When I was around 6 years old I began having vivid nightmares and would wake up still kind of hallucinating about the dream. It wasn't like a schizophrenic hallucination but a state of confusion upon awakening.
When I was around 10 I began to obsess over thoughts of death and "How far space would go until it ended". Usually I would throw myself into a panic or I would get sick to my stomach. I was too scared to tell anyone about my obsessions.
I then turned 14 and one night while watching HBO's television show "Dream On" I saw a scene where this guy was having sex with his mother. The thought almost immediately made me obsess to the point where I would get sick. "I couldn't do that could I?" I then thought that if I masturbated the thought would go away forever but it never did. I was able to supress this thought up until I was 24 years old. It then hit me again and with such shame and guilt. Lord knows that I would never "want" to have sex with my mother, but why was this happening to me. Why did I think about it so much as a child because of a wierd television show??? Did it make me a psycho? I never told anyone about this because I fear of killing myself when I think about it. I feel so shameful because the thought was there. It drove me crazy and made me do things that I normally would never have done.
Please tell me that someone else has had this type of OCD Thought that drove them crazy.
I still get them today about various things, not my mother anymore, but about hurting others or myself, and constantly checking the oven knobs to make sure they are all facing the same way. Wierd, HUH?
I have never sought help becuase of the fear of what I would be labeled if I told someone that I thought about having sex with my mother.
Everything you said screams OCD! I have read many, many books on it! I also had intrusive sexual thoughts about family members, so I can relate. I hated the thoughts and they caused huge amounts of anxiety. I also had the fear of never waking up, when I was a kid, so I'm right there with you on that one, too!
I'm 42 and never talked about this to anyone, until I found some material online and another OCD board. That was a big turning point for me. I got better by doing things that myself help books suggested. The book IMP of the Mind, talks about a man, who had intrusive sexual thoughts about his mom. He used a CBT approach to get better. Read the book, it might help you. Really all obessive thoughts are the same, just different subject matter. Your mind latches onto what ever disturbs you the most at the time.
You said you got past the thing about your mom and then something new started. That is how OCD works. Realize that everytime a distrubing thought crosses your mind. I say to myself, Ok.. you are not going to make me freak, because I know what you are. I refuse to play the ruminating game. No more endless analyzing. Let the thoughts be and they will fade more quickly. Work at doing that everyday, that's what I have to do. I still have some difficult days, but over all, I'm way better.
I just wanted you to know that having those types of thoughts about your mother are very normal, for anyone, and they are nothing to be ashamed of, or to want to kill yourself over. The fact that you obsess over these thoughts is the OCD, but please know, those are normal boy thoughts that most just do not admit, doesn't mean they're not there. A lot of people have thoughts they wouldn't want anyone else to know, it's whether or not you act on them that matters. Never be ashamed of just "thoughts" and realize it's only the OCD that makes you obsess about them and I hope that you feel better!