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Old 09-15-2004, 02:36 PM   #1
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ocd or not love

i know i have posted about my struggles with ocd and my relationship and now that kingpin said that often times people make excuses for relationship ocd when in fact you just dont want to admit you arent in love, that has me completly freaking out. sometimes, its so there with my boyfriend, other times, its like although when i talk to him i miss him or when we see each other its fun, its like this nagging doubt sinking feeling that something isnt right, and that would be my feelings. but, at the same point, there is ABSOLUNTLY no reason to feel this way because i never would want anyone else. to me he is perfect. however, i do have these thoughts about an old relationship which wasnt even committed it was just this sexual/frienship thing hook up thing but with feelings somehow??? the guy said he never really wanted to seriously get involved with me because he knew it would be serious, and i alaways fantasiszed that he would change and things would gt better. now he is gone for a year to hawaii and i have had no contact with him since april, but part of me thinks, what would have happened there? its like my whole life i have been trying to go after the guy that needs to be fixed, and now that i am in a nice stable relatioship im not feeling whole or feeling something is missing and i should be chasing after the other one???? like this fantasy as if in he movies or something. I hate feeling this way, and i know if we are gonna be together forever i need to get over this. i would be devestated if we broke up though, becaue i would feel i was making a huge mistake and losing my best friend. its like there are two sides to me two sides to my emotions... anyone? please? help!!!!

 
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Old 09-17-2004, 08:35 AM   #2
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Re: ocd or not love

I have never experienced relationship OCD... I don't think... but questions you should ask yourself might include how seriously is it affecting your life and your relationships? How much time do you spend thinking about past relationships?
Also, another thing to consider would be relationships BEFORE your current one and the one before that. Did anything like that happen then? If not, might it be that you developed OCD later, or could it be that the problem is specific to this relationship? Do you have any other obsessive symptoms?
Sorry, I just realized that I just presented you with more questions than answers. However, I hope I have helped other people who see this post and have helped them to get onto the right track of thinking when answering you... maybe?
Kristina

 
Old 09-18-2004, 04:46 AM   #3
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Re: ocd or not love

Hi Flossieundefined

 
Old 09-18-2004, 04:59 AM   #4
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Re: ocd or not love

hi flossie,

this is my first post here.

I understand what you are going through.

I had HOCD but lately I have more Relationship ROCD and I drive myself nuts with doubts. Sometimes it gets easier and I think 'phew', we'll be okay. When it comes back, I panic even more, thinking that maybe we should break up. We are together 7 years. I would like more commitment from him but I have another illness (physical) and this is hard on our relationship. We have to make compromises. But often I panic about every choice or every decision made or not made.

I obsess about whether I should talk to him about things or keep quiet. I don't always know what is a real, legitimate issue or what is my OCD over reacting. I over analyse other people's relationships to try and see what works. I panic that I'm being too intolerant. I panic I'm being over tolerant.

So you are not alone, my friend.

I think that we should keep trying to 'float' past negative thoughts and take things slowly, as best we can.

Just float forward and don't try to measure you feelings.


ocdbugsme

 
Old 09-18-2004, 06:22 AM   #5
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Re: ocd or not love


Hi Flossie,
I have this type of OCD also, and I hate it more than anything. I am having a horrible episode right now. Mine came out of post partum depression 5 yrs ago. Before that I had no issues like this.
Hang in there!

 
Old 09-21-2004, 09:23 AM   #6
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Re: ocd or not love

have no idea because its really a healthy relationship, and i am obsessed with a past relationship that sucked and he treated me badly, but i always hoped he would change, and there was no closure on it because then i met my bf and was happy as a clam. so who knows how this was sparked, but my question is, how could such a healthy relationship spark such a negative reaction???????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????

 
Old 09-21-2004, 09:28 AM   #7
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Re: ocd or not love

have no idea because its really a healthy relationship, and i am obsessed with a past relationship that sucked and he treated me badly, but i always hoped he would change, and there was no closure on it because then i met my bf and was happy as a clam. so who knows how this was sparked, but my question is, how could such a healthy relationship spark such a negative reaction???????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????

 
Old 09-21-2004, 09:39 AM   #8
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Re: ocd or not love

Hi Flossie,
Is it hard to believe that you deserve to be happy? The only one you can change is you, not the old boyfriend. My guess is that he had issues of his own that he needs to work out. Nothing you do will ever change the past, try to find a way to accept it and move on!! Learn from it!! Don't throw away a good relationship because of a bad one in the past.
This new guy sounds stable, and it sounds like he treats you well. Enjoy it!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!

 
Old 09-22-2004, 10:20 AM   #9
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Re: ocd or not love

flossie, you are not alone - I am here also ... i worry constantly every single day!

And OCDBUGSME -> you'Ve had HOCD? Are you going through? Please answer me - how was this for you?

greetings,

zec

 
Old 09-22-2004, 02:03 PM   #10
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Re: ocd or not love

Hi, I've had this same obsession off and on for almost a year. It is torture at times, but I think that trying to reason with it and think through it just makes it worse. Probably the best thing to do is just trust yourself and accept that it is OCD -- it's not real.

When episodes get really bad for me, it often me helps to re-read this quote by Stephen Phillipson, Ph.D., and OCD specialist:

In my experience, I have yet to know a person with OCD to have been ruminating over a threat involving anxiety or guilt, which turned out to have any realistic significance. In conjunction with this, I have never heard a client wonder whether a concern was actually OCD and have it turn out not to be.

Even when my OCD doubts and worries get really bad, deep inside I know they are OCD. I try to use that to anchor myself back in reality.

 
Old 09-22-2004, 05:33 PM   #11
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Re: ocd or not love

Hi flossie, zec, piggytoesmom,

seems we all have similar Relationship OCD panics.

My *biggest* fear is that the problem is not ocd, but a real compatabililty problem and I will have to face it and my BF and I will have to part (after years together). This is a 9 out of 10 panic sometimes. Do you all have this too?

I worry that I am in denial and trying to avoid confrontation or 'the truth.'
I am beginning to *amplify* every difference of opinion in our relationship. I even see trivial things as being symbolic. If he likes A and I like B, it becomes more panicky evidence. I am so hyper sensitive and even if I keep it inside, my BF can read it well. This creates more tension.

I talk about it to a friend and I know she thinks 'if you have this much doubt, then maybe you should split up.' But I am so unsure;in so much doubt.

Should we all learn to say 'SO WHAT?' if our R-ships end, instead of 'WHAT IF?' (+worry). Is that the answer? What is the correct therapy for this type of OCD or worry? I do see a pyschiatrist but his advice is mostly common sense - he tells me not to think in extremes and just to see how things go, etc.

Yes, zec. I had severe HOCD before. I am mostly over it at the moment but it comes and goes. I do better when I ignore the thoughts and don't debate them. I wish I could manage the same with my relationship obsessions.

Please post if any of you have any solutions.

ocdbugsme.

 
Old 09-23-2004, 07:40 AM   #12
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Re: ocd or not love

hi everyone, thanks for your replies, they really do mean a lot that someone else knows what im going through. last night i had a breakdown and told my boyfriend about the thoughts i am havng about my ex. its not so much that i am even thinking about the qualities of my ex (well not even my ex because we didnt even have a relationship! which makes this so crazy)... anyway, im not even thinking of his qualities, im just so obsessed with whether or not i could have changed him or if his feelings for me were real . then that causes me to have questions on whether or not i have feelings for him. see the whole thing is the "what if". its a cycle. i find things to "what if " about, and then i start worrying abotu worrying about them, its like a self fullfilling prophecy. last nightmy bf told me that he thought i was making more progress and i said every day is a struggle. i believe that to be true, because there isnt a day that i go by that i dont think about this or struggle, it s a ll in how i act. so he replied with, "well doesnt that seem like a lot of work?", and it is. but thats ocd. its work to not let it get the best of you right???? i think the pressure is on me to learn how to control this or he wont marry me nor will i ever be ready. Its so frusterating. there isn o answer, its just knowing how to "let go". i also worry about ruining big events. ie. his sister is gettingmarried this weeked and i automaticaly think, "ok, so shes geting married, what if im up all night worryignand then ruin our time at the weddiing" which only increases my anxiety. its a mess. piggy toes, how does your husband respond to this?
thanks for your repleis. take care

 
Old 09-23-2004, 03:09 PM   #13
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Re: ocd or not love

My Husband uses humor!! (I have also had HOCD, and he thought that was funny because it is SO not me! That made me laugh too!) I think it is easier for him because we had been happily married for 8 years when this stupid type of OCD hit me. It started with postpartum depression, then we moved (4 days after the baby was born!) so there was alot of stress we both were dealing with at the time. Laughter really does help, but I still suffer tremendously from time to time.
I know I love him and my family, sometimes the OCD makes me think I am not sure! I don't always tell him when it hits me, but like your boyfriend, he can tell.
Hang in there, and make sure you take your meds, get plenty of rest and exercise, eat right, and continue your therapy. It is an ongoing battle, but you are worth it!!
Good Luck

 
Old 09-24-2004, 06:00 AM   #14
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Re: ocd or not love

Thank you ! good luck to you too!

 
Old 09-25-2004, 06:07 AM   #15
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Re: ocd or not love

my newest fear is that one, that I fear I could fall in love with another boy. And it makes me really freaking out!

 
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