Lately I have been really depressed about my weight and other stuff. Seriously depressed. It got to the point that I actually begged my psychiatrist to increase my anti-depressants. He did, but it isn't working. I've got to go back and get even more.
I had been doing well on my diet, and have lost about 50 pounds in the past year or so. But I don't see the results when I look in the mirror. I still want to lose at least another 50. But my life has really, seriously sucked lately, for reasons unrelated to my weight. To make a long story short, I am 25 and still live with my parents because I can't support myself substitute teaching. I am too embarrassed about my body to even consider dating right now. I have tried and tried and tried to get a full time job but it never works out. I am terribly depressed about that. Some mornings I just don't want to get out of bed. Then when I do, I look in the mirror and see this obese person that I can't live with anymore. Then I just want to go back to bed and hide because I feel hideous. I don't want to face the world. But I am so fed up, I don't want to diet anymore. I want to just eat what I want and be happy. So then I do, and I feel terrible about it and I realize I have put weight back on and then all I can do is cry.
In addition, my health has never been good anyway and I don't need the extra weight. I have Multiple Sclerosis, and it is really difficult for me to exercise. I get very tired very easily, and I just don't want to do it. So now, the steroids I have taken for my MS have destroyed my shoulder and I need surgery. When I think about it, all I can think is that they aren't going to be able to lift me from the operating table to the stretcher after the surgery. I am so depressed that I need surgery. I don't want it, but I am in agony 24/7 so I have to do it.
When I get upset, all I want to do is hide in my bedroom and eat. I am trying to go for therapy but every appointment I make winds up having to be canceled for some reason or another beyond my control. (Like the therapist is going on vacation, or I get called to work that day). So I just want to eat. I feel so out of control. I am trying to stick to Jenny Craig, and I have all the food. But I don't live alone. I have no control over what food other people bring into this house. I haven't let them weigh me in a few weeks at Jenny Craig because I am afraid of what the scale will show. I know I have gained some weight back, but if I see it on the scale I will probably just sit down and start hysterically crying right there. I know, you'll say I have control over what I put in my mouth but I feel like I don't. Even though my entire family is overweight and constantly trying to lose, they are NOT helping. My mom goes food shopping and brings in not one, but FOUR different kinds of ice cream. Low fat ice cream, but still not what I need to see when I open the freezer to get my Jenny Craig stuff. And they know I love ie cream (it has always been my favorite food, above all). I have begged and begged for them to at least bring in a flavor I don't like (never was a fan of chocolate). I love Vanilla, especially cookies and cream. So what do they buy? But it is light ice cream. So they think it is OK for fudgsicles and ice cream sandwiches and two gallons of ice cream to stare me in the face every time I open the freezer. Because it is all light or low fat. They tell me that if they want ice cream they should be allowed to have it. Right. I can't control what they eat. But they need FOUR different kinds????? ONE is ENOUGH!!!! I'll ask for a box of reduced fat wheat thins. My mom will buy 6 boxes, because they are on sale. Or I'll mention that I like chocolate milk. She'll buy 3 gallons and freeze them. (we have an extra freezer downstairs in the basement). Our extra bedroom has become a pantry where she stores a dozen bottles of salad dressing, and countless jars of condiments and other stuff. Overindulgence has been a theme my whole life. I am trying to break the cycle and they won't let me do it. On one hand they are very encouraging and tell me I look great and keep up the good work, but on the other hand they are buying all of the foods that I can't resist, and then telling me I shouldn't be eating them. I get yelled at when I eat something other than my Jenny Craig food (well, it is more of a condescending.... "should you be eating that?") So I get more depressed and go in my room and cry, and eat more. Then I feel like a real piece of garbage because I have just eaten something I know I shouldn't, so I try to comfort myself and I just wind up looking for something else to eat. And then I cry and cry and cry. `
I am soooooo depressed because I just want to get out of this house and away from this food, but my job situation sucks and there is nothing else I can do until the public schools start hiring for the 2007 school year. I even got a part time tutoring job to help pay for some things but that doesn't even make a dent.
The other problem is that lately, I am physically very very hungry all the time. My stomach growls constantly.
I just don't want to deal with it anymore. People say that drugs like Heroin and Cocaine are addictive. Yeah but at least if you try to quit those, it is possible to stop cold turkey. Food is the worst drug of all, because you can never just stop eating.
Everyone asks me how much weight I have lost, and I tell them 50 pounds. They tell me "well that is what you said 2 months ago. How much have you lost now?" I am so totally embarassed to tell them that I haven't lost anymore, and I have gained about 10 pounds back that I just don't even want to tell anyone anything anymore. It would be easier for me if nobody knew I was even trying to lose weight. People tell me how great I look and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide and cry.
Last edited by purple2067; 10-30-2006 at 09:11 PM.
I'm not going to tell you that you have control over what goes into your mouth. Food is addictive and you're right, you can't just quit eating. First of all, why don't you keep your Jenny Craig dinners in the basement freezer? At least then you wouldn't have to face the ice cream. I'm also a big believer in 'it's not what you eat, it's how much you eat' theory. I remember sitting in my room and crying because my husband was frying bacon and it smelled sooooo good but I was going to Diet Center at the time and bacon was a no-no. Looking back I can't believe I didn't just go in to the kitchen and get a bite of bacon and then go for a walk. Why did I let myself get so upset? If you crave ice cream why can't you have a scoop? You said it's low fat, right? Have one scoop, eat it slowly so you can enjoy it, and then go for a walk and burn it off. Trust me, it's better than sitting and crying. Denying yourself of your favorite foods will set you up for failure. Moderation is the key.
Of course, I'm obese and having surgery for it so you may want other opinions too. I lost 40 lbs. at Diet Center and now weigh 60 lbs. more than when I started there.
I almost forgot- I went to my doctor several years ago about my weight. He said I was depressed and that was why I would over eat. He put me on antidepressants. I continued to gain weight. The pills just made me not care about how big I was getting. Sure, it's ok for a little while, until one day you look in the mirror and go .
More pills won't solve your weight problem. If they do- let us know what kind they are so we can get some.
First thing, dont diet, diets are evil. Try and eat sensibly. if your going to eat alot then try and eat vegetables, stay away from sugar, chocolate.
I was 19st, now about 17st after a year of hell at the gym.
Dont worry about what you look like, remember losing weight is a marathon. takes along time.
hope you do well in 2007 and cheer up, remember your not alone, treat yourself to some nice clothes, mix with people who you like and who will give you encouragement.
When I was in elementary school, I was kind of chubby. I wanted to change that for HS and the rest of my life, and I did. When I think back to it, I am really proud of what a 13/14yr old was able to logically figure out and go on to reach that goal. (when so many adults cant)
The biggest question I asked myself is, why am I eating things that are making me feel bad? I mean, I would eat cake far too often, some type of junk food, and you feel awful after. You dont feel good. I am not talking about guilt, though there is that too, I am simply reffering to feeling bloated, heart burn type feelings, just indications that my system was not clear/pure. And that is how I started with things.
For me, at first, I would take pride in a day that went by where I felt good. I drank loads of water, I ate healthier foods, and cut out the junk. I FELT good. I felt that was a huge step in everything, and it really was. I thought to myself, a person that feels good daily, a person that feels that their system is clear, is a person that is healthy, and I knew I was begin to make myself feel like a healthy person just by those choices.
I knew if I really wanted changes though, I would also have to excercise. So, I started that as well. I had my concerns though, while I was excited about excercising, I had my doubts if I would keep that up. I had the will, but the thing about will is that sometimes you have it, and sometimes you dont, so what if you dont that day? So I knew there was thigns I had to do to keep this interesting. My biggest two concerns were a) will I be able to do it? (since I'm not in shape) and b) will it just get boring and I'll end up stopping? So, my next goal became making sure those things did not happen. I knew that if I can figure those things out, I would continue to do it.
In terms of a), I realized that I had to set realistic goals. If I started off with too much, I would kill my confidence and I would not want to continue. So, I had a bike and that is what I wanted to use to start off. The first day, I did not set how much I wanted to ride it. Instead, I went to a point that I felt comfortable enough, but at the same time, it posed some challenge. That opening day gave me a great indication on how I should set my goals. Now, I couldn't do a lot for the first few days, but the improvements were noticeable a week or so in. (and as it went on obviously) But, it never got me down that I couldn't do a lot. Because, think about it, if you want to get to a point where you can ride the bike an hour, it doesn't happen just magically..you have to build up, and that building up is something you should take pride in, because that is in essence what it is about. You are becoming a fit person, you are getting in shape, you are become a healthy, athletic, strong person. You are adding on seconds to your life every day, every second you continue to ride the bike is an extra positive point for your outlook. If you ride the bike 5 minutes, that is 5 more minutes then before, and you are already a healthier person as a result.
In terms of b) I knew that this had to become some sort of "show". It had to be interesting. This would be the TV show about the person that changed their life forever, someone who transformed their life. I wanted this kind of "recorded". So I honestly sat down and thought, what do I need to do to make this interesting? I dont want to dread the excercising, I want to make it fun. First, I considered the different type of excercises I can do. So basically, I decided to do it 6 days a week, and I basically came up with 3 different routines. So, day 1, day 2 and day 3 would be different. I would do it for the same amount of time (usually an hour) but it would be different. So I did not ride my bike everyday, another day I would do dancing, yoga type excercises.(I made routiens) I would add things to the dancing to give myself a break, so I would do pushups, situps, some type of stretches, and then continue with the dancing/yoga. I also had to incorporate one of my favourite things, and that is music. I made a great playlist of my favourite music, made sure it was about an hour, and I would have music for the whole hour. I was not just excercising, I was listening to music, and the music really pumped me up. I am also a person that as a kid always loved to pretend to host things, that I had my own shows (I was kind of geeky that way) and as a result, I pretended to have a health related show...so I would read things on the net, and then I would talk out loud like I was telling it to the audience..this once again made it fun for me..I was learning about different rountines to do, and all the stuff, but I liked it because I love the idea of having my own show. So even when I would start the excercising, I would pretend to be an expert on what you need to do to get healthy, and it gave it another perspective. So, really, these three things made sure that I would not be bored. I was having fun, and for one hour, I did not feel I was missing out on something. I had great fun in that hour, and after you just feel so awesome.
So, to anyone that is looking to lose weight, I say, there is no reason you cant do it. All you have to do is realize that everything you do is helping you out. You aren't going to lose 100pounds by tomorrow, but start feeling good about the simple things and build on it. Look, you have nothing to lose. Anything you do different from how you are doing now will only help.
And as the poster above mentioned, diets are evil. You dont have to diet. You dont even have to cut out the foods you love, however, its about portions. Its about having that small piece of cake, and then realizing if you had that cake you will have to cut away from something else. Its all about logic. Its all about how many calories you take in and how many you burn. So staying a certain weight is very logical. You can eat loads of cake, as long as you dont eat anything else you probably dont gain weight, but I wouldn't promote that since you will feel horrible and it is not healthy. Its all about logic in terms of our a) choices of foods b) the portion size c) and calorie intake vs burn.
I cannot relate to your problem so my suggestions may be stupid, but I hope they at least come across as compassionate. What if you ate foods that are slow releasing and keep you full for ages then you won't feel hungry.