Join Date: Aug 2004
I constantly feel like I am held captive in my own mental prison, however drastic or dramatic that may sound--I can honestly say of all the health issues I have, my "mental" issues, are absolutely the worst. It is a constant cylce. I cannot allow myself to be happy. I dont remember a time when I was not trying to stress myself out. I guess that is when obsessive behavior can take over. I get to the point, I just start creating new stress, most times about ridiculous things. I've always been extremely driven, yet all I seem to do is hold myself back. There was a time when stress fueled me. All stress does now, is defeat me. I will admit, I have obsessive compulsive issues. I have had them, almost my entire life, I just never really adressed them, or thought about them, most of them were my own dirty little secrets. You dont really want to tell anyone...yeah, I am petrified I'm going to die from breathing in air. I don't really know what to do anymore, I cant really even function. The moment I settle down and feel partially happy, I am overcome with fear. It's not easy being obsessive, and having a health condition at the same time ( fibromyalgia ). It truly does suck, b/c I am constantly feeling new symptoms, I'll have to look it up, and realize its ok--it happens. This is almost directly related to why I fear so many diseases. I ended up in the hospital this summer, from an extreme allergic reaction to an anti-biotic ( fibromyalgiacs often have chemical sensitivities and odd reactions to medications). However, it is sooo hard, to convince yourself its just fibro, when your body is most definitely telling you something is wrong. I had a high fever, swollen lymph nodes, everything hurt...I dont even know how to explain it...I almost cried putting on socks--it burned. It turned out to be a histamine blockage of some sort--but the dr's didnt know what was wrong at first. They thought I had mono, then they thought I had leukemia, bone marrow cancer, HIV, rheumatoid arthritis, among other things--as you can imagine this pretty much sent me into shock and fear. Oddly enough I was pretty calm in the hospital, its like some certain kind of instinct, you can be strong when you have to be. The Dr. didnt test me for HIV--based on the fact my boyfriend was a virgin, as well as myself, and my sexual history only included a BJ that happened over a year ago(with a different guy). When I got home, from the hospital ( I was there for 3 days, I had low wbc count 1.7 they didnt let me go till had gone up at least a little ) I noticed a rash. I FREAKED out. My mom called the ER and they told us to come back so they could look at it and they might need to test for HIV. At this point, I truly thought I was dying. I fell to my knees and just let out some form of crying...but it was worse than that. I was now convinced I was dying of HIV. They drove me to the hospital, checked my rash said it was part of the allergic reaction and sent me on my way. They again did not test me. I went home, and was just...numb I suppose. The days that followed were filled with panic attacks, I had to wait for my next dr. appt. I was not only fearing HIV, I was still fearing leukemia and other cancers they werent sure about ( b/c my wbc hadnt gone up into the normal range when I left ). Well I made it to the dr. appt. I can honestly say my body felt 1000 times better, they drew my blood, and informed me I would get the results of my wbc in 4 days. This would determine pretty much whether or not something was seriously wrong with me. During this time I developed angular cheilitis around the corners of my mouth. The dr. didnt even notice it. Anyhow. I got my call, and my wbc not only had gone up, it was back to perfect, and my urine was clean. The dr. told me to just never take levaquin again. At this point I was somewhat relieved. Then my mind became consumed with thought. I had remembered after giving head over a year ago to my ex, I had developed angular cheilitis around the corners of my mouth. I instantly tied to the instances together, and thought they had to do with HIV. I could/can probably tell you ANYTHING about HIV you could ever want to know. I was/am obsessed with the subject. Angular Cheilitis--its a form of thrush, however unlike oral thrush can be seen in the genral public for a number of reasons--most of the reasons I have, including an iron def. and a b-12 deficiency, I also had braces the first time it appeared. Thrush is also only generally seen in the later stages. Then I started thinking about the fact I had braces when I gave a BJ. That cant possibly be a good thing. The ******* came in my mouth without warning, but thankfully he pretty much came down my throat, I never even tasted it. I think about how many BJ's have been given each day...and the sex lives of everyone I know. WHY do I think I have HIV from a one time BJ experience? Is it possible?Yes, many things in life are possible. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm still waiting on results, and I cant take it. I cant take the way my mind processes thought...there is seriously something wrong with me. I'm going insane. Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I want to disappear, and sometimes I just want ice cream. HELP. I know I should probably be medicated...but I hate being medicated. I am an intelligent, beautiful young girl. I cannot live my life. I feel useless. I dont know what to do anymore.