Hi ya Teacher. Im soooo very sorry to hear the state you are in. Its been awhile since we've heard from you and Id hoped that no news was good news. I see now, that you have had one heck of a hard time lately. Again, Im sorry.
I can only offer you my own experiences, which while not exactly the same, might help you to see a light at the end of this tunnel. I think you were around when I was posting alot about my marriage, my job and my education. Doing my MBA while juggling 3 kids, a husband who was sending me over the edge and all the problems that come with ex wives- all the while trying to get used to having been told I have MS (which doesnt exist in my life, since you cant see it according to my family) learning how to inject Rebif...you get the picture.
I turned to a psych as well. And, I turned to Xanax. And at one point Cymbalta...all anti anxiety and anti depression drugs...all of which I justified because they were also supposed to help the pain in my hands/fingers. I was also taking Ambien nightly....so basically I was a mess. Not one to take any drugs, I find myself taking drugs to stay alseep...drugs to be calm and not freak out during the day, anti depressents, which are supposed to help my pain and arent- but do have me scared to death of addiction. The same kind of battle...and like you, I turned to my PCP for these things, when my Psychiatrist told me the answer to my problems was to leave my husband. (he might have had something there, but to this day, I still value my marriage and am still fighting to make it better) MY Neuro also knows my PCP and likes him, so that makes things alittle easier....they have a trust factor in each other. BUT the bottom line is that right now,
you have to trust someone. And, if your PCP is the one and you feel he knows you and understands you, then TRUST HIM. Make sure you are only taking the dosage he wants you to take...talk to him in a month about if it should be decreased or increased....read up on the drugs so you know where you stand with normal dosaging...be informed. I know you can do that.
The crisis's you have had to deal with have all been out of your control- the issues in the world from the war to the economy, to the price of apples to the salaries of young teachers....its all VERY REAL and yet, there is very little you can do to change it. Being informed, understanding and being able to have a serious discussion about any of this shows that your mind is clear and sharp and that you feel the pain of those suffering due to these things shows compassion and sensitivity. Pens, you have more of these things then most "healthy" people I know! Being of above intelligence to begin with , your having a hard time "not doing anytyhing about this"...but you need to take that energy and do something positive with it. Perhaps organizing a fund raiser for our overseas soldiers, or gathering up care packages- do you have a church family? Or know someone who does, who might want to get involved? How about any organization which you have passion for? How about reading story time to young kids at the local library ?Anytime I give back to society, it reminds me that Im still useful and have something to offer. Heck, when I find someone to walk around my complex with, I call it a party. IF no one is out walking, then I make up excuses to stay in, too. I always find someone to walk and talk with..and almost always its about trivial stuff which just happens to matter to someone. And sometimes listening to others really helps you take your mind off of your own issues. My newest job is with Hospice...someday we will open that up to discussion..but there is nothing harder then being in this field (and ive covered all medical aspects of administration and marketing) to make you grateful for what you have. You have to always know there are people in worse shape then you and not worry about what MIGHT happen. Live in the now. Be in the now. Its important to understand that.
Couple of things you wrote, which Id like to touch on is your fear of dependency of the drugs you are currently on. You cant fear them and you cant get addicited to them, if you use them and aware of how they make you feel- what they do for you. When you start realizing that you dont need them every day, you start taking them every other day, or cut down the mgs you are taking (always with the blessing of the prescribing doctor of course).
When you start to do things which are out of your normal comfort range- new people, new clubs, new organizations, new cooking class, book club, sewing circle, heck new exercise routine- youll start to feel better faster. Its amazing what exercise and outside interests can do for your body! As a teacher, Im quite sure you have TONS to give back to the community...can you teach seniors? I have a zillion senior centers which would love to learn a new skill or refresh an old one. How about Girlscouts?? They always need guest speakers to talk about things...community colleges look for both parttime paid and volunteers to show prospective students around and get them into the admission office- or even take a class at the community college just for fun. IM thinking of taking advanced Spanish next fall- just because my spanish skills are weak and I could use the help with my job of being more bilingual. I also volunteer a few weeks each semester at the community colleg being an adult student advocate. Do you know how many women walk thru those doors wanting to go back to school, having been out of school for 30+ years and not having a clue where to start? IM not a counselor. But I am someone who went back and got my associates, then my bachelors and then my MBA in 6 years- all at night or online- while working fulltime. So many women want this and are afraid to do it. When they see US, the ones who accomlished it, they know they can do it too....I do quite a few tours of people in my age group (the over 40 age group) and successfully get people into both degreed, and non degreed courses! Then, if Im feeling really confident, I tell them my story, of how I did all this the same year I found out I had MS....that blows their minds!
Do not be afraid of the drugs. Only be aware of them. If they help- let them help. Whats the worst thing that could happen? They stop helping? They make you feel better? Like anything, nothing lasts forever....at some point, theyll want to try you on another drug...or at some point, your "issue" will be stronger and you will attempt to handle it med free. These drugs are not for diseases, but for symptoms...and symtoms do come and go, right? This isnt forever. For the record. I stopped taking m Xanax 99% of the time, only taking one when I am so stressed out Im afraid ill say or be inappropriate. And I take maybe 1 or 2 Ambiens a week, when my mind is spinnning and sleep isnt possilbe. I never take the antidepressents because for me that wasnt realy the issue. I wasnt depressed, or even scared...but I was anxious..and I think that anxiety starts to slow down, and dwindle down, when you stop thinking about it 24-7..which brings me back to full circle. What do you do for you to stop your mind from worying and thinking about all this? Are you a nice walk in the woods girl ?? A jog on the beach chic?? A great mystery in bed with lots of pillows and a bowl of popcorn? How about a naked weekend with your husband?
Mu point is, you have to allow yourself to really have fun for a few days. And, you dont have to leave the house to do it. Invite other couples or girlfriends over for dinner- or a movie night...chic flicks anyone? GEt a group together to go try a new restuarant. Heck- go by yourself and tell them your a food critiic. Maybe youll have the best dinner of your life! Want the hardest core lesson? Go to a acute Nursing Center and volunteer for 3 hours. Go see some of the most truamuatic brain injury cases, the hghest acuity cases you can find-people with end stage CHF or end stage liver cancer- speak with their loved ones, the care givers, even the nurses. Youll find out how lucky we are! If that is too much for you, go the other direction, ask to volunteer a few hours with children. Healthy children, kids who will represent our future...teach them a song- practice their reading- talk about world events, kiddie style- help them make a fathers day present for dad, or a summer project for mom's fall blooms...anything you can do to take your mind off the "what ifs" will work.
seriously, MS comes and goes..and if you arent having any debilitating symtoms such as weakness, shortness of breath, if you are still eating normally, an your blood levels are fine (you are having them checked, arent you?) if you havent developed any new lesions- then the MS drug is working for you. Then, trying some psych drugs isnt the end of the world, and pleeease yes, give them 60 days to see how they work for you. Remember, you dont want to stop any of those drugs cold turkey, so always talk to your doc or at least relay messages to his nurse so that they know how you are feeling. Its okay to say I dont like the way this drug is making me feel....just like its okay to say This drug isnt working. Taking more of it might be the answer....changing the first one might make all the difference...communication here is abao****ely key.
Your last line, I am not who I want to be and not who I used to be- hits me very strongly. I feel that way all the time. I was a model. Really. I did national campaigns for both national and international products. I was on billboards. I made my living in 6 inch heels and teeny tiny outfits....now, I cant walk in those shoes, balance issues galore...and those tiny suits show my big red circles from my injections. Im also ten years older and a helll of allot smarter. So somewhere in there I had to take what I had- besides a good body and pretty face, and apply to it to what I wanted to do which was market and sell. I started 11 years ago in marketing in a pharmaceutical company and from there it exploded.
I never would have guessed Id be one of those people who is ultra dependent on the system staying intact so that I have something to retire on....or that Id be considered for clinical trials.
I advocate for the handicapped and disabled- I go out of my way to be the very best hospice advocate that I can be- because life is a journey...and we dont get to decide where that journey takes us. YOU and I have MS. SOOO???? We are going to take our shots, and any other drugs which help simplify our lives and ease our pains and frustrations until we find another way to handle them. You will wake up tomorrow morning and you will teach someone something- and your day will be complete. We are not sufferng the way many in this world are suffering, and although its quite alright to have a mini pity party and cry out your fears and scream about how unjustified this world is- that can even be healthy to do- you cant get caught up in the "why me" syndrome. It is what it is, an its more then likely going to stay the same for a very long time. The good news is all the fasttracked drugs they are bringing out, which should have some serious answer by 2010....we can only hope and pray that one or more of them will be the answers we seek.
Pens, Ive always admired you for your strength and wisdom. So right now you dont like yourself...but Ill bet you still like parts of yourself.Time to identify what parts you do like, and can capitalize on...and the parts you dont like, consider them black holes and shove them thru!
Its very possible that you are just so mentally exhausted from all you have had to deal with and think about these past few months that your brain needs a vacation! Take the drugs-either they help, or they dont work- but you hvae nothing to lose by tryng. Give them 60 days, and have communication with your PCP and Neuro about how they are making you feel....the two docs should work together to some extent to grant you blessings on your cocktail! Youlll know how you feel- and you are capable of expressing this.....trust yourself honey. Now , more then ever, remember you are not alone and you can trust yourself.
Im starting to really ramble, sorry about that. Ill shut up now, but not before I say yet again tonight "you are not alone" and we care very much....please let us know how you are.
hugs
Nikki
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