I have been writing another thread about one of my main worries about being poked with an infected needle either by accident or on purpose, but my OTHER main worry is obsesing over things I have done in the past and feeling like I have done the wrong thing etc etc, for example when I was 16 when I first started working, when i had finished i went to use one of the public phones in the main entrance to the hospital where i was working, i had a can of coke and I accidentally knocked it over and spilt it on the floor in the corner, (the phone that i was using had a partition wall kind of on an angle next to it and i spilt it in the corner of there so i picked up the can and threw the rest in the bin next to the phones, then i panicked cos i was worried someone might step in it and fall over! but i didnt know what to do or whether to tell anyone and if so, who, there was the main reception there and maybe i shud of told them! but instead STUPIDLY i walked home and then i regretted not telling anyone! and i have worried on and off about it ever since!! but it is always there!! and i just wish I had TOLD somebosy about it so they could get it cleaned up!! i am worried sick someone might have walked in it and slipped, even though it was in a 45 degree angle corner! but i am also thinking what if some one walks in it and spreads it about in the corridor so someone slipped in it there! and i cant help worrying if say an old person might slip over, or even a younger person and really badly injure themselves!! or even get injuries so bad that they die!! and i have always had it hanging over me for 6 years! its driving me crazy!! i remember afterwards studying the local newspapers for weeks afterwards tpo see if there was any news stories about anyone falling over in the hospital and badly hurting themselves! i thought this might be in the paper but there never was anything about it! but i dont know if they would write about that!! i just wish i could go back to then and change things! i always feel so guilty for things!
another thing is cos i work serving meals, i was on a ward and i had to get the food out of the oven and check the temperatures and it has to be 75 degrees or over, (it used to be 70) but there was a chicken dish and it wasnt reaching 75 so i had to keep putting it back in the over for longer but you are only allowed to do that so many times so after the last go i checked the chicken and some of it reached over 75 but some of it was only reaching 70/71 ish but i thought well thats ok, cos it used to have to be 70 and some people let it go at 70, and there are even signs aroundsaying make sure hot food is 70 or above! so i served it out but then when i had served most of it the sister nurse came along and was saying that food looks cold and she went to one of the patients and said is that hot and he was like not really, and i said but it reached 70! and later on i told my supervisor and he said it was fine but i have been worried about it ever since cos of the sister saying it looked cold and asking the patient and him saying it was cold! so i have been paranoid ever since that i might have given some of the patients food poisoning and made them die! i cant help it! it makes me feel so bad, like it makes me worry more because of the not knowing! i just wanna know if things are fine! i thought surely if anyone had got food poisoning then the ward would of reported it and there would of been a big fuss but then im thinking what if only one person got poisoning and they went home and then died! im going crazy! i think all of my ocd worries are provoking the other ones so if im worrying lots about one i'll be wirrying loads about the others too! i just want them all to go away so i can just be happy and normal again!! does anyone else suffer from this horrible feeling of guilt and entrie responsibility thing?
the most common things on this board seem to be gay ocd, hich i have not had, and the checking ritual thing, my things seem to be more rare!
Any advice or anything would be very very grateful! im very glad i found this board cos it really helps to talk to people who suffer with the same thing or who know about the subject! i really want to get over my current worries and start to relax a bit before i make myself ill from anxiety. i want to live my life to the full and enjoy all the good things that happen without having guilt, anxiety and worry hanging over my head like a black cloud!
well nice to finally hear from someone which my type of ocd....
my fears are based around this as well, i have a dd and i am constantly worried that by some fault of mine she will die or have brain damage..ect
right now i am a totall mess becuase i have some old stuffed animals that i used to play with and they were (maybe in houses painted with lead based paint) and that lead particles got on them....so i washed them all tonight....well then i felt ok and started to wonder, well those stuffed toys touched all her other toys.....and now they are lead contaminated....jeez i hate this. maybe i am streaching this a bit far???? i hope so, i would hate for anything to happen to my baby....
and if it helps any..i assure you then chicken was fine....
maybe we can help eachother through our fears...
i am resisting the urge to wipe/wash all the toys......which i know will just lead to another compulsion and then another and then.......you know how the cycle goes.....
i try to remind myself that i grew up in a world with a lot more lead, but it is so hard.....
i had her tested for it yesterday but i wont get reults till next thursday..
i have bagged up all my brass keys...as they can contain lead i read on the internet....and brass fixtures get tossed.....all my door handles are covered with material.....jeez i guess when i get the results i will be better *providing it is ok*
I know its so hard isnt it to try and resist doing things! I think things are contanimnated such as clothes if i wear them on a day when something "bad" happens and think if i wear them again it'll make the thing i am worrying about come true!! totally ridiculous i know but i cant help it!!
im sure the lead thing will be absolutlely FINE!! i am sure tiny particles of lead couldnt do any damage! things nowadays have to have safe levels of things in them, like below a certain level of lead content etc. I dont hear of any regular person gettin lead poisoning, maybe only people that actually work with it all day long. and everybody has paint in their house and they are fine from it!
i think with ocd maybe its actually more the idea of things being contaminated that ppl get obsessed with and so ppl pick on a thing to become obsessed over, whether it is germs, hiv, lead, etc etc and then that one thing takes over your life and you imagine that things feel contaminated etc! it is a night mare!!
this is worry is differne tot my fear of hiv and needles cos its worrying about something that i could have done to other people without knowing it, and its similar cos its the not knowing and not being able to find out that i hate! i just wish i could find out for sure that nothing had happened and that i would KNOW about it if anything had happened!!
well with the lead thing....the lead based paint has been banned since 1978 so i am pretty sure there are no lead particles on it in the first place.....but you know how your mind can trick ya into believeing things....
i know what you mean.....i whish i could just know if something bad was going to happen and that way when i knew it wasnt i wouldnt have to worry and do compulsions.
today my DD and i went over a patch of gravel in the road and i got freaked out when the dust came in the car because there is also lead in dirt......YIKES anyway i got through it, but barley...... i was able to leave my shirt on that i was wearing but it wasnt easy...i know that if i start changing it everytime i come hoem it will become a ritual and that is the last thing i need on top of all the compulsions i already have...
hey, did u get the lead test results back? i hope u feel better once they r as i am sure they'll be fine!
im still stressing with these feelings of guilt! i just wish i knew that nothing happened! i feel like i cant start to move on until i have dealt with these issues and know that nothings wrong and then it will feel like i have a blank slate to work on trying to get over this! i found a really good self help website, it gave some really good advice! im gonna try n find it again! i'll post it on here if i do!
hope u r feeling ok!
yes i got the test results back (thank you for asking) they were a 1 (they reccomend them to be between 0-9 so she is absolutly at a great level..
now i have moved on to something new....i bought some craft feathers to make her halloween costume with and they have like a fine dust on them or something and i am freaking out because i dont know what it is and i am afraid it ia a chemical or something......jeez when will it end
just read about the feathers and found out that.....
Napthalene moderately toxic; Para-dichlorobenzene highly toxic (when ingested) OCD or mothers instinct?????
i have been cleaning up now like a mad person as you can imagine.....there again comes the echo in my mind...why did i have to buy the feathers, i am so stupid....then the other part of me knows that without research someone may never know that in the first place....*sigh*
i hope you can get through the guilt as well, i know how you fell, i am so afraid to fail as a mother......i just hate that feeling
Recently I've been having the guilt/responsibility obsessions too, for the first time. But they are over the STUPIDEST things!!! It's over borrowing things from people, like rubber bands or paper!
I borrowed a rubber band from my band teacher and I forgot to return it to him at the end of the day. That night I stayed up the ENTIRE night worrying. It was like if he needed a rubber band and he didn't have one because I had borrowed one from him, it was the worst thing in the world. Also it bothered me because the rubber band wasn't in its "correct place". It should have been in his desk versus me having it. And just putting it back in his desk doesn't work... I had to hand it to him like he handed it to me.
Then I made the mistake of using his copy machine to make six copies of something with his permission. That night was similar to the night after I borrowed the rubber band. I knew he had plenty of paper, so I don't know why I was so worried. But I was almost panicked. So the next day, I brought him 6 pieces of paper and a pen to make up for the ink I had used. I STILL can't stop thinking that the ink will not be going into the copy machine so it's really not the same. I promised him if it ran out of ink, I'd write out stuff for him. But I don't think he's ever really going to make me do that, and that bothers me.
It just is so frustrating that it is over something so trivial... and it makes me look weird. God, why can't my brain just STOP THINKING?
i sometimes wish my brain would stop thinking also....
right now i am stuck on my DD baby toys, the ones with batteries, i suface washed then with water and i am afraid the water got into where the batteries are (cause the toys did get pretty wet) that the battery acid is leaking all over her other toys....so i had to wash everything it touched and put them in plastic bags....jeez.....another day another obsession