when you get the job, if you're not happy there.

You know my story very well. I took a substantial "cut" in my status at my new job. I haven't had to answer to anyone but the CEO in seven years, and now I have three people above me. It is more of a challenge than I had originally thought. However, it has paid off big time as far as my health goes. I haven't felt this well in years, and the only constant symptom I have now is fatigue.

It was hard for me to accept my limitations at my last job, but even harder to accept other people's perception of my limitations--most of which I didn't have! This is something I still struggle with. If I run the vacuum, my legs turn to jelly, things like that. I know you know how hard it is to get a husband to suddenly start pitching in. I'm still in the process of learning and accepting my limitations, and I don't see an end soon!

When I feel worthless, and I do sometimes, I remind myself of what makes me unique and special, to myself, the creator, and to others. Your career should not define your sense of self-worth, not at all, and it took me quite a while to learn that too.

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that I deserve an award for doing all the stuff I do while having MS. I think that's true of everyone on this board. MS does not define us, but I know for me, it has made me stronger, and I've learned (and will continue to learn) more about myself than I ever thought I would. MS has made me a better person, in so many ways.

I think our mission in life is to be the very best we can be, with the mind and body that we were supplied with. We have MS, but we are not worthless at all, and we can do a lot of things. Even those who are wheelchair bound, with sight and speech issues, can think beautiful thoughts, give wonderful advice, contribute to the world, and leave this world a better place than how they found it.

As for you in particular, no matter what your husband or your sense of self-worth are telling you, you have lots of worth! Look at how many people you have helped on this board, including me. I think you were the first one to respond to me when I first posted, and I was ignorant and terrified. And what you do on this board is just a small facet of your life. You have lots of worth to me!

Don't think of taking a "lesser" job as taking a step backward. It's a step forward, for your health and happiness. Been there, done that. And you know what the good part is about "downgrading" a job, at least for me? Your new coworkers and bosses will be amazed and thrilled at your capabilities. I've been getting very positive comments from my new coworkers, and the higher-ups are now giving me projects, without even consulting my supervisor! This has been a huge boost to my self-confidence, which was severely lacking, and I know it will be for you too.

I like to think of myself lying on my death bed. What will I regret, what will I wish I would have done, what didn't matter at all? Ask yourself those questions, and you'll get some very good answers.

(Insert four letter word here) your limitations. Focus on all the awesome things you can do, and there are a lot! And please know that you are not worthless at all; there is a girl in Ohio who might not have made it through the beginnings of MS without you.

MSJayhawk · 06-24-2008, 04:04 PM

How much is enough? How much do we really need? How big does our home need to be? How many clothes does one need?

I faced questions, but my health and being there for my family surpassed the need of a nice salary. I shed many of my material things, relied on less money, moved away from the city, and eliminated 75% of my closet.....and I am blessed.

Perhaps you should lay out your situation like this: I can take disability and make the following each month or I can work part-time and make the following. A third choice is a loss of you and your income. If you work yourself to death, who benefits? No one benefits from your untimely demise.

Choices are difficult to make. You will likely have to get out a pencil and start budgeting carefully. Can you manage it? I am sure you can. As to future job prospects, if you are able, please look beyond your area. Is there a need for you to remain where you are? Can you find a good job in a lower cost of living area and move into a less expensive home? You will need to answer these questions.

I moved from a good salary and a nice home in LA to the sticks of our family farm. This is not my final move because we will move again so I can chaperone my youngest son to college in 2 years. Where will that be? Well, that depends on the university that offers him the best opportunity. The house? Four walls and a roof is more than millions around the world enjoy. Consider the many blessings you enjoy.

MSNik · 06-24-2008, 04:08 PM

April, your post made me cry..thank you for making me realize that I matter. Right now, Im having serious doubts about it...

As for what you actually wrote, I know that you are right. And, I have asked myself that very question about what I would be thinking on my death bed, the scary answer is that I find it hard to answer it...sometimes, I think Ill regret allowing myself to ever feel less than substantial in this world because I know I made an impression on many people...but other times I think that I have no regrets, that Ive accomplished more than I ever knew I could. I also wonder if Ive made the right choice in my marriage.. I love this man more than I ever thought was possible, and Im good to him..but now- when I need him the most, is he really good to me or is it my wishful thinking and feeling of desperation which are allowing me to let him into my head and make me feel bad about myself? He says he loves me- he does do nice things now and then- and he puts up with alot...but, he also makes me feel like Im not the person he married a few short years ago.

I do remember your first post, April..and Im so proud of you for coming so far...youre as good at giving advice as you are at taking it..you have been an inspiration to me throughout the past few months, and is it silly to say "I want to be just like you with regards to my job"? I do..I hope for the very best for both of us..but you inspire me to realize that cutting back ISNT going backwards!

Thank you for being my favorite mirror.

Lisa, I dont know you well, but you obviously know me! Thank you for your thoughts...unfortunately, there is no way that unemployment is going to come into this, my boss has never paid it before and keeps a laywer on retainer just to prevent it from ever happening...as for being able to continue to do my job- its not likely. Im driving almost 200 miles a day, and on some days more like 300 miles.. I see more than ten accounts in an 8 hour day- and take more than 100 complaints throughout the day..I then deal with all of them both in my car and on my commute home and into the next morning..its too much stress, too much driving, too much troubleshooting...my brain isnt functioning at optimal levels, my body isnt cooperating either..and truth be told, I work for one of the most awful people in the world. I need to put this chapter behind me and move on...but admitting that, is really hard. Its especially difficult because my husband is reminding me daily of what I promised him (while I was in school and before we got married) and he is using it to hurt me...that isnt love, and Im more disgusted and shocked then anything else right now....this, from a man who promises he loves me more than life?

But, I apprciate the sentiment behind what you wrote and appreciate that you think Im good for something (dishing out feedback!) that means more to me then you know..

Thank you BOTH
nikki