Mental roller coaster - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

sanrun · 11-09-2004, 06:16 PM

Hi fellow OCDers,
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster! I try to work on my CBT and exposure things everyday. Sigh, but some days are bad! Up and down throughout the day. "Ok..I can do this, ignore the thoughts, don't respond, yadda, yadda." Then I snap and start ruminating. Then back to the positive self-help talk. "Get on track, you can handle it, you'll get past it." Then I slipped up again and back to the ruminating I go! Darn! Then I get depressed because I slipped up or feel like I'm going to be like this until I die. This all started for me about 5 years ago. I have other mini-obessions but nothing like this one. Anyway, I just can't seem to get a handle on it.

I talk in my head like I'm talking to psych and sometimes that helps. Last January I was all ready to go and talk to a psych, but found out right before the appointment that he was not in my insurance group. After that I bought some self-help books, which are helpful, but I think that pehaps I still need to talk to a psych to get past this. Now, I have to find one and then get the nerve up again! to go! This really is yucky problem and is one that is difficult to talk about. The thoughts are gross and disgusting to me, but yet I wonder if I like them! What the heck is that! Imagine seeing a unwanted image in your everytime you see a person, that's how bad this thing was for me. I'm better, but I still have crappy days, which annoys the heck out of me. All I want is to be myself again! Why is that so difficult?

sanrun

Spiker312 · 11-09-2004, 08:46 PM

sanrun, if you don't mind me asking, i just wanted to know if you're married or not

sanrun · 11-10-2004, 05:12 PM

Hi Spiker 312, I have been married for 20 years. Things in our marriage were going down hill fast before this started and I was getting pretty depressed at the time. My husband was drinking and eating too much. He gained 125 lbs over the past 10 years! I'm very fit, I run and workout. I felt absolutly no attraction to him sexually.

I had an affair with a man at my health club before this obsessing problem started, we broke it off, because we knew that is was going nowhere and it was not right. It was just one of those things where two people hook up in a difficult phase in their lives. I had just lost my mom to suicide and he was recently divorced. NO EXCUSE! But that's the reason.

Anyway, I guess was down about that and missed having sex with a man. Also, a male co-worker was being a pain. I took some of his comments to heart. Anyway, I felt like the anxious depressed teen that I was 25 years ago! I don't understand why, but I started having anxiety attacks around women. First it was women I knew, then it branched out to all women and little girls. In person and on TV. Even reading a woman's name! Then the intrusive thoughts followed - (sexual things)

! OMG! I had this problem with less graphic images back when I was 15 after being teased by a classmate. I was afraid to look at a woman in the face, because the thought of kissing would flash through my mind. Prior to that I never had any thoughts feelings or close girl friends. I always had an eye for the boys! I liked checking them out when I was a little girl on the swim team. I was very curious about their bodies. So, why was I so afriad I was gay? No reason for me to think that. After about a year I got past it. I met my husband and felt good because I finally had a boyfriend. No problems with doubting my sexuality. I felt ok around women. I had sex dreams about men and felt good when I was having sex with my husband or my health club guy. I never had a sexual dream about any woman ever! I guess the thing that eats at me, is that I didn't have any sexual dreams about men until I started being with them. I always like looking at them though! Strong muscular bodies. Not body builders, but fit athletic guys are what I like. Geez! I better stop before my message gets booted for being to sexual in nature.

Ok. that's my story if you made it through

. I did have a better day today, but I'm still feeling a bit uneasy. I did have some stupid thoughts that upset me today.

Take Care,

sanrun (hoping to see the light some day)

Frank168 · 11-10-2004, 09:11 PM

Sanrun,

So would you say your deteriorating relationship with your husband started this recent cycle of anxiety/ocd/depression?

Frank

sanrun · 11-11-2004, 06:25 PM

Yeah, I think the problems in our marriage did trigger the obsession. I feel a lot better today, so am going to chalk up the past two days as exposure therapy! This all so silly, but sometimes it freaks me out! Well, you know you endured this junk, too. Oh well, I just have to keep peeling away all the layers this obsession has created. One day I will be myself again and I will smile and dance like I never have!

sanrun