It's me again ( I know, I know )
I had a personal hell I was living thru while back, I've come along way then I was , more rationable. But I feel I'm slipping big time. and I don't want to end up in the hospital again because of this nor do I want to lose my reality.This is extremely hard because I know I have to fight this if I want to get better.
I also know that I'm scared out of my mind and I feeling like I'm about to lose a good grip on reality. I think if i don't pray ( mental ritual ) then something bad will happen so I better pray. I don't get any relief when trying to pray because my mind pictures bad things, or I do it for it.
I also have a hard time because I get intrusive thoughts while I'm trying to pray. I feel like I have to repeat it over n over because It was not good enough. It's very stressful to me. I'm 23 years old I got out to stores and I have to find a place where no one can see and pray out loud.
I get confused often, I'm so tormented by religious thoughts. It's making me get resentful most of the time. I'd love to help myself, but I'm feeling helpless.
all I do is complain about OCD, worry, feel bad. I feel like when do I get to think for myself ? The bad part is that i doubt ALOT because as we know its the doubting diease.
I feel like what if it was me not OCD.. what if this what if that etc.. I'm torturing myself and don't know how to motivated myself for more then just moments. This is killing me inside, I'm not living, I'm in my house all the time , mostly worrying. I 'm losing what little peace I did have.
I can't go back thru that and it feels like in many ways I have no choice. I'm so tired ya'll, I can't do this anymore, but yet I have too.. OCD has ruin my life, my image for so long. I want to take it back but I'm scared to step out of my comfort zone although it pains me as well. and just dont give up or into theintrutive thoughts.
So many times I'm just that fed up, were I'd ratter have missed my arrival to earth at times. and I feel stuck in this place I should not be, which is the world of OCD. I don't know, I just need well I can't say help, because I'm getting the help...but what I need is to help myself. but I'm lost because I feel like i respond back to the intrusive thought negativly. Giving into what it wants and I DONT want that.. OCD butt head just bullies me into things.
well I just wanted to write to this board. I know we all are going thru a hard time with OCD..I'm just to the point of where im emotionally drained, tired, I can't do anything without OCD.. not even type this without OCD making me feel something bad help me think of these words.. It's crazy and yet i fall for it. I'm weak and im mad very angry inside because this is not right..I HATE this
Thanks for listening, God bless ya'll always (( hugs ))
