Sick of this - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

ontheway · 05-13-2004, 08:14 PM

Hey It's me again

I was doing really good, Now I'm slipping It's totally frustrating to me.
It's like I'm getting more intrusive thoughts then some old thoughts my mind finally stopped obsessing on are trying to come back. I'm just fed up I'm so sick of living my life like this because it just makes me so freaking mad I have to deal with silly crap inside my head and I fall for all the tricks OCD feeds me I read something of others and it trigger the old thoughts. I went to therapy and I felt so good when i came out like I can beat this. But somehow my mind covers up and trys to ruin what I'm told. It's a never ending battle over & over & over again I have come along way from where I use to be thank God seriously but im falling for lies inside my head giving in the this obsessing seems like almost everything I do OCD puts itself in the middle causing me problems distress I'm just very tired and I don't think I want to go thru this again if my mind is going to give me more crap then it usually does I don't know what most likly have a breakdown because im so tired angry and really don't have time for this crap in my life yet it is my life but its really not it's MY life , I can't even control my own thinking, that truly sucks so bad I feel scared and worried sometimes for what ? nothing is going on but in my mind it is and im scared that is one of the worst feelings. the only time I feel Good is when my boyfriend is here I feel safe and not has bad even tho i have a hard time and im sure for him its not easy dealing with this part of me.. I would like to be normal because then I'd be truly turly happy maybe happiness is just playing hide & go seek with me i find it for a moment and it runs ooff again and then i have to go looking for it all over again .I get these thoughts that i should not wear this take them off and put something eles on because of this so i make a promise to God im going to wear the clothes all day so that way i can wear what i want and not have to take them off then if i choose too i cannt because i made the promise to God i would wear them the whole day and i would like to be normal where i did not feel i have to make promises all the time thanks for listening I just wanted to write this I hope yall are having a very nice day God bless always

why_did_you · 05-14-2004, 05:15 AM

awww, I'm sorry you feel like you're slipping- I'd advise you to see a therapist to put a stop to it before it gets that bad.

I can relate to going backwards. It's awful; it leaves you with so much negitivity because you don't know what to do anymore. At least I feel that way.

((hugs)) Best of luck. Hang in there. xxx

Lucieanna · 05-14-2004, 03:26 PM

I know the slipping feeling, not sure if I have OCD or not but that slipping back into it feeling is terrible. I work so hard with myself to feel fine, but al of a sudden its 'oh, its back again' and I just think what is the point in this? Im not getting anywhere with myself

ontheway · 05-14-2004, 06:44 PM

Thank you both for replying to me

Why did you, Thanks for the hugs (( hugs to you ))
I don't get ti see my therapist often because she does not take my insurance I have to do private pay which limites ne to once every month.. I dont want to slip and I know I am and I cant seem to get that good of a control on it. I feel it too I feel like this can get bad if I let it and how am I going to stop this ? then I try to remember what my therapist said and the thoughts try and sometimes ruin that for me also its never ending It's like my own roller coster that i ride and sometimes I go up and thats where I want to stay but then all of the sudden im taken back down sometimes i stay down for a while before i can get it to go up I want to feel like I'm the one in control but I don;t feel that way I feel like my mind runs me and It does I hate the feelings of something is worng when I'm trying to have fun or just not doing anything I feel like I cant do right when it comes to this i try and pray has one of my compulsions and i cant even pray in peace and I really can't deal with this anymore It feels so bad to be so scared all the time I just dont want to deal with this anymore because its taken way to much from me and I dont have the energy to keep going thru this i just dont the only time I feel little normal and ok is when my boyfriend is here and even the thoughts try and mess that up and i feel safe with him i feel ok and when he is not here Its harder it seems I feel like I'm going to have to keep dealing with this for a very very long time and I'm not looking foward to it. I wake up to a new day same problems alot of the times to a slap in the face by OCD oh look your wake now time to torture with bad thoughts and feelings until you go to sleep and then u will wake up to me again and its like ooh gee im looking foward to this day i just sometimes want the days to go by so fast so i can go to sleep and then it be Sunday where my boyfriend comes over and that day to go by very slow this really just hurts so bad and i get all kinds of thoughts from sexual to the gay thoughts to the religion ( religion being the most ) to wanting to hurt myself etc its just been my own personal hell for many years and i was finally seeing more of the light and then it feels like its turning gray again and soon will be black if i dont stop it. but the problem is how ? when I dont feel I have that control and when the thoughts feel stronger then me I hate this i was ok when i was young and now im not ok and seems like it will always be this way I cant even live a normal life..and im fed up and just feel like crap miserable sometimes and this is the hardest fight in my whole life and its been going on for so long seems like when i get riid of a bad thought another new bad thought comes in and i deal with that for year or many months or however long it decides and its never ending i fall for the tricks OCD gives me my all the time and its very frustrating when my own mind works against me I don't know when the day will come where i'm not a prisonner of my own mind and i have freedom from OCD i guess i have to fight and fight and fight no other choice this is my life

Lucieanna, I can understand where u are coming from seems like all we do is fight for it to just slip back out of our control its not fair but if we dont fight these thoughts we will always be beat down from them and never rise above I hope you will feel better because I know its not easy going thru this but I think we are all strong inside for dealing with what we go thru please hang in there best u can (( hugs )) I hope you are having a blessed day God bless

Why did you.. Thanks again for responding I hope your having a blessed day and doing good God bless ya

LOANOFFICER · 05-15-2004, 01:12 PM

Hi, Just wanted to give you a hug over the computer if that's possible. I have had this OCD crap since I was 10 and I am 46. It wasn't bad when I was younger. I have been on medication since 1987. For the most part it was Prozac. Are you on any medication? I did the therapy stuff along time ago and that did not help me. OCD is like diabetes of the brain. Theres days when you actually feel somewhat normal and then the next 3 days can be crap again. You have to remember it is OCD and not you. Your brain is stuck in a rut now. I have also found getting out of the house and doing something to keep me from thinking helps too. Call a friend, read a book, anything where you don't have to think much. Believe me, I have gone through everything already. Long time ago, I was a checker, counter, washer you name it. Now lately I have had the mental compulsions, like what song did I hear in the office when I was doing this, or said that. I am going through a medicine change and slowly getting back to a stable safe feeling. HANG IN THERE