miss_understood

The subject of this post is right to the root of my troubles. I am so overweight and I soon fear of dying. I hope none of you think any less of me when you read my post, and I hope someone out there can help me in some way.
First I should tell you that I am 18 years old and almost 300 pounds. While I may be very obese, I tend to think that I do not look it as much. Of course people notice that I am heavy, but standing 5'10 (almost 5'11) makes up for a lot of my weight.

I am very social and have many friends, so it isn't a big deal to me, but sometimes I get so frustrated.

I fear of meeting people because they'll take one look at me and run the other way (hey, it happened before). I can't wear the clothes I want to wear. I always wear big jackets and pull-overs to hide my weight. It is really hard sometimes. I do not blame anyone but myself, but I wish that I could make myself into what I want to be.

My typical day: (I'm going to be very honest with what I eat. I won't lie and make it seem 'not so bad.')

No breakfast. I do not have time to sit down for 5 minutes and eat. My mom does not buy things that I could grab and take out the door.

Lunch is my problem. I usually have cafeteria food (I'm a senior in high school). They serve everything from pizzas to hamburgers to tacos, etc. I'll eat lunch, and I'll buy candy, too. Maybe a bag of chocolate candy and some potato chips.

I come home from school and usually make a sandwich or two and have potato chips with it. I usually drink cokes and juices.

My mom will make dinner, and having eaten what I did when I came home, I still have second helpings.

I always eat before I go to bed. It's like a bad habit. Usually a sandwich or popcorn or something snack-like.

As much as I try to get into the habit of eating better, I can't. I eat apples and bananas and sometimes I get into a good mood of eating healthy by snacking out on fresh fruit and water, but it doesn't last long.

I try to diet. I've tried it all. I just can't resist food.

The past couple of weeks I've been trying to cut back, but I think I cut back so much that I come home and pig out and say 'tommorrow is another day.' After I do this, I feel so shameful and guilty. Then I eat more to cover my guilt.

It does not help to be this fat when you have a mom and a sister who constantly remind you. I've been called a "fat ***" by both of them. They do not know how much it hurts me, and they do it a lot because I usually laugh it off. It doesn't help telling them it hurts my feelings because they'd tell me to do something about it. My sister (who is 22 years old) is real skinny, too, so I suppose she has the right to make me feel bad about myself.

I just look at myself sometimes and I cry. If I could be thinner, maybe even just 50 pounds, I could be a little bit happier about myself.

I want to be in sports and have boyfriends, but my weight prevents it from happening.

I just do not know what to do anymore. I am not going to a doctor. I don't want on any pills or have to do any surgeries. I got myself into it, I want to get myself out. I just do not know how. My life is a struggle, and if I don't help myself soon, my life will end.