Where do I begin? Well, I'm 23 and a few months ago I lost someone *very* close to me, we were dating and had our entire future planned out. I miss him SO much, he was everything to me. Then I found out that one of my closest friends had stabbed me in the back, which made me feel even more depressed. Because of all this, I have hit the worst depression I've ever experienced and I have started to get very unwelcomed thoughts - thoughts that make me feel like I'm sick, twisted and not normal. I cannot handle it. Just a few weeks ago I had all these distressing thoughts/images in my head that I was going to lose control and hurt my family. That seems to have worn off, but has been replaced by other distressing thoughts (I do not want to go in to detail because they make me feel like a complete sicko). Am I experiencing OCD? The thoughts are so convincing & powerful that they are making me really doubt myself and I'm riddled with "what if I really do that?" questions right now. It is so scary and I am so afraid of seeing a therapist in case I'm labelled as a weirdo and sent to a psych ward. I feel emotionally numb, I'm crying all the time... it's just awful. I was fine until the loss of my boyfriend, I was very happy, content & considered myself a good person, but now I feel like my head's all over the place and I'm scared that my personality is changing for the worst. And being Catholic doesn't help, I just feel so bad and guilty. I want to be the person I was before losing my boyfriend, but it seems impossible now. Will I ever recover? I'm also unable to feel love right now, that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach has gone and been replaced with overwhelming feelings of dread and fear, which sweeps over my body. It's the worst.
Thanks for reading and take care.
Last edited by goingtogetwell; 09-25-2004 at 12:56 AM.
I'm almost certain I have OCD after reading all the posts from this message board. So, my question is: does anyone else get really bad headaches because of the OCD? My head feels really heavy & fuzzy right now, I can't think straight & I'm in a mega state of confusion. I am trying to get my anxiety under control so that when I have these horrible thoughts, I'll stay calm and not panic over them. I realise it's the panicking over these irrational thoughts that is feeding the OCD, which is feeding my depression... Oh the fun of it all *sarcasm* This thing really bites.
I never realised I had this until now. I'm always washing my hands (like every ten minutes), I clean my teeth way too many times in one day, I have to read letters that I write over & over & over until I'm sure I haven't made any mistakes & until it feels right, if I type an e-mail & realise I've made a mistake, I'll erase the entire thing and start again! And I have obsessed over my skin since I was 12 (always picking at it). I realise now that I've had this disorder for a long time: when I was 11, I was absolutely convinced I was going to die in my sleep after losing a family pet to cancer. I'd check my pulse every so-often to make sure I was actually still alive! I couldn't watch medical dramas on TV because I was convinced the illnesses would happen to me. It was very distressing, but I got over all that. But since the death of my boyfriend, it's like I've relapsed and I'm at the peak of OCD right now, it's really at it's worst and I'm hoping I'll snap out of it. I'm trying to think of healthier things to obsess over, it'd beat these horrible thoughts & feelings I'm experiencing right now.
I didn't mean for this to be so long, but venting helps. It's great to have a message board like this, there's so many people I can relate to. This place makes me feel more normal. Hang in there everyone *Hugs*
Thank you for responding. I'm going to try some St. John's Wort to help with the depression I'm going through. I can live with washing my hands too much, that kind of thing doesn't bother me, it's the unwanted thoughts I'm suffering from that I absolutely hate. They make me afraid that I'm going to act on them, so I end up just curling in a ball and trying to sleep to make them go away. OCD is pure hell, my mind is torturing itself. When I get these thoughts of wrong-doing, my body floods with fear and I get massive panic attacks.
I have ordered a lot of books on overcoming anxiety & OCD, including "Brain Lock".