| | I think I might have OCD.
For as long as I can remember, I've been a paranoid person. As young as 5 I can remember staying up all night, b/c I was afraid of dying in my sleep. Was that rational? no, but I was 5, to this day, I still occasionally will stay up. I wouldnt eat my corn at dinner if there was a spec of something on it, pepper used to frighten me. I remember my mom having to convince me eating vanilla bean ice cream wasnt going to kill me, I didnt eat it for years. As I got older, i became obsessed with the weather. I feared thunderstorms, so much so, if I heard thunder, I often cried. I was deathly afraid of tornados. I watched the weather channel 24/7. I was obsessed. When my parents got divorced (age 9/10) I was probably at my worst. After an incident at a restaurant, where my chicken wasnt all the way cooked, I lost it. For months, my fears and paranoia became worse and worse. I wouldnt eat anything with my hands. I wouldnt eat chicken, I wouldnt eat steak. If I were to eat a meat, I would re-heat it up till it was basically a brick. I washed my hands obsessesively, but then became afraid of soap getting in my mouth from my hands. I got to the point I was afraid to wash my hair. The worst it got, is slightly embarassing, and only recently, have I even begun to really think about it. In class, this is a 5th grade class mind you, I became so fearful of the lead from my pencil somehow would leave floating particles that would fly into my mouth, and kill me. I eventually trained myself not to swallow my spit when I would use a pencil. After a while, it was just second nature, and I would realize I had this huge wad of spit in my mouth. I would get rid of it, by pretending to blow my nose and spit it into napkins. I still feel ashamed, when I think about it. I know it wasnt rational, but when I get obsessed with things, it never is rational. Through highschool, I wasnt as bad, tho I will admit I was terribly obsessed with my grades, but who isnt in highschool? At least people who want to achieve. The stresses of my life eventually culminated into one, and I developed fibromyalgia, at age 18. My mother has the condition as well. Of course immediately, I became obsessed with fibro, and other diseases. The obsession continues to this day. A lot of my fears and obsessions are slightly embarassing. I was so afraid that I was pregnant at one point--never even having had sex, I actually went and bought a home pregnancy test. Recently I have been obsessed with HIV. I also recently got tested, so hopefully, those fears will soon pass. Tho, I must say, if its not something, its something else. I dont know if this is OCD, but an ex of mine noting my behavior mentioned it to me, b/c he has OCD as well. I know this is long. Thanks for reading if I did . Any input is welcome.