Thoughts of my husband & other women - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

Smartcookie · 11-15-2004, 06:13 PM

Ive posted here before, but it somehow got erased. I cannot understand why my husband STILL says " I am sorry for the way you feel" yet still continues to do things that hurt me. Does he say it to shut me up? Does he honestly think he is not hurting me, when i say that i feel hurt when he does certain things? I have tried to explain to him that i think i started developing a strong OCD regarding him and his past women-encounters and also due to many present situations. I explained the fact that the whole time in which we dated,(whether or not it was intentional) that he made me feel worthless, and that other women around us were always more beautiful, more interesting, more worth gawking at than his date (whom he claims he loves). Its not like i started a fight with him right off the bat, i would actually ask him what he was looking at, and why? Then i would say, its not to be controlling but i have this thing where, when you ignore me, and you focus on other women, it absolutely kills me inside. He would just deny deny deny.
I obsess over things that i have found in his house, his car, what he did, (both before we were dating and while we were dating and NOW).........Its like, i cannot win with my own husband.
I feel like he thinks that everytime I express to him that i feel so down and depressed, that he thinks this is a game, and attention-getter on my part and i do it for entertainment.(oh yah, i love making myself feel horrible and love stepping on my self esteem--if i have any left).

I was never denied any attention growing up, i never had a 'wierd' relationship with my parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles, or whatever that scarred me. Nothing like that, so , was it all caused by my then-boyfriend, now-husbands 'loose' womanizing life-style??
Ive often explained to him, maybe some women could handle this, but i cannot. He seems to be fine with it and sympathize with my situation, but then its like we never ever talked, cause he goes and does something else!!!
A few things he's done; 1) i found nude playing cards in his bedroom, then claimed they werent his, 2)bought an airfreshner with 3 nude women on it, then SAVED it in a box when the smell ran out 3) kept rings, pendants, keychains w/pics of his ex and other gifts from past gilrfiends around the house.
4)Never stood up for me when his family trampled all over me, claiming i was too different for him and his family(notice, he thinks i also have to make his family happy with everything i do).
5) lied to my face many times and when i asked him about the lies, he said he lied b/c of the way i am.
6)I found pics of nude women on his 'borrowed' computer, that were in his name but he claims he never ever saw them
7) called s FEMALE friend behind my back to wish her a happy New Years and tried to hide it.
8)Is always fixated on starring at the pantyhose or bra section in a department store (cause he loves legs and boobs)
9)went to strip joints and stags non-stop and then claimed he only went as a means of socializing with the "guys" and didnt really look at the strippers.
I've only written 9 things, but there are about 99... many,many,many more things that I could type, but, i dont really have the will power to sit here and write a novel about how many silly things my husband has behind his belt, and truthfully, it is making me sad and i am feeling very low.

Other guys give me lots of attention, i have gotten complimented thru my whole life on people saying i am very pretty, i have beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes a great personality. I have had guys even say I was HOT (and i didnt like it very much, at clubs, when guys ogled me, i would like it for about 5 minutes, then it would creep me out and i would leave or walk away). I was even harassed at work by a male who was a bit too much into women...so its not like someone has called me ugly, or i was tormented in school or whatever. My ex even said i was the prettiest woman he ever laid eyes on! (yes, that mightve been a line, but, i am trying to show, i wasnt in any bad relationships).
Its this whole thing with my husband and how he has been obsessed with women, and now i am obsessed with that thought.
Is this OCD , and if not, what the heck is it? How do i prove to my husband i don't want to hurt him by constantly bringing this up, but his past and PRESENT actions hurt me in the worst way??? I feel like i am a piece of garbage and he doesnt even care.
Please help me anyone.

LittleRose1982 · 11-15-2004, 07:38 PM

Honey! You are TORTURING yourself!

I know, I do the same thing. You have to find a way of controlling the demons in your head. Granted, your husband should not be doing these things when he knows how much it upsets you. In my opinion, men can refrain from their lustful impulses out of respect for their wives/girlfriends. It's not out of their control. I know you mentioned that he tries to help you, but actions speak louder than words and he's obviously not doing a good job of helping you. How recent are those things that you listed? Were they things that happened a long time ago? Are you just holding on to them still?
Sadly, other women are not going to go away. There is nothing you can do to control their existance. All you can control is your perception and your reaction to them. Start by accepting that. Because even if your husband starts truly respecting you and stops looking at nude pictures, there are always going to be pretty actresses in bikinis on TV and you KNOW that's still going to upset you. And he obviously can't be expected to leave the room when one of them comes on the screen.
Do you compare yourself to these other women? Do you wish you looked different? More like them? If so, then your problem is rooted in self-esteem and a lack of understanding that men CAN be attracted to other women but be head over heals in love with you and think you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth.
I know I sound hypocritical because I do the same thing (actually my OCD is more of a paranoia that he is cheating on me and an obsession with catching him in the act... to the point where I find myself thinking of doing insane things). But I'm working very hard at "exercising" my brain into switching from negative thinking to positive thinking. It's not easy, but you have to keep working at it. Just like a muscle, it takes time to become strong. Take little steps to control these thoughts. While your husband could be meeting you halfway by improving his behavior, you still have to do your part and come your half of the way.
I am with you, sister. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully we can help heal each other with whatever positive energy we have left. Keep me posted and God bless.

Smartcookie · 11-17-2004, 06:29 PM

I am assuming marich101 is male. I have no comments for what you said.
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?

LittleRose1982 · 11-17-2004, 07:01 PM

Men understand very little about women! And the other way around, too. But in this case, what's not to understand? If you are outwardly telling him it bothers you, and you are VISIBLY upset because you're crying, then it certainly doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand!! He's got to control his impulse to check out other women just as you probably control yours to check out other men (at least when you are around him!

)
How about this: You say he's not into porn or anything really dirty like that. That is one thing to be thankful of. He doesn't cheat. That's a MAJOR thing to be thankful of! Right there you've got a guy who behaves above par when compared to other guys! Most guys do look at porn, and a good percentage cheat! Don't let the negative influence of the world around you make you project a negative image onto your husband. Try viewing him for the faithful, non-dirty husband that he is. Everyone has their flaws, and just try and separate his flaw of checking out other women from all his wonderful qualities.
This is going to sound a little extreme and people might disagree with me on this, but I feel like I am no more of sound mind than you are so we are thinking alike on matters like this! What if you blatantly check out other men around him? Let him see you STARE, move your eyes up and down, stop dead in your tracks. See how it makes him feel!! Think long and hard though, because while it could turn over positive results it could also be risky because it could cause him to "fight back" by doing the same thing. But hey, he's already doing that, right?!
My latest concern is that my boyfriend wants to go visit his cousin out of state for the weekend. His cousin's wife has these friends... needless to say they are certainly not Nuns! Do I need to go into detail?? Anyway, I can't go because I have to work on Sunday. But he wants to go. I am sick to my stomach over this now because all I can think about is that these girls will spend the night at his cousin's house... and there aren't many beds to go around!!
I am torn apart too, Cookie. Just try and hang in there and think positive thoughts. About how great he is, and about the fact that you ARE making improvement! Best wishes.

Smartcookie · 11-17-2004, 07:16 PM

Rose, I dont know what to tell you. I would be freaking if that was my hubby trapped with tramps all weekend! And i dont say this to make you feel worse. Honestly, its b/c i dont trust his wandering eyes. I dont need my husband constantly checking out other women.............and with no control if i wasnt around. Oh no, i would get out of work on sunday, or find a way to postpone the visit for when i was able to go.
As for your reply, you do make many valid points. I do thank God that my hubby is good to me (in every other way) and he truly loves me and i love him. But it seems that when these things happen, it doesnt matter if he handed me a million bucks, I would still wonder why he continues to hurt me.
Oh, i have done the male-starring before, but it was too late. It was after many arguements and he summed up "Youre just doing it to prove a point, you're not like that". And i am not. Not to say i dont appreciate a good looking man, i mean, i am not Hitler, i am simply saying that when he does it, it all feels dirty and kills me to no end.
Let me know what happens with Jem and the Misfits (ahahaha)