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Old 09-27-2007, 01:16 PM   #1
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My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Hi, my name is Stephanie, I weigh in at 294 pounds and i am currently 24 weeks pregnant. I am having a problem with my boss making rude comments about my weight and with my hormones going crazy do to the pregnancy it has really started to upset me to the point where I go home at night and cry. I always know when she is about to say something about my weight because she starts he sentence off with, no offense, or not trying to be rude, or something along those lines. The other day she asked me if I was able to feel my baby move around yet and I told her I felt it from the insie but not the out, she says, no offense but you probably won't feel it on the outside and neither will your husband becuase you are so over weight. I just said yeah, did a little laugh and moved on. I know that the comment she made was probably true but I did not see why it had to be said. ( plus I now feel the baby and so does my husband) My problem is I can't really tell anyone to get the comments to stop. I work in a small company and it would not take long before she found out it was me who complained. So what do I do. Do I put up with, and let it eat at me everyday and just destroy my self worth like it has so far. I don't think I can do that. Plus my husband is getting very upset that I come home at night and cry, he just does not know what to say to make me feel better. He tells me to say something but I can't, I feel if I do I will get treated even worse than I already do. Do any of you have any advise or have any of you had this problem. Thanks for reading my post and for any replys I get.

Stephanie

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:45 PM   #2
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Do you work for a corporation? If so, they should have a number where you can contact people above her and leave an annonymous (spell check!) complaint.

If not, then I think the best thing for you to do is call her out on it, confront her. I know that will take alot b/c I'm guessing you're not one to speak up, seeing as how you've let it slide so far, and understandably.. she is your boss after all. But her comments are completely inapropriate and some might even say abusive. You should either step inside her office one day and tell her that her comments are offensive, and rude, and they hurt your feelings and that you'd very much like for her to keep her thoughts to herself. Or.. the next time she says something and starts off with her usual " no offense.. " you should either cut her off and say "if you have to start a sentence that way, then you shouldn't finish it." She'd probably be stunned that you stood up for youself, and pointed out how inconsiderate she is. The 3rd option would be to write her an e-mail telling her all of this.

She cannot fire you for this. She is the one doing wrong. If she started treating you worse after standing up for yourself, then it just gives you more incentitive to leave. I know its nto that easy, to just quit a job, and find a new one.. but you really shouldn't be dealing with that, especially from someone who should know better. How far along did you say you were? (congrats by the way) when do you go on maturnity leave? Maybe you should also take that time to look for a new job...

 
Old 09-27-2007, 02:08 PM   #3
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

file a complaint with human resources......

 
Old 09-27-2007, 02:12 PM   #4
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Hey Jen thank you so much for your response. Its nice to know that I am not just being crazy. Today I was eating some strawberries and she said , your eating again. I'm thinking, first off Im pregnant, I have to eat and second it is strawberries, its not like I am eating a box of fudge bars.

I was thinking about waiting until my review, I have one coming up in November and saying something then. I go on mat. leave in Jan so if things don't get better by then I might just have to look for another job.

Thanks again for your response

Stephanie

 
Old 09-27-2007, 02:38 PM   #5
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Our company is so small that we do not have an HR department. There is 43 people that work here. My boss is a vice president so the next person to conplain to would be the president and he likes her alot, so I don't see anything being done about it. Plus I have only been here for less than a year, so if they had to choose, I am sure it would not be me. It feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 
Old 09-27-2007, 11:32 PM   #6
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Sillygirl554,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Some people enjoy making others uncomfortable. And some people are in a position of power and think that they can get away with it. As long as you don't call her on it, she will continue to believe that she can get away with making these comments.

You can (probably) make her stop making such comments. What you can't do is guarantee what she'll do when you make it clear that you won't accept those comments. If she is merely picking on you because she sees you as a weak person, then she may go looking for someone else to pick on when you stand up for yourself. If she is on a real power trip, she may make your life miserable (more miserable than it already is) until she finds some way to get rid of you.

You can't control other people. You can only make changes in yourself. I suggest two possibilities for you:

(1) You stand up to your boss and make it clear that her comments will not be tolerated and you deserve to be treated with respect. This will either get her off your back or will cause her to find a way to fire you. You cannot control her actions, and you must be willing to take the consequences. There are lots of other jobs out there and many of them have nice bosses who are not on power trips.

(2) You learn some techniques for letting the comments "roll off your back" so to speak. You may need to get some help in practicing how to do this (counseling for self-confidence or something like that). There will always be people in the world who like to make other people uncomfortable. This woman will not be the last person who tries this on you. By learning to accept that there are #*&# people in the world that you cannot control, you will learn to make yourself stronger. Please keep in mind that you are the same wonderful person whether someone praises you or says unkind things to you.

Now while you are pregnant, it would be wonderful if you did not have to deal with this. But this is life.

One thing you might want to think about is how your husband would respond in such a situation. Men in general tend to stand up to people who crap on them. They don't take such behavior from other people. And they don't take it personally. Most men don't disolve into tears when someone doesn't like them or when someone says something unkind to them. We women are trained to think that how other people view us is how we measure our worth. It has taken me a lot of years (and a fair amount of time in therapy) to unlearn this. Of course I want people to think that I'm the best thing that ever walked into their lives. But not everyone thinks that. And I know that if my boss cannot be made to understand that I deserve better treatment, then I know that I can bide my time and look for another job. In the meantime I can go home and draw rude pictures of her and amuse my friends by acting out how awful she is. This gives me power. And this is what you have to learn.

I feel for you. I've been there. Just keep in mind that your boss is picking on you not because you are heavy. She's picking on you because she is a bully.

Thank you for writing in. Let us know how it goes.

--Rheanna

 
Old 09-28-2007, 06:11 PM   #7
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

I know this is hard, you sound a LOT like me.

Tell your boss how this makes you feel. Let her know that, yes you understand that you do have a weight problem - but it's something that you are working on (or plan to after the baby).

When she says things like that, they may sound natural to her (people may say things that may sound helpful to them, but be completely offensive to another) - but to you, it's hurtful.

If she laughs you off- then you have every right to go and complain.

I have brought things up to my own boss before (and believe me, I was scared as hell), and you know what she said? She admired me for the courage to tell her so.

 
Old 09-29-2007, 01:35 PM   #8
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Hmmmmm, sounds like there's a boss who needs a batch of "Ex-lax chip cookies!" (Just KIDDING!)

What a mean person she is! I think your plan of waiting for the review sounds pretty good. In the meantime, you may wish to keep a diary of each offensive thing she says. Record the date/time/statement.

Congrats on the baby!

 
Old 09-29-2007, 02:55 PM   #9
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Everything I want to say has beenr said. I just want to add that your boss is an idiot to say things that are hurtful to her employees. Smart bosses try their best to to get a long with everyone. She is rude, inconsiderate, and immature and probaby insecure too. Tell her your weight is non of her business and it does not affect your work performance. Good luck on your pregnancy.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 01:48 PM   #10
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

I was abused many times at work. Believe me complain especially over her head is the worst thing which you can do. It will backfire you big time. Instead of one enemy you will have more.
Your only option is to talk to this person without witnesses as hard as it is. Tell her that you are pregnant right now and her remarks upsets you and can hurt you unborn baby. If necessary do it more than once. If nothing helps or there is no way not to work with somebody else inside the company, you have to look somewhere.
I strongly advice you not to complain, otherwise they make sure to hurt you as much as humanly possible and there are tons of ways to do it. HR will not stay between you and the boss. It will certainly made things worse, I won't wish my enemy learn it the way I've learned it,

 
Old 10-01-2007, 01:56 PM   #11
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Speak to an attorney who is familiar with employee rights.

I would first suggest, however, that you speak to your HR rep at your company. Make sure they take down your complaint in writing and ask for a copy. If nothing changes or you don't have an HR Dept. or have no one to turn to, get an attorney on the phone.

Last edited by Mainegirl; 10-01-2007 at 01:59 PM.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 05:08 PM   #12
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

I'd really suggest you to give this manager a try. Tell her with no witnesses that you don't like that kind of jokes. May be she is just stupid and doesn't understand it. It may do the trick. It is much better for you than going complaining route.
My worse experience in life happened at the job when I've complained and after. I am sick for 15 years after that happened. One person said,"If you want them to live by there standards they make you live by yours". You can't expect any breaks, other workers who comfi under this manager will hurt you and set you up, she can easily present that you are doing a bad job and you name it. I remember there were people who told me to solve it with her and who told me to complain. I chose a wrong route and it was never way back.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 08:36 PM   #13
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Sillygirl, first of all you do not have to justify your weight issue with your boss the same one that is making rude remarks, she is suppose to be setting examples for you not making one out of you, this is definately unacceptable behavior it is verbal abuse period, this boss is on a sick power trip and needs to be kicked down quite a few notches, it sounds like this company doesnt play by the legal rules and could end up in a courtroom if they arent careful and they could thank the idiot they put in charge for their short commings, I would not let this woman do this to you and get away with it, i would buy a small pocket recorder (voice activated) and let her keep digging her hole. than file a lawsuit for verbal abuse, because no employer has the right to treat an employee like this. Be strong, you can do it. we are all here for you.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 09:37 PM   #14
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Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

Congratulations on your new baby! This should be such a happy time for you & I'm sorry you're going through this!
For the sake of your health as well as your unborn child's, do not wait until November to take care of this. You've got the trigger for when she's about to insult you, use it. The next time she starts her sentence with, "Not to be rude." Just simply say, "Then don't be." & turn & walk away. If she says, "I probably shouldn't be saying this but.." cut her off & say, "If you're thinking that then no, you probably shouldn't.," again, walk away. If you're sitting on break having a bowl of fruit or sitting at a desk you can still try these without feeling like you're being disrespectful, rude or aggressive. You don't have to say these in a haughty manner, just say them sincerely, with sad puppy dog eyes. Also, number #8's suggestion of writing things that she says down, times & dates, as well as how they made you feel, is a great idea. Paper trails are always good to have if push comes to shove! Good luck to you!

 
Old 10-15-2007, 08:11 PM   #15
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Smile Re: My boss makes rude comments about my weight, what do I do about it?

<removed> one day I was waiting to go in to court <removed> and I was drinking a can of cola , she turned to me and said .."is than on your diet ?"(in avery snide voice.. this woman really needed some social skills training ) , I smiled and gobbled down my pop and said "i'm not on a diet , why would you think that I would be on one?"..now she looked horribly uncomfortable and said "doesn't your husband mind your size?".. again I looked at her and said very truthufully "my husband loves my curves and tends to sabbatoge every diet i've ever gone on by buying me pizzas and baking me homemade bread , so why would I bother.. he doesn't like bony women .." and she never brought the subject up again . People can only humiliate you if you let them , sometimes it helps to turn the tables on them ands make them relize that you are very happy with the size you are and yoru spoose is even happer with you just the way you are . Boss or no Boss she doesn't have the right to treat you like she has been !!! She sounds like a boss from hell..is she possibly one of those eternally single skinny girls that is very jealous of all other girls that are in happy relationships ?? Enjoy your pregnancy and you WILL feel the baby kick onthe outside ,just give it sometime

Last edited by mod-anon; 10-22-2007 at 03:37 AM. Reason: peer sharing only

 
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