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Old 07-08-2004, 08:34 AM   #1
cio cio is offline
 
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Can someone tell me if I have OCD?

For as long as I can remember I've always worried about things. It wasn't until I was fourteen when I started worrying that I was gay because I thought some woman had nice legs. I had never had crushes on girls at that point. I still have never had a crush on a girl. When I've been with guys I've liked it. I've had different thoughts take over and they seem to go in a cycle. When I was fifteen I thought I was schizophrenic. Then when I was sixteen I saw on the news that Jeffrey Dahmer had been killed in jail. I started thinking what if I want to be like him? I thought his ghost was going to come and teach me to be like him. Things kinda tapered off until I was 20 years old (I'm 25 now). I had broken up with my boyfriend and all of a sudden the gay thing came rushing back to me. Then after that it was this four year period where all I did was think think think. I went from the gay thing to schizophrenice to being a child molester to killing someone. I started to notice that when I was worrying about being schizophrenic I didn't even think twice about the gay thing. When I worry about the gay thing I will go and look at porn to see if I am turned on by what I see. Well, sometimes I WOULD get turned on but I never went looking for that kind of porn when I wasn't obsessing over that thought. I'll admit that eventually anything sexual will turn me on (most times) but I've never wanted a relationship with a girl. I do have idle times where I'm not worrying about anything and that's when the gay thing comes into my head. I think maybe it was because it was the original idea that caused me to have an anxiety attack. When a thought first comes into my head it's like I'm in a tunnel. I can hear my heart pounding and blood rushing. Then after obsessing over a thought for so long it just becomes annoying because it won't go away. I can't watch true crime movies because I'll start worrying about myself committing those crimes. I made the mistake of renting a movie on Ted Bundy last year and I started panicking thinking that I was going to do that.


Here's a list of all the things I've worried about. Only one other person knows all these things I worry about and that's my boyfriend.



1. What if I'm gay
2. What if I'm schizophrenic
3. What if I cut myself on purpose (I can see myself doing that and it scares me.)
4. What if I kill myself
5. What if I become a serial killer
6. What if I kill my Dad
7. What if my Dad dies and I don't care
8. What if I have a brain tumour
9. What if I have cancer (I had a pimple under my arm and I was convinced it was a cancer lump.)
10. What if I have AIDS (Then after being tested I STILL worried when it came out negative, thinking they might have tested the wrong vile or I might not have waited proper amount of time to be tested. I called the AIDS hotline and asked some woman if I had to wait six months exactly. She said no and I STILL worried.)
11. What if I become an animal abuser
12. What if I'm into beastiality and want to start having sex with dogs. (Gross thing was I could actually see that in my head.)
13. What if I'm into incest (Yeah, don't want to explain that one. If you've read this far already you probably think I'm messed up.)
14. What if I'm a pedophile
15. What if I have kids and I beat them/molest them
16. What if someone breaks into the house
17. What if I didn't lock the door
18. What if I left the car lights on
19. What if I poke my eyeball out (Okay, this one is really weird and should be explained. When I was younger my Mom told me about someone who had to have one of their eyes taken out. She said the doctor just pushed under her eyeball and it popped out. I became scared that I would get the urge to do that. I'd stand and look at myself in the mirror and actually put my finger to my eye like I was going to do it.)
20. What if I don't love whoever I'm with at the time (But I realize that I DO love them when it's over. So if I didn't love them I wouldn't be sad about that.)
21. What if I'm pregnant (I seriously thought this when I was thirteen years old. I hadn't got my period for three months which is normal at that age to be irregular. I had never had sex but then I thought *embarrassed* that I got it from a toilet seat. I even went as far as stealing a pregnancy test from Safeway to test myself.)


I did go see a psychologist last year and he told me I had a form of panic disorder. I only went to him twice because I had started to feel a little better. Then when things got bad I decided to go back to him but thought he would tell me that everything I worried about was true. My Mom has panic disorder so maybe that means something.


So, do I sound like a classic case of OCD? Also, I was wondering if anyone else has headaches when they're thinking non stop? Could that be caused by the chemical inbalance?

 
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Old 07-08-2004, 12:33 PM   #2
 
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Calv1502004 HB User
Re: Can someone tell me if I have OCD?

Can someone tell you if you have OCD? No is the answer really without seeing a specialist but id say it sounds very likely, I suffer with quite a few of the thoughts you suffer with child molester, gay thoughts, schizophrenia, murderer.... And i get the headaches when my thoughts get bad, I figured it was to do with the brain overworking but I dnt really know! Sorry this is short im in a rush!

Calv

 
Old 07-08-2004, 01:09 PM   #3
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Portia26 HB User
Re: Can someone tell me if I have OCD?

Hi cio... I can sure relate to you, almost every one of your obsessions. I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with some OCD traits. I'm currently worried about killing my BF, who I love so much. I can relate to your words so much. We sound a lot alike. You need to go see a doctor again to get some help for this, ideally through therapy. If you feel comfortable, you might want to consider meds as well. They have helped me. But I don't reccommend meds only... they only do part of the job. Good luck, feel free to write me here anytime!

PS. You are not messed up. Actions are what define a person, not thoughts!

Last edited by Portia26; 07-08-2004 at 01:11 PM.

 
Old 07-08-2004, 09:29 PM   #4
cio cio is offline
 
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Re: Can someone tell me if I have OCD?

Thank you for the replies Calv and Portia. It really shocked me when I read that there were all these people who thought the same things as me. I always thought that I was the only one who had these thoughts.

 
Old 07-09-2004, 08:12 AM   #5
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Re: Can someone tell me if I have OCD?

You may have OCD or severe anxiety disorder. I'm 19 now and just rescently have grown out of some of my anxietys which are similar to some of yours, but I still have lot's. To make you feel a little more normal I'll give you a list of some of my current and past anxietys.

1. Scared my legs and arms would turn into prosthetics while I slept unless I keps my arms and legs bent.
2. Scared I'm a cereal Killer (I rented the Ted Bundy movie too---woops!)
3. Scared I'm into beastiality
4. Worried that my friends will die and I wont be sad
5. Extremely scared that I have Cancer (I always find lumps and bumps and everytime I do I freak out so bad I don't sleep for days)
6. Worried that I'm a peodphile or pervert.
7. Scared I'm going to kill or rape someone.

These are only some of the anxietys i have and have had are extremely severy when I have them. The sevarity of them comes and goes and right now I'm doing pretty good. It's difficult though because whenever I see a doctor they look at me like I'm crazy or attention seeking.
GOOD LUCK.

 
Old 07-17-2004, 02:48 AM   #6
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Re: Can someone tell me if I have OCD?

First off, it's VERY important to be aware that everyone has weird thoughts------people with ocd and people without any sort of anxiety or mental disorder. This is an incontrovertible fact.
The difference between people without ocd and those with ocd, is just simply the fact that ocders get "stuck" on their thoughts.
That's all there is to it.

Every quote, unquote "normal" person has weird thoughts about possibly being gay, or gets weird images in their mind of really sick things they would never do in reality. They are just able to naturally dismiss it, or forget about it, or laugh it off.
The ocder on the other hand, gets stuck on those thoughts/images and finds it very hard to switch gears.

So take comfort in the fact that not only are you NOT the only ocder who has these thoughts/fears, but you are also NOT the only person in the world either (including the most 'normal' of people everywhere).

I'm using the word 'normal' for the sake of being able to label, by the way......I definitely don't consider myself or anyone else with any sort of mental affliction as being "abnormal."
We all know 'normal' is only a subjective term anyways....
But I had to generate this little disclaimer to be sure everyone knew what I meant----


And yeah, I have gotten headaches from thinking too much. I chalk that up to just the fact that I've been overthinking and straining my mind.
For me, it's the same sort of headache I would get when I was actually concentrating ALOT on something that held a much better purpose (I hate ocd thought.....such a waste of our time!).

Anyways, a specialist would be able to properly diagnose you, but it sounds like you definitely have ocd tendencies. I'd go see someone to rule out anything else though. Chances are you'll find that you fill a few different slots in their medical diagnosis book (the good ol' DSM manual! )
Diagnoses are important to get an idea of what areas you need help in, but they can get pretty convoluted, so don't let them get you down or make you feel like you're a complete psychological mess!


Nobody really knows for sure if there is a chemical imbalance in OCD. All of this research into mental disorders is really only in its infancy stage. There are too many things still unknown about OCD and every other affliction.
If a chemical imbalance was really an overshadowing factor in OCD, then the meds I have been on would've helped out alot more than they ever did.....or maybe their definition of chemical imbalance is just directed towards the wrong biological function(s).
So I would offer you the advice to not focus so much on there being some kind of chemical imbalance---it's just too ambiguous at this point.
On the other hand, if there are any OCDers who can honestly say that popping a pill has helped them 90%, then I would be wrong---heh heh.
But I haven't heard of that yet.
Meds can be a useful tool, but they don't seem to alleviate ocd with the same success as, for instance, meds for schizophrenia do.



Also, your list doesn't seem too crazy. It's probably alot tamer than what some 'normal' people have stirring in their brain---
Seriously though, you'll find all sorts of people with ocd who have the same sorts of intrusive thoughts or even worse ones.
But as it has been said: Thoughts are NOT actions. And most ocd people NEVER act out their thoughts. They just torment themselves worrying that they might.

 
Old 07-19-2004, 01:46 PM   #7
cio cio is offline
 
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Re: Can someone tell me if I have OCD?

Thanks for the replies.

It seems like my thoughts run on a month or two course. Then something else can go into my head and I won't even think twice about the previous thing I was obsessing over. Or I'll try to replace the current thought with one of my recycled thoughts and it has no affect on me.

 
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