sickofme217

i have insane phobias and an overly obsessive personality.

im horrified of going to hell. im constantly thinking that i will be after i die and i am terrified. i pray constantly in my mind thinking "oh my god i just did that...im so going to hell" and i scare myself all of the time. im constantly twitchy and nervous and panicky over it. im also scared of falling knives. i see them in my head sometimes and it scares me. when it actually does happen...which it seems to a lot...i scream at the top of my lungs and practically have to run and hide in a different room. i always feel like the world is out to get me and that im always running from death.

my obsessive personality also drives me crazy. my friends and family have all noticed it. i seem to have acquired it sometime over the last three years because i dont remember anything like it from before then. i have an obsession with billie joe armstrong of green day. its not just an infatuation or anything like that either...i mean its been going on for over a year now. i can honestly say that i love him. people never seem to take me seriously on it except for my mom and some of my closest friends. my friend once said that im scared of all the boys i know because im afraid they'll reject me if i like them so i like billie joe because i know he cant hurt me. i think that is a very good point. but i mean its really starting to get crazy. my room is covered in pictures of him and drawings ive done of him. i think about him all the time and sometimes really think that i know him. it sounds so stupid and im wary of talking about it with people because im embarassed by it.

sometimes i have to check things at least 5 times even though i know theyre right. i have a livejournal on the internet and directly after i post something i have to check it several times even though i know it's correct. i often annoy myself with it but i do it anyway.

sometimes i feel trapped inside my head. i am completely convinced that the mind has several different "levels" as i like to call them. you can talk to yourself on all of these but one of the last and most distant ones is always against you. if you start thinking something and tell yourself to stop thinking about it that one level keeps saying it. you seem to lose control over it. ive been trapped in my mind and actually not been able to speak while arguing with this level of my mind. it drives me insane.

does anybody else have problems like these?
and can someone please try to help me and actually take me seriously?