i know i have posted about my struggles with ocd and my relationship and now that kingpin said that often times people make excuses for relationship ocd when in fact you just dont want to admit you arent in love, that has me completly freaking out. sometimes, its so there with my boyfriend, other times, its like although when i talk to him i miss him or when we see each other its fun, its like this nagging doubt sinking feeling that something isnt right, and that would be my feelings. but, at the same point, there is ABSOLUNTLY no reason to feel this way because i never would want anyone else. to me he is perfect. however, i do have these thoughts about an old relationship which wasnt even committed it was just this sexual/frienship thing hook up thing but with feelings somehow??? the guy said he never really wanted to seriously get involved with me because he knew it would be serious, and i alaways fantasiszed that he would change and things would gt better. now he is gone for a year to hawaii and i have had no contact with him since april, but part of me thinks, what would have happened there? its like my whole life i have been trying to go after the guy that needs to be fixed, and now that i am in a nice stable relatioship im not feeling whole or feeling something is missing and i should be chasing after the other one???? like this fantasy as if in he movies or something. I hate feeling this way, and i know if we are gonna be together forever i need to get over this. i would be devestated if we broke up though, becaue i would feel i was making a huge mistake and losing my best friend. its like there are two sides to me two sides to my emotions... anyone? please? help!!!!
I have never experienced relationship OCD... I don't think... but questions you should ask yourself might include how seriously is it affecting your life and your relationships? How much time do you spend thinking about past relationships?
Also, another thing to consider would be relationships BEFORE your current one and the one before that. Did anything like that happen then? If not, might it be that you developed OCD later, or could it be that the problem is specific to this relationship? Do you have any other obsessive symptoms?
Sorry, I just realized that I just presented you with more questions than answers. However, I hope I have helped other people who see this post and have helped them to get onto the right track of thinking when answering you... maybe?
Kristina
I had HOCD but lately I have more Relationship ROCD and I drive myself nuts with doubts. Sometimes it gets easier and I think 'phew', we'll be okay. When it comes back, I panic even more, thinking that maybe we should break up. We are together 7 years. I would like more commitment from him but I have another illness (physical) and this is hard on our relationship. We have to make compromises. But often I panic about every choice or every decision made or not made.
I obsess about whether I should talk to him about things or keep quiet. I don't always know what is a real, legitimate issue or what is my OCD over reacting. I over analyse other people's relationships to try and see what works. I panic that I'm being too intolerant. I panic I'm being over tolerant.
So you are not alone, my friend.
I think that we should keep trying to 'float' past negative thoughts and take things slowly, as best we can.
Just float forward and don't try to measure you feelings.
Hi Flossie,
I have this type of OCD also, and I hate it more than anything. I am having a horrible episode right now. Mine came out of post partum depression 5 yrs ago. Before that I had no issues like this.
Hang in there!
have no idea because its really a healthy relationship, and i am obsessed with a past relationship that sucked and he treated me badly, but i always hoped he would change, and there was no closure on it because then i met my bf and was happy as a clam. so who knows how this was sparked, but my question is, how could such a healthy relationship spark such a negative reaction???????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????
have no idea because its really a healthy relationship, and i am obsessed with a past relationship that sucked and he treated me badly, but i always hoped he would change, and there was no closure on it because then i met my bf and was happy as a clam. so who knows how this was sparked, but my question is, how could such a healthy relationship spark such a negative reaction???????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????
Hi Flossie,
Is it hard to believe that you deserve to be happy? The only one you can change is you, not the old boyfriend. My guess is that he had issues of his own that he needs to work out. Nothing you do will ever change the past, try to find a way to accept it and move on!! Learn from it!! Don't throw away a good relationship because of a bad one in the past.
This new guy sounds stable, and it sounds like he treats you well. Enjoy it!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!
Hi, I've had this same obsession off and on for almost a year. It is torture at times, but I think that trying to reason with it and think through it just makes it worse. Probably the best thing to do is just trust yourself and accept that it is OCD -- it's not real.
When episodes get really bad for me, it often me helps to re-read this quote by Stephen Phillipson, Ph.D., and OCD specialist:
In my experience, I have yet to know a person with OCD to have been ruminating over a threat involving anxiety or guilt, which turned out to have any realistic significance. In conjunction with this, I have never heard a client wonder whether a concern was actually OCD and have it turn out not to be.
Even when my OCD doubts and worries get really bad, deep inside I know they are OCD. I try to use that to anchor myself back in reality.
seems we all have similar Relationship OCD panics.
My *biggest* fear is that the problem is not ocd, but a real compatabililty problem and I will have to face it and my BF and I will have to part (after years together). This is a 9 out of 10 panic sometimes. Do you all have this too?
I worry that I am in denial and trying to avoid confrontation or 'the truth.'
I am beginning to *amplify* every difference of opinion in our relationship. I even see trivial things as being symbolic. If he likes A and I like B, it becomes more panicky evidence. I am so hyper sensitive and even if I keep it inside, my BF can read it well. This creates more tension.
I talk about it to a friend and I know she thinks 'if you have this much doubt, then maybe you should split up.' But I am so unsure;in so much doubt.
Should we all learn to say 'SO WHAT?' if our R-ships end, instead of 'WHAT IF?' (+worry). Is that the answer? What is the correct therapy for this type of OCD or worry? I do see a pyschiatrist but his advice is mostly common sense - he tells me not to think in extremes and just to see how things go, etc.
Yes, zec. I had severe HOCD before. I am mostly over it at the moment but it comes and goes. I do better when I ignore the thoughts and don't debate them. I wish I could manage the same with my relationship obsessions.
hi everyone, thanks for your replies, they really do mean a lot that someone else knows what im going through. last night i had a breakdown and told my boyfriend about the thoughts i am havng about my ex. its not so much that i am even thinking about the qualities of my ex (well not even my ex because we didnt even have a relationship! which makes this so crazy)... anyway, im not even thinking of his qualities, im just so obsessed with whether or not i could have changed him or if his feelings for me were real . then that causes me to have questions on whether or not i have feelings for him. see the whole thing is the "what if". its a cycle. i find things to "what if " about, and then i start worrying abotu worrying about them, its like a self fullfilling prophecy. last nightmy bf told me that he thought i was making more progress and i said every day is a struggle. i believe that to be true, because there isnt a day that i go by that i dont think about this or struggle, it s a ll in how i act. so he replied with, "well doesnt that seem like a lot of work?", and it is. but thats ocd. its work to not let it get the best of you right???? i think the pressure is on me to learn how to control this or he wont marry me nor will i ever be ready. Its so frusterating. there isn o answer, its just knowing how to "let go". i also worry about ruining big events. ie. his sister is gettingmarried this weeked and i automaticaly think, "ok, so shes geting married, what if im up all night worryignand then ruin our time at the weddiing" which only increases my anxiety. its a mess. piggy toes, how does your husband respond to this?
thanks for your repleis. take care
My Husband uses humor!! (I have also had HOCD, and he thought that was funny because it is SO not me! That made me laugh too!) I think it is easier for him because we had been happily married for 8 years when this stupid type of OCD hit me. It started with postpartum depression, then we moved (4 days after the baby was born!) so there was alot of stress we both were dealing with at the time. Laughter really does help, but I still suffer tremendously from time to time.
I know I love him and my family, sometimes the OCD makes me think I am not sure! I don't always tell him when it hits me, but like your boyfriend, he can tell.
Hang in there, and make sure you take your meds, get plenty of rest and exercise, eat right, and continue your therapy. It is an ongoing battle, but you are worth it!!
Good Luck
I have a real concern about the use of the "OCD" label to define everything in our lives.
I've had OCD my whole life. All my compulsions have always remained in my head, however, and never manifested themselves as physical actions (i.e. praying, counting, ruminating, etc.; never cleaning or anything like that.)
I was in a similar relationship situation. I was with a wonderful person from college, and for the 6 years we were together, including our 2-year marriage, I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't truly in love with him. Everything about our relationship felt to be forced on my part. Everyone thought we were so perfect together, how could I feel this way? I was in a constant battle with these doubts. I just couldn't shake them.
But the thing is, I never once, even to this day, considered it to be the OCD, and I've always been aware of the odd OCD thoughts and concerns when they were there. You all the time hear about people with the same type of doubts, even when they are with wonderful people, and they break up anyway because they cannot resolve the feelings. My question is, why, as OCD sufferers, are we not allowed LEGITIMATE doubts about anything?
I've always been able to disginguish the feelings I had for him as coming from my heart. OCD matters have always overwhelming felt confined to my head. And the several years in therapy after the break-up, because I was having difficulties coming to terms with it, not one of my three therapists during that time ever felt my relationship doubts were coming from my OCD either. In fact, they all confirmed that my presentation of those doubts and my perspective on them were very clearly nothing to do with my OCD (which we also covered immensely over these years.) Rather, the OCD was making it difficult for me to let go of what non-sufferers easily bounce back from--breakups from relationships based on feelings of love doubt.
I went through it all; the torture over "how could I not love this wonderful person". But the ultimate answer is, why did I HAVE to? When it came right down to it, I just wasn't meant to commit the rest of my life to him, for whatever reason fate had. What, OCD sufferers are not allowed to break up with people?
And you know what, I never once regretted the break up itself, which also tells me a lot. It was definitely difficult, and painful, and I regretted the whole experience, but regret about the breakup itself was never in there. The actual split always felt right. If it was OCD, wouldn't it have turned into "Oh, no, I shouldn't have left him, should I?"
The OCD came into play in my inability to accept a legitimate, true doubt. My OCD was my doubting of the doubt. It wouldn't let me accept to just let go of this person; my obessive logic and reason told me I HAD to love him, even if I didn't truly feel it.
Do not EVER let OCD be a crutch to avoid facing other painful realities, such as the reality of not truly loving or being compatible with someone even though you think you should be. There's a lot more to life and feelings than the definition of OCD. We are not exempt from the same kind of painful relationship emotions and conflicts that non-sufferers experience!
I am sorry, Beezil 1 that you had such a hard time with YOUR SITUATION. But that does not mean that the rest of us are in your boat. As an OCD sufferer yourself, I am sure you know that your reply probably spiked quite a few people. (myself included) I do understand what you are saying, but please don't lump everyone together.
Nope, not lumping anyone together at all. Nope, not saying everying here is trying to deny that they are really not in love. All I'm saying is that relationship doubt is a true doubt for many people, not just OCD sufferers, and it isn't necessarily a result of OCD. I'm saying allow yourself to have some doubt about certain things, and react accordingly (about anything, not just relationships.) Being too quick to say "well it's the OCD" can be neglectful to other aspects of your life that may really need attention or analysis free of the OCD slant. And there is a difference between "what if I'm not in love and with the right person" and "I'm not in love and I'm not with the right person", but it's such a thin, thin line that it can be easy to mix the two up, particularly if you have OCD. I'm just saying to look really, really closely and clearly to be sure it's not the latter, and do not use OCD as an excuse to avoid facing a reality, if it is that, that may be difficult to accept (and again, that applies to all things and not just relationships.)
I can understand the negative, defensive reactions to my post, and why. I've been there. Believe me, I've been there. I had a "spike" when I first read the thread myself. There are many threads and comments on this board that risk causing a spike in the readers. But I am no longer a believer that it's better to only tell what is wanted to be heard.
It's better to read all perspectives, allow the anxiety to flow through your mind, deny it its energy to develop a circular pattern, then in a clear moment try to distinguish what is a true intuitive feeling and what is a biologically based OCD moment. That's all.
Thanyou for your post, i think you speak a lot of sense in it. I have suffered lots over the years with HOCD (I was formly nokia on this board but for some reason couldn't log in today so had to re register!) and have been in a rut of late with what i thought to be relationship OCD, but i'm starting to relise its probably not and as you said, people with OCD are very quick to say 'oh its the OCD'. I understand why your post caused a lot of anixety to people, i used to have simlar situations with HOCD. But my point on this is, if the post caused anixety you probably do have Relationship problems related to OCD but for me it didn't cause anixety it just made me feel better and confirmed what i was thinking. I'm pretty sure i have to get out of a relationship i'm in at the moment, sometimes i doubt that and think what if its OCD and its a big mistake, but realistically the real anixety is whith how will i arrange to have a day to day impact on my young son's life and what if i have a bad bout of OCD again and the person i'm with can't deal with it as well as the person i'm with at the moment. Those are the real anixety provoking thoughts for me. But i suppose i've just to be brave and do whats best.
Anyway, i mumbled on a bit there! Thanks for the great post, you seem very wise to your OCD.
Re: ocd or not love 
