I'm almost too weak and tired to write this... - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

The_Cheese_Man · 02-03-2004, 07:27 PM

Hello

I have Turette's Syndrome, OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Hypochondria and a few more of these insidious disorders. I constantly obscess over disturbing things I see on the internet and on the news. It could be a documentary on animal abuse or a medical film where some guy is getting a vasectomy and after I watch it I will obscess over this for weeks until I am just about crazy in the head - and emotionally EXHAUSTED!!. I'll even go into this trance-like state sometimes where I'm the guy having the vasectomy and I can actually "feel" the pain, see the blood and gore and the adrenelin starts surging through my body, my heart starts pounding and I begin hyperventilating. I'll go through this several times a day and it is terribly stressful.

I also have this whole big "guilt" thing where no matter what I do, God will punish me for not getting it "just right" or I'll feel like I have to be Mr.Perfect or risk God's wrath. This is also very stressful because no matter how hard I try, I am only human and it is impossible for me to get everything "just right" and so shortly afterwards if something bad happens, I'll automatically attribute it to my "punishment" from God. I swear sometimes I feel like I'm living in a religious straitjacket.

The other thing is that I am a hypochondriac and chronic worrier. I might have a simple doctor's appointment to have my testicles examined or something but instead of just accepting it and relaxing, all kinds of horrible "what if's" begin to creep into my mind like...

* Will he be gentle with my balls?
* Will he squeeze them and make them hurt?
* Will one of his nails ***** my balls?
* Will he yank on them?
* Will he want to castrate me???
* What if I have cancer?
* What if he wants to give me a shot in one of them?
* Will we have a car wreck on the way there?
* What if I get there and he's closed?
* What if I forget to ask him (insert questions here)?
* What if I get horrible news after the examination?

It goes on and on and the questions never stop playing like a broken record in my mind until I work myself up silly.

I also have this sick and twisted obscession with looking at pictures of mutilations. I won't go into detail here because it's really pretty sick (mostly castration, circumcision, penis splitting, surgery videos, etc). I never actually take part in any of this of course - I just look at the stuff over the internet. After a few days have passed I always seem to need another "blood and gore fix" and so I'll be right back at it again looking for even more gruesome pictures or videos. What is wrong with me??????.

Well, I suppose I've said enough for now. Thank's for listening and I sure would love to hear from you people about your thoughts on this. Can anyone relate to my issues?

DrummerKev147 · 02-04-2004, 04:20 PM

Man, that sounds intense. That blood/gore obsession sounds very disturbing. I guess I'd gradually try to look at less and less of it, if it's something you have great difficulty avoiding looking at.

Gotta_Escape · 02-05-2004, 03:20 PM

Hello...I have a couple of the issues you have mentioned...like for example I'm a chronic worrier...I'm litterally petrified of the doctor..everytime I go I think to myself "what if he finds something wrong? What if I have cancer? What if I need surgery? What if.." the "what if's" consume me until I either have a mental breakdown or an anxiety attack...Also if one of my friends say "I suck at life" or something totally playfully I will be like "NO YOU DON'T! DON'T SAY THAT!" because I'm so worried there going to kill themselves!!!!
I also have the "guilt thing" you have mentioned..but kinda...like I don't think God will punish If I'm not perfect, but I DO have this thing in which I feel I must confess EVERY little thing...even if I hadn't done anything wrong...I still feel the overwhelming urge that I DID do something wrong and need the constant reassurance I didn't.

I hope I made you feel even slightly better...you're not alone....if you need to talk just post back!

~Gotta_Escape~

Connor5 · 02-06-2004, 08:39 AM

Are you on any meds?

NoonBlueApples · 02-07-2004, 11:07 PM

I can completely relate to the hypocondria,and the confesson thing..I constantly feel the need to confess everything I did, and sometimes I want to confess to things that I might have possibly done, or even not done (I can't explain it), and my hypocondria has gotten better, but it has been replaced with continuous thoughts about death and non existance...all I can think about is how easy it is to die, and I am terrified about not existing...........I am afraid some times while I am driving because it terrifies me to think that a simple little flick of the wrist at any moment on the freeway could instantly end it all...I hate to think that it can all stop that easily....(I am not suicidal, just afraid of accidental and unintended things)...I apologize if I am putting new bad thoughts into anyones head....
and I was wondering...(about the Chesse man's post)...although I do not do the gore thing myself, I was wondering if it was an actual interest/excitement over the gorey pictures, or is it more like you are daring yourself to look at them....