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Old 07-14-2004, 10:57 PM   #1
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taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

My poor boyfriend has put up with so much from me. I am 26 and am trying to find myself again. My ocd has been revolving around my boyfriend. I care about him so much that I am afraid I will do or become something that might hurt our relationship. It started when I was on vacation with him and being around his nieces and nephew I started worrying that I might be a child molestor then I wondered if I might be gay then I questioned whether I was really in love. These are all such common thoughts with ocd. Then came the newest fear, the fear that I might have cheated on him. This sounds strange but I can explain. Growing up I never believed in drugs alcohol or any othjer mind altering substances, then when I was 23 and had a serious boyfriend after 3 months with him I lost my virginity. I was always curious about alcohol and such and knew I would try it one day but I wanted it to be with someone I trusted. Who better than with the guy you lost your virginity to. At 23 I was drunk for the first time and tried a few other things. My self esteem started to drop and actually it is only now that I have realized it. After having sex I started to obsess that I might give my boyfriend an STD, this is weird because I had never had sex before. I had fooled around a little but no sex. Now we have sex and alcohol, two things that I tried to stay away from for so long. After about two years me and the jerk broke up. My self esteem dropped even more and I medicated myself with lots of alcohol. At first I would get black out drunk because I had no tolerance then I started to drink socially and I socialized ALOT! Anyway, I move to a new state, date e few losers, then I find my current boyfriend. When I met him he was playing guitar for a very popuar southeast band called Hazel Virtue. This meant alot of free alcohol. I had fun for awhile, drinking, being with my boyfriend and more drinking. Then I started fights with the boyfriend when I was drunk. I took a two month break from the alcohol and then gradually slipped back into the habit. This brings me to the present. I will go out either with or wothout my boyfriend and I will go from buzzed to black-out with no in between. The next morning my seritonin is low from the alcohol and the doubts that come with ocd kick in, to top it I would be walking around partying and not have a memory of it the next day. Evil ocd makes up all these scenarios that I slipped outside with a guy or into the bathroom and I can picture it happening. Even when my boyfriend is with me I am afraid that I was out of his sight for a minute and got into trouble. I have spent pretty much every day for the last six months ruminating about what I might have done. I love my boyfriend so much but ocd alcohol and him do not mix. It turns me into an anxious guilt trip and I can't enjoy myself but just for a second. Here is where the separation comes in. I decided to quit drinking which I have done in the past so basically I have no support. I am the girl who cried wolf. To top it off the boyfriends lifestylle involves alot of alcohol (I am not judging him because that was my lifestyle up untill a few days ago.) It is liberating and depressing for me at the same time. I am proud of myself and will get through this without his support but it has left me to start my own new lifestyle. I am going to do everything to get over this ocd. No caffiene, alcohol, or drugs for me. I am only going to drink water and watch my diet. I am also going to be adament about taking my meds. I am looking into some hobbies like improving my singing voice and starting horse back riding lessons. I know this has been a long post but I was just wondering if anyone can relate. I hope me and my boyfriend will work out, I am pretty sure we will but I need my self esteem back now more than ever and it looks like I have to find it on my own.

 
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Old 07-19-2004, 02:04 PM   #2
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Emra HB User
Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Hi Jennifer 272,

I can totally relate to what you are going through! Why is alcohol such a pain in the butt?

I am a 24 year old woman who has suffered from OCD for 16 years (it started when I was 8 yrs old.) Two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with OCD, which was heaven and hell at the same time.

I am engaged to a wonderful man. He is truly amazing and very supportive of me and my OCD. But I too find myself having irrational fears that I will jeopardize our relationship. I think this is extremely normal with OCD.

I can also relate to the fears you had around your boyfriendís nieces and nephews. It's typical OCD, if you ask me. (By the way I am going into my third year of university with psychology as my minor.)

Lately there have been so many parties for my up coming wedding, so I've been having problems with alcohol too. This past weekend I had my hen party. It's hard because few of my friends or family realize how difficult alcohol is on my system. I was told to "lighten up and have a few drinks." The problem is I either have no alcohol or too much. And I can identify with all the irrational fears of what you may have said or what you could have done. My mother and sister were at this party and they would have prevented me from doing something stupid - but the feeling of losing control that accompanies alcohol seems to feed OCD.

As you said, the hangover is not the worst part; it's the drop of serotonin that really hurts. This past weekend was horrible. I spent the majority of it anxious, obsessing and crying. I had to leave work today because I was so paranoid and anxious.

I too am trying to stay away from alcohol. I'm really glad you wrote this post because somehow I do not feel alone anymore. Hopefully you realize that you are not alone either.

Last edited by Emra; 07-21-2004 at 12:02 PM. Reason: wedsites

 
Old 07-20-2004, 08:43 PM   #3
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Smile Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Wow! I am so happy you responded! I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Ever since things started getting serious, when we started about moving in together, I always fear that I will do something wrong or have done something wrong. I feel less stressed right now. I haven't had anything to drink in 2 weeks and I don't miss it at all. I had the same "what ifs" for about 5 months and that is when I decided the alcohol had to go. I am also taking vitamins. I have lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks from my healthy choices so I am thrilled. I am hoping that things work out with my boyfriend. I read that alot of the time when you have ocd and a relationship gets more serious that all of those thoughts are common. You are the first person that I have corresponded with that has had the same alcohol induced fears. I am sorry you are going through this but at least we know we are not alone.

 
Old 07-20-2004, 08:50 PM   #4
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Smile Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Wow! I am so happy you responded! I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Ever since things started getting serious, when we started about moving in together, I always fear that I will do something wrong or have done something wrong. I feel less stressed right now. I haven't had anything to drink in 2 weeks and I don't miss it at all. I had the same "what ifs" for about 5 months and that is when I decided the alcohol had to go. I am also taking vitamins. I have lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks from my healthy choices so I am thrilled. I am hoping that things work out with my boyfriend. I read that alot of the time when you have ocd and a relationship gets more serious that all of those thoughts are common. You are the first person that I have corresponded with that has had the same alcohol induced fears. I am sorry you are going through this but at least we know we are not alone.

 
Old 07-21-2004, 12:20 PM   #5
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Emra HB User
Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

The last therapist I went to said that stress (good or bad) can cause OCD to flare up. You said you started to obsess when you began talking about moving in with your boyfriend. I went through the same thing when I got engaged. I was so happy but I was definitely experiencing stress - a very good kind. Any event that changes your life can stress you. Iíve learned that when I start to obsess I usually look to see if I am just masking being stressed. That work for me most of the time.

But alcohol completely throws my systems off. Iíve decided not to drink at all; not even on my wedding day. I too feel less stressed. Iím also trying to incorporate into my life a healthy diet of lean meat, fruits and veggies.

I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend. I can vouch for what you read; that OCD gets worse when relationships get serious. But it can pass. My fiancť is so supportive - heís a thousand times more valuable than the 40mg of celexa I take each day. If you can talk to you boyfriend about your OCD you definitely should. Iíve left many a man behind because he was unwilling to learn about OCD. Ignorance in this situation is never bliss.

I totally understand what you are going through. Iím glad we can discuss this with each other.

 
Old 07-21-2004, 06:39 PM   #6
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Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Emra, I am doing the same thing with trying to better my lifestyle. I work at a bulk food service that specializes in free range meats and organic food. I am the sales manager. I hadn't had meat in ten years untill I started working for them. I feel very happy with the way I eat now. I started taking this sub-lingual B-complex and that has made a big difference for me. I also take omega fatty acids. Both of those are brain food and help with mental state of mind and help with all brain functions. I am also on a multi and calcium. All of this happened when I quit drinking. I guess my health is my new habit rather than alcohol. I am starting to feel great! I am also happy that my psychiatrist has me on 150mg of Zoloft and 2mg of Clonazepam. Ever since he added Clonazepam for anxiety I have felt so much better! Well, keep in touch!

 
Old 07-22-2004, 06:24 AM   #7
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Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Hello!

I have very simillar problems, I ask my relationship all the time, I also suffer from gay ocd.
But at this moment (these days) I worry constantly about if i could be in love with someone else.
I met a boy 2 weeks ago in train. He was very nice, but suddenly I started to think that I feel something, that I love him, that I want to sleep with him, such things.
I was completely freaked out and one day later I met another guy. He invited me to a drink (i knew him not good) and it was fun, but after that it was the same. We talked a lot and had fun, but i thougt all the time: you are in love.
Oh god, I don*t know what to do. I am so afriad. I think I am mad!

 
Old 07-23-2004, 12:47 AM   #8
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Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Zec, you will be okay, that is definately your ocd kicking in. You are taking yourself too seriously. Everyone has passing thoughts like that. People have them everyday so don't feel bad. Try to relax and enjoy the moment. When you think so much like we do it is inevitable that we will have random thoughts like that.

 
Old 08-15-2004, 10:28 AM   #9
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Emra HB User
Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Hello Jennifer272,

I am really enjoying this board and I'm glad I have you to talk to. Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I've been busy planning the wedding. Life is going really well now that I am no longer drinking while on my medication. I've also started a diet that sounds similar to yours (I don't mean weight loss diet - more like shedding anxiety diet.) I'm also investing in omega-3 foods such as flax and I find this is very soothing for OCD. This past Friday three of my best friends from my home town had a stagette for me. It was great because I drank club soda and lime all night. I had a great time and felt amazing the next day. Because I had a drink in my hand no one worried whether I was having a good time. I also explained to them that I stopped drinking because I suffer from OCD. They were all really supportive about my illness and even joked with me because I had so many passions in school. I'm really happy about the choices I'm making.

Well, thanks again for listening. Hope to hear from you soon.

 
Old 08-16-2004, 01:03 PM   #10
 
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chloestewie HB User
Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Hello all - Im Chloe, a 24 year old female.
I just randomly came upon these posts and like Zec, I have gay OCD, but also have the thoughts that I might have feelings for others. For instance, I keep having these dreams that I am having sex with another man and I wake up, and even though I am glad because of the whole gay-ocd factor, I start to freak because what if it means I dont love my boyfriend? To be honest - the gay ocd started a few months after I had relationship OCD, which started after I found out I had a lump in my breast and had to get an operation. It was a stressful time, which is why I beleive the OCD started in the first place.
Now, as I am overcomming my gay ocd, my relationship OCD is comming back. Plus, my boyfriend has a job offer in another state - way way way far away from where we live and has asked me to go with him and at first I was excited, but as the date nears I am getting scared. Then I start to wonder if I am scared because I dont love him? Then I start to panic because he is the best thing that EVER happened to me. He is awesome - he is a wonderful man and I am so lucky to have someone so great in my life. And yet I'm scared?

And yes, I abuse alcohol. And I was wondering why sometimes the weekends are the hardest for me to get through. Its because I drink so much and I am hungover and Saturday AND Sunday. I feel like when I drink that I am 'me' But the next morning is hell - anxiety, panic, etc.
Also, do you notice that your OCD gets worse right before you start your period??

I have my first appointment with a doctor tomorrow and I am really anxious and scared! Do you all go to doctors? Are you on medication? Does it work?

I cant go on like this.

 
Old 08-19-2004, 01:51 PM   #11
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Emra HB User
Re: taking a break from my boyfriend because of ocd

Hey Chloe,

Sounds like you belong with us girl!!! OCD is such a crazy illness. It's funny how all of us can see OCD in others but never in ourselves. You sound perfectly sane to me, OCD wise.

If I were you, I wouldn't read too much into your dreams. There are lots of theories as to why we dream. I keep having a re-occurring dream that I'm waking up in a motor home that's driving itself. Weird? Yes! Cause for concern? I don't think so.

You made a really good point about linking stress and OCD. I have been to numerous counselors and two psychiatrists to date. The last counselor reminded, me in my last session with her, that OCD is an anxiety disorder. Two synonyms of anxiety are apprehension and stress. I've found in retrospect that any time I've been under a great deal of stress, my OCD goes completely off the wall. My obsessions are usually masking something else that is bothering me. It sounds like this may have been the case for you when you found the lump in your breast. You were under a great deal of stress but channeled it into obsessing about something else. I can vouch for that - I do it all the time. But now, after being through counseling, I try to figure out what's really bothering me instead of obsessing aimlessly. It helps.

As far as moving with your boyfriend, that also sounds like simple apprehension snow balling into OCD. That has also happened to me. Shortly after I became engaged I fell into a huge OCD cycle. At the time I obsessed if my relationship would last or if he would leave me or if we would fall out of love, etc etc. Life changing situations (perceived as either good or bad) will cause stress. I was definitely stressed, but it was a good excited stress. Maybe you are feeling something similar? It might be a good idea to take a step back and see if you are simply stressed because your life will change. He sounds great and that you really love him so it doesn't seem logical that you would be genuinely worried about whether you love him. It sounds like typical OCD!!!!

Alcohol - I've stopped drinking and it has definitely helped my OCD. The last time I drank a lot I was hung-over the next day. The hangover I can handle; it's the three consecutive days of anxiety hell that really wear on my system. So I gave it up and feel so much better.

I haven't noticed being more anxious before my period - but I do eat a ton of chocolate.

I have been seeing doctors and counselors for about 3 1/2 years. Before that I suffered from OCD alone. It started when I was in early elementary school (grade 2 or 3) and continued through college and into my first real job. I was terrified to get help (what if they locked me up?) I went through counseling and became a much calmer person. It helped so much. Now I lecture about OCD and I love it.

I am on a daily dose of 40mg of Celexa. I cannot tell you how much this has helped. I went off my medication for two weeks (I missed filling a prescription) and ended up in the hospital with passive suicidal thoughts. So yes medication can help!

You don't have to live like this. There are lots of people who care and are there for support. Plus there is a great medical community out there to help. Just ask!!

Emra

 
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