april1848

Hi Nikki. Excuse please the anticipated length, you know how I am. My opinion is that if you want to get your PhD, go for it. I also think that keeping our brains active will help keep our brains working--I don't know if this has been studied or proven, but I don't care. I believe it, and I practice it. You are a very intelligent woman! Even if you end up immobile, there are certainly things you'd be able to do with a PhD.

I have a friend, in her 50's, who is working towards her PhD. She can't afford it, and plans to take one class a semester for the rest of her life so she doesn't have to pay her school loans (she doesn't have to start paying back until she's "done" with school). I don't know if her plan will work, but she's determined to get that PhD, at whatever cost. She's happy too, glowing. Despite our age difference, we are extremely good friends--I love this woman like a sister, and I've never seen her so happy. I wouldn't give up on the idea of going for it, Nikki!

I also feel the need to prove things to my husband, and lately my father. MS does impact families. Last time I saw Dad he mentioned that a friend's wife had to go on disability for Fibro. He said "Fibromyalgia is the worst disease, you're lucky you don't have that." When my husband mentioned to Dad that sometimes I use a cane, Dad said that he didn't raise his daughters to be weak. I would love to prove so much to him, and I wish I could educate him, but he knows everything.

My marriage has thankfully improved--so far MS has been a huge test, and we are passing, finally, or we're beginning to. But my husband will still tell me NO sometimes. The good thing though is that when I do accomplish something, he tells me he's proud of me. Recently he told me that he's proud of me every minute of every day, and I believe him. This makes it easier for me to accept defeat, and to say yes, you're right, I can't do such and such. My pride and stubborness make that very hard.

Before I joined the presidential campaign I was working for, he said I couldn't do it. It only pushed me to work harder on it. Unfortunately he ended up being right, and I had to quit. But I'm still working on a local campaign. Also with my job, it would be perfectly fine to work a 40 hour week, and husband says that's enough. Still, I find myself working at least 45 hours a week just to prove that I can work more than that. It's not for money; I don't get paid for the extra hours!

You say you are happiest as a student--that is a profound statement. I understand; I'm happiest too when using my brain, especially learning. Nikki, that's not something easy or good for you to give up. If I gave it up, life would lose its charm. I'm not in a classroom; I have 1,500 books and I'm an amateur historian and anthropologist trying to write a book. Husband doesn't think I can do it, and I have doubts, but I won't give it up because life would be kind of dull, I'd feel unfulfilled. I'm sure you get that!

If you stayed in a marriage that is making you miserable, hearing "NO" all the time, what will that do to you? I totally understand the concepts of loyalty, of not wanting to give up on a committment, and of being dependent for things (like insurance or money) on someone, and it's a tough spot. Those things are important. But at what cost?

As far as the cost of going back to school, and I don't mean to belittle the financial aspect, but why not cross that bridge when you get to it? You may qualify for financial aid, for a lot of it, and it may not be so terrible. School loan debt is not necessarily bad debt. And what will the debt mean to you if you succeed in getting the degree? I bet it won't mean much to you. It took me five years to pay off the small amount of school debt I acquired, and it didn't matter to me. It was worth every penny, and every sacrifice.

And what to do with the degree, and there's the uncertainty of whether or not you'll be in a position to use it. Certainly these things deserve more thought, but the degree will also open up a lot of options for you. You could do something incredible and profitable online, for instance. It would be an enormous accomplishment, in my opinion, even if you didn't use it. We all know that there are some PhDs that are pretty worthless monetarily, but most are not.

I don't have answers for you, and this is complicated. I just have a very strong gut feeling that if being a student makes you happy, makes you The Real Nikki, that you should by all means do it. And don't forget that you already got a degree while getting sick and getting diagnosed. You may not be perfectly healthy, but this may be a goal that is worth a try. You obviously have a lot of strength (if not physical) in you, and I don't think that you finishing up and getting your PhD is unattainable. Actually, I think it's very likely, considering the person you are!

Sorry for the length and my bluntness. No matter what, don't think you can't vent here. I'm sorry that you sound so unhappy, and you know what can change that, but it's scary. For what it's worth, you have my support in whatever you decide to do.

__________________
April
dx 9/07
Avonex started 11/07,
Stopped 4/10 due to no insurance.