I don't know if I'm posting in the right place or not. I hope someone can help or guide me to the appropriate board.
First off, I'm a 38 yo female. I am what most would consider attractive.
My problem is that in a relationship, I get really insecure. I cannot stand the thoughts of my partner having anything to do with another female. I get these awful feelings just thinking that he will find someone prettier and better and fall in love with her. It's very very strong. I know most would call me a control freak, but it's more than that. I get very tired of being this way, but the thoughts of him looking at other women, and her seeing him looking at her, makes me feel like he's just making a fool out of me. I'll just say to him "You might as well be having sex with her as look at her, cause that's what you want anyway". I'll be out alone sometimes and other men will be looking at me, or watching other women, and I just can't believe that their wives dont get mad or upset....cause they are literally slobbering over other women. It's hard to describe how I feel, and I have NEVER told anyone that this is how I do feel. Men that I have been involved with know....because I am just miserable to be with and make them miserable because I just feel sooooo ugly if I see them look at other women. I think that I am obcessed with having the full attention of my man, or else I don't feel loved.
I have had a man almost totally live in a shell because he wanted me to feel loved. I knew he would never intentionally hurt me, and he tried to please me. But then reality set in and I felt unbearable guilt for him giving up his whole being to make me happy....and he was willing to do this.....for years!!
It sounds really weird for me to even be trying to put it into words. This man lost jobs because I couldn't handle the women he had to work around....even tho I know deep down he was loyal to me. I didn't want him around them. He wouldn't watch TV because women on there made me feel ugly....wouldn't go shopping, even to buy me gifts, because of the other women at the mall. What is wrong with me? Even though I know he loves me I can't get rid of this feeling of being inadequate. It's not even like he's the greatest looking thing and could have anyone he wanted, it's that I'm always afraid that I'm gonna be hurt. I have felt this way ever since I started dating over 20 years ago. With any man.
I wish it were as easy as telling myself to get over it, I'm being selfish and let it go. But believe me, these feelings are deep and I WANT to let them go.....I've tried to let them go, I just can't and don't know how. Anytime I am on a date, I can't have a good time, because of these feelings. I can't relax, I'm always on guard....and always ready to go home and be away from everyone where I'm safe and the "prettiest girl in the room".
I am a grown woman, and feel like my whole life, so far has been ruined by these feelings.
Is there anyone else out there that feels this way? What can I do to get over this? I want to have a solid and healthy relationship with someone I can love and feel like I am loved back.....and enjoy doing things with, without feeling insecure.
Wow. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'm not sure if this is necessarily OCD, but it sure sounds like an aniexty disorder.
My first recommendation is to consider seeing a therapist. They will work with you on ways to overcome your fears.
I can just inagine how stressful this is for you. I hope you find this board helpful.
My best advice is: You have to repeatedly expose yourself to these situations that cause you to feel anxiety. It'll seem harder than heck, but if you keep repeatedly exoposing yourself your anxiety will greatly decrease.
Good Luck!
Reading your post was like reading a diary entry from a day in my life! I feel the EXACT same way about EVERY relationship I am in. I have ruined relationships b/c of my insecurity. I get so messed up about it that I create a bad senario in my head, and like you, I am afraid for my man to go to work, b/c I am paraniod that he will fall for another girl, I find it impossible to think that he could actually be happy with just me, and not want someone else. I am so convinced that he will go away, and I am quick to assume the worst. When we watch TV, and someone hot is on, I look at him and wonder if he is thinking about her in a sexual way, I also wonder if he wishes I looked like that. It's crazy, and I know it is wrong for me to think that way when the man has NEVER given me a right to worry, but my thought is, it must be a deep insecurity with myself, in my eyes, no one can love me, and the only thing that makes sense is ...I don't love me. Therefore I cannot see how anyone else could. Luckily my guy stays around, but most men would run, and never look back. I need to work on myself, my jealousy and insecurity is deep, but it is all about me, and someday it needs to change or I will be miserable forever. I hope you and I both find the answer, but it lies in no one else but ourselves
Wow 24/7, I didn't know there was anyone else out there like me. That's exactly how I feel. I know I'm a good person, I'm not ugly to look at.....there's just something in me that flips a switch whenever I just think about my mate even looking at another woman. It's sad!! He's a great guy. Has done nothing to deserve my treatment. It makes him very uncomfortable to be out anywhere with me where there are other women, because he knows I'm feeling insecure. He does everything in his power to help me, but like you said, I have got to help myself. I want to be different. I HATE feeling this way. I'm soooo very tired of not feeling good about myself. I have been reading on this subject alot on the internet. It is about self-esteem. But see, then I think to myself....I just cannot ever imagine being able to feel secure about myself while watching Bay Watch with my man....it really literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. I would love to be able to do that, but HOW DO I CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL?? How do I convince myself that he would rather be with me, than with someone else that is younger and sexier than me?
Thanks for the reply!
And to ALWAYS_WORRYING, I have had panic attacks a few times....I'm sure it's all linked to the stress that I am constantly putting myself thru because of my insecurities. Wish there was just a magic pill I could take and POOF, I would love myself!!! LOL, it would even be better if the same magic pill would shed about 20lbs off my body...... )
You know, it's funny b/c I thought that if I could only lose weight, and look more like those pretty girls, that my insecurity would vanish, but I have lost about 15 lbs. and I still feel bad inside. So, I KNOW it is me and my mind. MEMEMEE.....I want to tell you, I have wanted the same thing, to get past this, but I find it impossible. I feel like there is no one or nothing that could ever make me NOT feel insecure. My bf gets mad and says "Why are you like this, I don't do anything wrong" And what I tell him is, "I know you don't, don't you think this is exhausting for me too, in fact it is harder on me than anyone else!" AND IT IS! My mind is a constant flood of emotions and insecurities that I can't turn off. This carries over into friendships, I sometimes feel inadequet, like I don't fir, and the thing is, through someone elses eyes, our feelings are crazy and unnessessary, so I am in a battle all by myself, and IF I don't change I could lose special people. Thats the thing, it is almost impossible to NOT bring up my silly insecurities with my BF. It's like a battle in my head trying to keep m y mouth shut. Try to keep reminding your mate that you are grateful for him, and you KNOW he is a good BF. There are times when I am convinced he is interested in other girls, but then there are times when I feel silly for my accusations, SO you have to try and remind him that you trust him, sometimes it is hard to keep our own issues with ourselves seperate from our actual feelings towards them. I don't want my man to think I don't trust him, I try to remind him that it is me, and my mind that get me so upset. I want to stop this SO SO bad, and I don't know how either, but doing things for myself helps, and my constant worrying is tiresum...I want a day of peace where I don't worry about it. I find that time with girl friends helps, just like time for myself helps. I try to think about the good parts of me, WHICH IS HARD! I feel like sometimes I am wasting my life being insecure, I want to be different, and normal. I try to be happy that I don't have a man that DOES give me a right to worry. We are both lucky with our guys b/c they are good to us, and understanding. I say try really hard to be there for yourself, and do things for yourself, and although you shouldn't lose weight JUST to make you less jealous, losing weight, and doing little things for ME has helped a little, and I need all the help I can get. Try bettering yourself, excersise, eat healthy, get your hair and nails done, BUT DO IT FOR YOU....little things make a difference, and helps our relationships in the long run. I hope we can work on this together, b/c you sound like me. keep me updated on your feelings, but most of all, do something today for yourself, b/c loving yourself is the ONE thing you lack, and with it everything else get easier....
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