I've recently been seeing a therapist and working on my OCD and Panic Attacks doing the usual CBT or Exposure and Response Prevention... the thing is I have disturbing thoughts and fears of hurting other people (mostly my family) or myself. Like killing or stabbing. Anyway, these thoughts always disturb me and make me very upset but something happened yesterday that has me VERY SCARED and even doubting my OCD.
I was having an argument with my mom and was angry at her. While we were arguing I had my usual obsessions that I have during the day or night about harming her or myself but then I got hit with the thought of killing her... and it didn't freak me out. I was mad at her at I thought or it as a relief for a second because I guess I was mad and I wouldn't have to argue anymore. I then felt weird and nervous that I had that feeling. So, I ended the argument and went inside my room feeling confused and a bit scared... I became concerned that I could actually act the thought out because I wasn't sure it bothered me, so I went and told her. She told me it was most likely still my OCD. Anyway, since the argument yesterday I am preoccupied with trying to make sure I am not a psycho or a killer. I know deep down inside I love her and my family and am sure I wouldn't want any harm to come to them... but since then I have precedded to try to avoid arguments with her, and am trying to sometimes not be around her because I am scared I could kill her. Why else would I have the thought that killing her could be a relief or that it would be a good thing? I would rather lock myself up or kill myself than to hurt someone, but I am doubting myself SOOO much. Like whether I really did or do want to hurt her. I am very frustrated. I explained it to my therapist and he seems to think it is OCD but I am not totally convinced. It is scary that had I had a thought about harming someone and it almost seemed like it was distressing and that for a second it seemed like I could find relief from it. I guess the reason they feel it's OCD is because I am so distressed by not being distressed when I had the thought/urge. I don't know what to do. I just need to convince myself I'm not a sociapath or anything. I swear I'll tell my therapists anything, because I'd rather be locked up and get help than to hurt someone. I don't know if this is anger mixing in with my OCD or if maybe it's just an obsession that I would want to hurt her triggered by anger. If anyone has ever experienced anything like this, PLEASE respond. I am VERY worried about this. Has anyone ever questioned whether they would really enjoy their moribid obsessions or anything like that? Thanks in advance and I wish you all luck with your therapy and OCD.
I know what your saying man, i have the same fears, although ive never felt relief from them, just more terror. I have anxiety, Depersonalization/Derealization, depression, & clearly obsessive thinking & some OCD traits. I too am often scared that im some psycho and not alot of things comfort me. I love both of my parents & am far from a violent person but i have these thoughts to & they are very very disturbing and scary. I really don't know what to do anymore, and on top of those thoughts i have all types of exestential thoughts about life & the earth, & the human race etc etc
im cleary a mess right now
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It's definitely OCD! Just the thought that this isn't like you and that you would rather lock yourself up rather than to hurt someone is telling you that it's OCD.
OCD will never go against your will power. That's the key!
My quote taken from the "violent obsessions" thread:
"There is a particular case in Edna Foa's book "Stop Obsessing" about a guy who had these thoughts regarding his daughter. Get the book and read it!
What Edna Foa suggests is to actually picture the outcome of your actions in your mind. An example would be:
I am now in the Courtroom. Everyone I know is staring at me horribly. My family thinks I am a dirtbag for doing this. I have alienated all of my family and friends forever. It is now in all of the newspapers and everyone knows about what I did. I will go to jail where I will be by all alone and where I will probably be abused. I will then go to hell where I will be tortured forever, etc.
Go into all the horrid details of what would happen to you - this is important (the more the better). I only wrote a few sentences. You can write paragraphs! Write them down. Record it. AND GO OVER AND OVER IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. Edna Foa suggests spending about 2-3 hours a night on this. You should do it for weeks or months (until it fades). If it comes back, just start doing the exercises again.
You will soon see how totally absurd these thoughts truly are and they will lose their sting on you.