Not feeling good about this at all. - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

dwc99 · 11-11-2004, 12:30 PM

Is it really O-OCD or am I actually very mentally ill?

It's been 2 months now since I started getting these morbid thoughts out of nowhere and I think I'm just getting worse. I have deadly thoughts all day long, every single day. If I see my mom laying down, then a thought flashes through my mind of suffocating her. If I see my son using scissors, then a thought flashes through my mind of stabbing him. I notice the thoughts about my son are worse when I'm alone with him, while all thoughts are better when he's not around. I'm seriously starting to question whether I should commit myself or not, because now I feel like I'm actually getting used to the digusting thoughts. Like before, they would totally freak me out and make me break down and cry. And they still do every once in awhile, but mostly now, I can accept them. Which I know is actually supposed to be a good thing, but it's not for me. It's causing me more stress. It's making me think "how can I not be totally repulsed by these thoughts?!". If I keep getting used to them, does that mean eventually I'll start LIKING them, too? And then will I hurt my mom or son, the two people I love most?

I haven't been officially diagnosed with anything yet and I've only been self-medicating myself with stuff I get from online. I know I need to make that call to a professional...I've been putting it off because, frankly....I'm worried that it's NOT OCD, that I, in fact, need to be committed to a mental institution. I'm just scared. And tired. And fed up. God, how I wish I could just rewind to 3 months ago when everything was normal.

hry33 · 11-11-2004, 12:37 PM

it may be OCD or something else, see a GP doc about it

elenaroberts · 11-11-2004, 01:21 PM

I think its totally OCD.Cause i have ocd too and i sometimes have these thoghts (killing my brother,doing people bad things)you are scared to do these arent you??if its so you must have OCD.also if you have ocd these thoughts come more often when youre stressed.but dont take your pills in the way you choose.its a thing a doctor should do.cuz if you have other illnesses these pills might make things get worse.so just see a doctor they know what is best for you.

dwc99 · 11-11-2004, 03:12 PM

Oh yeah, I'm definitely scared to do them. I mean, the thoughts *do* repulse me. I could never hurt anyone, *especially* my mom or my little son! I'm actually more empathetic and compassionate than most people...or I was, anyway. This just came so suddenly, out of the blue. Like I said, I've been self-medicating myself...trying to face the thoughts, accept them as harmless thoughts and move on. And it's sort of working, as far as accepting them as just thoughts, anyway. But then that leads to a whole new problem...I start obsessing over the fact that maybe by accepting these thoughts, and not freaking out over them anymore, I could eventually start to LIKE the thoughts. Maybe I'm in some kind of downward spiral, where I'll just keep getting worse and worse and 6 months from now, I WILL commit some terrible crime.

And then of course, because that sounds so damn paranoid, I start to question my sanity. I just feel helpless.

angelcandee · 12-10-2004, 01:46 AM

I don't know what to suggest, as I haven't found the answer myself. All I can say is that it took a lot of strength for you to come on here and that's a good step. I am a fourth year nursing student and everything was ok with me until about 4 months ago. I too have similar thoughts to you, some so scarry I can't even write them on here. Like you, I sometimes question why I think about them as often as I do. Does it mean there really is some validity to my thoughts? I shared my thoughts with a friend once and she told me that if the thought bothers you enough to talk about it or seek help, then you would never act on it. Our situation is absolutely absurd, because of course we would never do the unthinkable. I don't think you're mentally ill. I too am scarred to talk to somebody about my thoughts because of how it will be interpreted. If you come up with something or you want to chat further, do not hesitate to message me.

Angel.