I don't even need any answers. I just need to vent 'out loud'.
I have had an incredibly stressful six months in work. I almost expected to relapse and kept thinking 'I need to be careful or I'll have a major relapse soon'.
But I didn't. The stressful work period ended last friday and I was exhausted. I thought, okay, now is my time to rest and recover and get back to normal (I was seriously fading at that point).
Then on Saturday, after my first full nights sleep in 6 months, I found a mouse in my flat. I am seriously phobic about mice and rodents and I had a major painic. I stayed with friends for the next few nights but never really slept thinking about that mouse. I haven't slept since.
Anyway, long story short, afte 6 months of crazy work, it's a friggin mouse that drives me over the edge! I've had new symptoms over the last few days. Including numb feet and complete numbness up to the knee in my bad leg.
Anyway, tonight is my first night back in my flat but I've realised that it's not the main thing I'm stressed about. I have an MRI on Friday. It's my first mri since dx (almost 2 years ago). I've been putting it off. I have been dealing with MS through diet and I'm worried that the MRI is going to find progression and so I will need to reconsider my treament and the use of drugs. So I will need to reconsider my whole dealing with MS. And since I'm having a flare up at the moment, I'm worried that the MRI will show a more active disease than I actually have.
Am I just being paronoid? Dealing with this through diet and supplements has been how I've dealt with it. And ir really has had very positive affects on my symptoms.
And I'm so annoyed that work has made me feel so bad but in the current climate, I'm lucky to have a job in an industry that I love and I can't leave easily.
Oh Cat~ how I feel for you. I knew you mentioned in another post your recent stress at work, but WOW. Your not kidding are you?? Hey, one of the things you said- I'm worried that the MRI will show a more active disease than I actually have. You need to rethink that line of thought. There is no way to have more activity just because you are having a bad week/ month or whatever. The disease activity doesnt go away or come and go on an MRI. If you are indeed having any sort of flare- its going to show on the MRI as white and active if you are having contrast- and if you HAVE had in the past any sort of flare- its going to show on the MRI as lesions....whatever has changed in the past two years is going to show. HOWEVER that doesnt mean that you necessarily will have to change your way of dealing with the MS. Diet and lifestyle are every bit as important and there are quite a few people here who choose to go that route instead of the Meds route- and you know that.
As for mice~ dont you have a cat?? or maybe you should consider getting one? As a last resort, i highly recommend renting Ratatouille - it will bring a whole new life to the words mouse and adorable! Really though, you know that the mouse is simply another stressor- you have to put it out of your head- its not doing you any good and sleep is what you need most. The mouse is more afraid of you. I promise!
But seriously, the MRI. ITs good that you went. Unfortunately, its scary. Ive had 5 good MRIs in a row and then I find out I have "black holes" that itself scared the heck out of me, but after really learning about them, I learned that those black holes are probably from ten year old lesions! Imagine having had MS for ten years and not knowing it! What my MRIs still havent shown is any new activity- or any new lesions...which is exactly what you are hoping for. Ive had symtoms, and what I thought were "mini flares" but still- nothing new on the MRI...so, there is hope and Im crossing my fingers for you. When will you get the results? And, please PLEASE post them!
Youll be in my thoughts, please, get some sleep! And, stay well. ok?
Thanks for your reply Nikki. Thanks for clearing up the MRI query. I was just worried that having a bad week would somehow skew what shows up. It's a relief to know that it won't and to understand it a bit better.
As you know I am a firm believer in diet and supplements. But I always said that I would reconsider drugs if I got worse (or my MRI show significant progression). This MRI will be crunch time and the first time I'll have to think about my treatment since dx.
I know that having it done is a good thing and today I feel much calmer about it. Thank you.
Hi Cat. I hope you get a full night's rest tonight! It sounds like you're under tons of stress and the mouse was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Worrying about new lesions on your brain (I have put off MRIs too) will do nothing to change them. It won't be productive in any way. I will pray that your MRI comes back with no new news and that you please get some rest! On Monday night I slept for 40 minutes(!!!) and I am still feeling the effects from it to the point where I had to leave work three hours early today. I have never NOT slept for that long on a workday, and I can't believe how terrible I feel, in every cell in my body. You realize how important rest is to MS when you don't get it.
As for mice, I have a cat who just "plays" with them until they break their necks or I rescue them. I've always been the mouse catcher of the household, ever since I was six. My mother also had a phobia about them, but they are cute, if they are occasional. I have snakes in the garden which help, but there's no snakes in Ireland!
Facing the idea of going on a med after not being on them is awful I imagine. I'm on Avonex and I reserve the right to change them, go off them, or go back on them as I please. Having that attitude has helped me adjust to the weekly shots that still make me sick. I hope that you don't need them and have continued success on your diet regime--this flare up won't last forever. You'll be in my thoughts!
Avonex started 11/07,
Stopped 4/10 due to no insurance.
I too worry about causing a relapse by not managing stress well enough when it imposes itself in the work place. This season has been challenging for me on many fronts - the typical stresses at work that I normally am able to manage well enough have inexplicably seemed larger this fall ... it seems I am not coping ... cry easily at the end of a challenging day ... fear everything ... tremors have become shakes in the evening ... the other day I was lost in a nearby city (I live and teach in small towns) due to an unexpected detour on my carefully mapped route to a workshop ... drove around for hours, unable to find the destination despite my careful planning ... finally dared to ask someone in a gas station for directions back toward the highway and home ... abandoned my destination ... very fearful all the way home ... asked my husband if he noticed a difference in the way I react to stress recently - he answered yes - called my doctor and asked if this could be ms relapsing ... he, the neurologist, thought it was not an ms relapse, but was cumulative stress, holiday season, death of my relative kiled in action overseas last month ... and said that, though I believe I'd put the stress of the ms diagnosis behind me, it is still there and these other stresses are piling on top of an already stressful reality ...
He's suggesting that I see a psychiatrist for an evaluation ... to determine whether counseling or meds would be indicated. I'm not sure about that ... but still wonder if this is a physical symptom of ms ... the doctor he recommended is not taking new patients, so I have time to think about whether to pursue this ... or to knuckle down and try to regain my former ability to cope ...
Wow - my apologies - I don't think I offered any ideas for you, but instead am pondering my own issues here ... sorry.
Sending prayers for you, and for us all.
"I can do no great things ... only small things, with great love."
~ Mother Teresa
Thanks for your responses. I had the mri today. It was only ten mins without contrast (my orig was 40 mins and with contrast). It was fine. I guess I have to trust my docotors.
I won't get to discuss the result until my next neurogology appointment at the end of feb. So it's a lot of waiting. But I feel better today. Even though my leg is still bad I have no extra numbness or symptoms.
So thanks to everyone who had me in their thoughts. I will keep you updated.