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Old 11-15-2004, 05:13 PM   #1
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Smartcookie HB User
Unhappy Thoughts of my husband & other women

Ive posted here before, but it somehow got erased. I cannot understand why my husband STILL says " I am sorry for the way you feel" yet still continues to do things that hurt me. Does he say it to shut me up? Does he honestly think he is not hurting me, when i say that i feel hurt when he does certain things? I have tried to explain to him that i think i started developing a strong OCD regarding him and his past women-encounters and also due to many present situations. I explained the fact that the whole time in which we dated,(whether or not it was intentional) that he made me feel worthless, and that other women around us were always more beautiful, more interesting, more worth gawking at than his date (whom he claims he loves). Its not like i started a fight with him right off the bat, i would actually ask him what he was looking at, and why? Then i would say, its not to be controlling but i have this thing where, when you ignore me, and you focus on other women, it absolutely kills me inside. He would just deny deny deny.
I obsess over things that i have found in his house, his car, what he did, (both before we were dating and while we were dating and NOW).........Its like, i cannot win with my own husband.
I feel like he thinks that everytime I express to him that i feel so down and depressed, that he thinks this is a game, and attention-getter on my part and i do it for entertainment.(oh yah, i love making myself feel horrible and love stepping on my self esteem--if i have any left).
I was never denied any attention growing up, i never had a 'wierd' relationship with my parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles, or whatever that scarred me. Nothing like that, so , was it all caused by my then-boyfriend, now-husbands 'loose' womanizing life-style??
Ive often explained to him, maybe some women could handle this, but i cannot. He seems to be fine with it and sympathize with my situation, but then its like we never ever talked, cause he goes and does something else!!!
A few things he's done; 1) i found nude playing cards in his bedroom, then claimed they werent his, 2)bought an airfreshner with 3 nude women on it, then SAVED it in a box when the smell ran out 3) kept rings, pendants, keychains w/pics of his ex and other gifts from past gilrfiends around the house.
4)Never stood up for me when his family trampled all over me, claiming i was too different for him and his family(notice, he thinks i also have to make his family happy with everything i do).
5) lied to my face many times and when i asked him about the lies, he said he lied b/c of the way i am.
6)I found pics of nude women on his 'borrowed' computer, that were in his name but he claims he never ever saw them
7) called s FEMALE friend behind my back to wish her a happy New Years and tried to hide it.
8)Is always fixated on starring at the pantyhose or bra section in a department store (cause he loves legs and boobs)
9)went to strip joints and stags non-stop and then claimed he only went as a means of socializing with the "guys" and didnt really look at the strippers.
I've only written 9 things, but there are about 99... many,many,many more things that I could type, but, i dont really have the will power to sit here and write a novel about how many silly things my husband has behind his belt, and truthfully, it is making me sad and i am feeling very low.
Other guys give me lots of attention, i have gotten complimented thru my whole life on people saying i am very pretty, i have beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes a great personality. I have had guys even say I was HOT (and i didnt like it very much, at clubs, when guys ogled me, i would like it for about 5 minutes, then it would creep me out and i would leave or walk away). I was even harassed at work by a male who was a bit too much into women...so its not like someone has called me ugly, or i was tormented in school or whatever. My ex even said i was the prettiest woman he ever laid eyes on! (yes, that mightve been a line, but, i am trying to show, i wasnt in any bad relationships).
Its this whole thing with my husband and how he has been obsessed with women, and now i am obsessed with that thought.
Is this OCD , and if not, what the heck is it? How do i prove to my husband i don't want to hurt him by constantly bringing this up, but his past and PRESENT actions hurt me in the worst way??? I feel like i am a piece of garbage and he doesnt even care.
Please help me anyone.

 
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Old 11-15-2004, 06:38 PM   #2
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Honey! You are TORTURING yourself!
I know, I do the same thing. You have to find a way of controlling the demons in your head. Granted, your husband should not be doing these things when he knows how much it upsets you. In my opinion, men can refrain from their lustful impulses out of respect for their wives/girlfriends. It's not out of their control. I know you mentioned that he tries to help you, but actions speak louder than words and he's obviously not doing a good job of helping you. How recent are those things that you listed? Were they things that happened a long time ago? Are you just holding on to them still?
Sadly, other women are not going to go away. There is nothing you can do to control their existance. All you can control is your perception and your reaction to them. Start by accepting that. Because even if your husband starts truly respecting you and stops looking at nude pictures, there are always going to be pretty actresses in bikinis on TV and you KNOW that's still going to upset you. And he obviously can't be expected to leave the room when one of them comes on the screen.
Do you compare yourself to these other women? Do you wish you looked different? More like them? If so, then your problem is rooted in self-esteem and a lack of understanding that men CAN be attracted to other women but be head over heals in love with you and think you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth.
I know I sound hypocritical because I do the same thing (actually my OCD is more of a paranoia that he is cheating on me and an obsession with catching him in the act... to the point where I find myself thinking of doing insane things). But I'm working very hard at "exercising" my brain into switching from negative thinking to positive thinking. It's not easy, but you have to keep working at it. Just like a muscle, it takes time to become strong. Take little steps to control these thoughts. While your husband could be meeting you halfway by improving his behavior, you still have to do your part and come your half of the way.
I am with you, sister. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully we can help heal each other with whatever positive energy we have left. Keep me posted and God bless.

 
Old 11-17-2004, 05:29 PM   #3
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

I am assuming marich101 is male. I have no comments for what you said.
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?

 
Old 11-17-2004, 06:01 PM   #4
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Men understand very little about women! And the other way around, too. But in this case, what's not to understand? If you are outwardly telling him it bothers you, and you are VISIBLY upset because you're crying, then it certainly doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand!! He's got to control his impulse to check out other women just as you probably control yours to check out other men (at least when you are around him! )
How about this: You say he's not into porn or anything really dirty like that. That is one thing to be thankful of. He doesn't cheat. That's a MAJOR thing to be thankful of! Right there you've got a guy who behaves above par when compared to other guys! Most guys do look at porn, and a good percentage cheat! Don't let the negative influence of the world around you make you project a negative image onto your husband. Try viewing him for the faithful, non-dirty husband that he is. Everyone has their flaws, and just try and separate his flaw of checking out other women from all his wonderful qualities.
This is going to sound a little extreme and people might disagree with me on this, but I feel like I am no more of sound mind than you are so we are thinking alike on matters like this! What if you blatantly check out other men around him? Let him see you STARE, move your eyes up and down, stop dead in your tracks. See how it makes him feel!! Think long and hard though, because while it could turn over positive results it could also be risky because it could cause him to "fight back" by doing the same thing. But hey, he's already doing that, right?!
My latest concern is that my boyfriend wants to go visit his cousin out of state for the weekend. His cousin's wife has these friends... needless to say they are certainly not Nuns! Do I need to go into detail?? Anyway, I can't go because I have to work on Sunday. But he wants to go. I am sick to my stomach over this now because all I can think about is that these girls will spend the night at his cousin's house... and there aren't many beds to go around!!
I am torn apart too, Cookie. Just try and hang in there and think positive thoughts. About how great he is, and about the fact that you ARE making improvement! Best wishes.

 
Old 11-17-2004, 06:16 PM   #5
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Rose, I dont know what to tell you. I would be freaking if that was my hubby trapped with tramps all weekend! And i dont say this to make you feel worse. Honestly, its b/c i dont trust his wandering eyes. I dont need my husband constantly checking out other women.............and with no control if i wasnt around. Oh no, i would get out of work on sunday, or find a way to postpone the visit for when i was able to go.
As for your reply, you do make many valid points. I do thank God that my hubby is good to me (in every other way) and he truly loves me and i love him. But it seems that when these things happen, it doesnt matter if he handed me a million bucks, I would still wonder why he continues to hurt me.
Oh, i have done the male-starring before, but it was too late. It was after many arguements and he summed up "Youre just doing it to prove a point, you're not like that". And i am not. Not to say i dont appreciate a good looking man, i mean, i am not Hitler, i am simply saying that when he does it, it all feels dirty and kills me to no end.
Let me know what happens with Jem and the Misfits (ahahaha)

 
Old 11-17-2004, 06:35 PM   #6
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Lol! I actually just talked to him and I don't think he's going to go. I made sure I sounded disappointed like I would miss him all weekend, and reminded him of the things we have to do this weekend and he is 90% sure he's not even going to go. But if he does, I think it will be over. No joke. I am at my wits end, and I don't have much faith left in this relationship. I have one foot out the door because all this pain and suffering isn't worth it.
With marriage, it's different. You two have a commitment to each other to help each other out through tough times. He vowed to honor you. Where is his honor? Ask him that! You might even make him feel really guilty if you say it in a way that suggests he is violating his marriage vows! Really let him know that his wife, the one he promised to love and keep forever, the one who agreed to give her life to him, is suffering and crying inside because of something HE is doing!! What is so hard for him to understand??? I don't care what it is, if something I was doing was tearing out the heart of the man I married, I would cease and desist immediately!! No questions asked!
You are not being unreasonable. You are going through something very difficult and you need him to help you fix this. This is where he shows you what he's made of.
As for my man, I truly don't have the strength anymore. I'd feel so guilty ending things with him because I'm not even giving him a chance to help me with this. He doesn't know a thing about these thoughts. I refuse to even give him the opportunity to rise to the occasion because I am so certain he won't. That's got to mean he's not the one.

 
Old 11-17-2004, 06:40 PM   #7
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

But how can you do that to yourself, what if he is the one and you didnt give him the opportunity to want to understand and help you? When you reply to my posts, you sound very grounded, and rational, so i think you should talk to your b/f. Just try it, see if he is shocked, or if he had some sort of idea about this problem.
I wouldve hung myself if i didnt tell my hubby about this. No, that was never an option,my feelings are too strong on this subject.
Yes, i have reminded my husb.of our vows and he belives he is doing nothing to betray me and he keeps repeating he will do anything humanly possible to help me overcome this.
When is that day coming for me?

 
Old 11-17-2004, 06:47 PM   #8
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

When he says he will do anything to help you, ask him to name a few things he's done recently to help you. That should get him thinking about the things he HASN'T done, and worse even, the things he's done to make it harder on you. When he can't think of anything, clearly lay out all the things you mentioned in your very first post on this thread (all the lies, all the times you've caught him lying and how it lowes your trust level in him, and all the times you catch him checking out other women, the nude playing cards, all that). Maybe he just needs some perspective. Maybe he honestly thinks he's helping you! Do everything you can to make it clear to him that he's NOT. Men aren't very perceptive of these things.

I honestly don't think I care enough about the relationship to talk to him about this. That's actually how I've always felt in this particular relationship. When I've had things on my mind, or there was an issue, the first person I run to is my best friend or my sister. Never him. And they tell me to talk to him about it and openly communicate with him, but I always just shrug it off like "eh..". I would rather give up than deal with talking to him about things. I can't believe how awful that sounds. I've never listened to myself say things like that!! Maybe I have a true fear about telling him what's on my mind.

 
Old 11-17-2004, 07:24 PM   #9
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Look do you love your husband i guess you do since he is your husband there had to be something there that clicked the thing is if you love him the you should excepts his vaults and love him no matter what. But if he hits you then thats something different get him locked up for couple months and hell straighten up excpectially when he becomes someones ***.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 06:37 PM   #10
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Smartcookie HB User
Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Cowguy22, i appreciate your input, and i do accept his faults (he has many others, as do I ) however this is not just something that irritates me, like him not closing the toothpaste tube. No, this is something more, its an emotional disturbance, a sickening feeling that seems to lasts forever, that is the reason for my pleading for answers and help. If i thought i could kick this in one week, believe me, it would have been gone IONS ago. I still do try my mightiest, but one cannot win when someone keeps stepping on you. Understand?
For the record, my husband has NEVER ever hit me! Not even threatened, or dreamed about it! That is the last of my worries, he is not that type of guy. He gets angry, but I fear i get angrier than him, and our abuse is more mental (some say that is worse) but its not to the point where its intentional and we stay together to hurt eachother. There is no other man for me on this earth & my husband says the same about me.
Nevertheless, we struggle with this problem.

LittleRose, i am back to you. I have explained many many times that he seems to not be hepling at all, that when he is making 'progress' shall-we-say that something stupid happens and it all goes down the drain and we are at square one. Its like we start from scratch almost. And i do from time to time bring up all the old **** that has happened between us and it drives him insane. He says lets deal with this, not with what happened 4 years ago or whatever. But to me, what happened today, is LINKED to the behaviour of what happened 4 years ago and in my mind, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW AND IN THE FUTURE. THis is the problem, the fear.

I am sorry that you feel that way about your b/f. If that is the case, may i suggest , please end it now and save your sanity. Dont give yourself ulcers over whether or not today is the day you will catch him cheating on you. You seem to have made up your mind, on how much you care for this guy, and if what you wrote is accurate, then LIttleRose, its time to take care of LIttleRose. Heal yourself first, before you go absolutely nuts.
Again, thanks for your replies....i am always waiting.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 06:57 PM   #11
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Hey Cookie
I have been back and forth all day on this issue. Even last night after I posted, all I wanted to do when I got to his house was talk to him about how I couldn't be with him anymore because I didn't like the person I am turning into when I'm with him. But I couldn't because I had told him I'd bring him to drop his car off at the dealership for a repair this morning. If I break it off with him, it can't be when we have an errand to run the next day. I've got to just be able to get up and leave the house afterwards.
It's so hard though because a huge part of me is saying "NO, do NOT destroy something good in your life over this. OVERCOME this." I want the strength to fight the devil in my head, I just don't know where to look for it. Talking to him about it seems like it's not the answer. I just can't see it ever happening. I see it as if I do talk to him about it, by the end of the conversation one of us will have ended the relationship. And I'm just not 100% sure that's what I want to do right now. There are times when I just feel so happy and safe with him and I KNOW he is a good guy and I KNOW he won't cheat or be dishonest. I just want a normal mind, a normal life, a normal relationship. I want to enjoy my time with him, each and every minute. Because he IS great. I'm so scared. And in pain. My anxiety/OCD kicked in extra early today. It usually starts around 2 or 3pm, like clockwork. Today it came on at around 12, which made it very hard for me to concentrate at work. Don't you wish there was a miracle pill we could take to make this stop???
I'm thinking of trying Kava Kava. I've heard it's great for anxiety. And I know that my anxiety causes my OCD. No question. I'll probably end up picking up a bottle tomorrow afternoon. I will let you know if it helps me at all.
Until later...
Rosie

 
Old 11-18-2004, 07:23 PM   #12
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

LittleRose, if you admit he is a great guy, DONT let him go. Look, in this world, good 'people' seem to be rare (not to be pessimistic) but it seems society is going down the drain. SO if you honestly in your heart feel he is a good guy, you OWE him the explaination and honesty of telling him what is going on. If he were suffering from some sort of ailment, would you want him to hide it from you, or give you the chance to help and understand, or simply, to KNOW about it? Please, consider telling this fellow. I know i would slay myself or my man if i kept all this inside.
Just like alcoholics, until you SAY it to another,that you have this problem (and not only us on this board) it is a step in the right direction.
Please consider telling him something about your OCD. You dont have to launch into a full-fledged detailed account of every thought youve ever had, but introduce the notion that you have this problem.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 08:31 PM   #13
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

I think maybe I have just found the answers that I am looking for. I too am dealing with the exact thoughts and feelings about my boyfriend. Our relationship is really starting to suffer, bec I have become obsessed with the fact that he oogled at other women in the past( and I compare myself to them) bec I think that his eyes should be on me oogling over me.... I'm not a complete dog. I have caught him talking to women online, looking at porn ( in front of me) and when I ask him for an explanation as to why he has to hurt me, he says " I never meant to", or " I wasn't thinking"... I know how you feel when you say you are about to throw in the towel. I've went as far as making him remove all of the women on his friends list, in his email, and not watching porn. Even after all of this, I am still ranting and raving and about to leave. He has apologized and promised to treat me better.. but he keeps doing the same thing.. looking at women. I've become a terrible person because of all of it. Its not really about him looking at them.. its the fact that he has the thought to look at them, whats stopping him from touching them? We don't do anything together anymore and I know its because he is tired of being accused all of the time.. not even t.v., its come to that. Yes, my boyfriend has lied to me, and has done so more than once. When I ask him why he lies to me, he says that its because I get him all flustered and he can't think straight... which makes me more ANGRY.
I have been accused of being jealous, paranoid, selfish and yes, even controlling. I cannot help myself....
So he's stopped doing the things that have hurt me and I am still hurt by the past.. we are now fighting about what he has done to me.. I blame him for my insanity, if he only hadn't hurt me like he did.. only if he hadn't ruined my trust in him then maybe we wouldn't be in the place that we are in now. I am still hurt and still angry.. whenever I see a half-dressed woman on televison and he may not be in the room, I still feel hurt because I know he likes looking at that kind of thing.. and I take it out on him. I only wish I had more wisdom to help.. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way..sometimes it helps if we all can pull together for support.
Take Care

 
Old 11-19-2004, 11:18 PM   #14
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Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smartcookie
I am assuming marich101 is male. I have no comments for what you said.
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?
Thank you for showing your respect and keeping your comments to yourself. Making the assumption that I was male was incorrect, basically just a kindhearted female who made a wrong turn and ended up on the wrong board and commenting on something I knew nothing about. Sorry if I offended any one will be more careful in the future.
Thanx
Marilyn

 
Old 11-20-2004, 08:25 AM   #15
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Smartcookie HB User
Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

faerie25, thank you for your comments,and yes, it does wonders to know that others are out there with the same problem (not that i am happy that you have this problem!).
I hope you continue to post on this thread and help out myself, LittleRose and yourself thru sharing views, feelings, emotions, and fears.
LittleRose, i must admit, i've never heard of Kava Kava, but also, i would live to control this OCD on my own, with out the use of any chemicals, drugs, or whatever. I mean, i've had it probably longer than 5 years, and have done without, so, that is like a last resort.
BUt please let me know if it helps you at all, its something to consider in future, should this all be the same a year or 2 from now...............

 
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