leonna

ok,i have been told to keep a diary,of my thoughts,and stuff.i am going to post some entrys down here,and..well,i just wanna know if any of you think the same at all. or..well if im purely psychotic.

26th jan.
So,my doctor said i should write my feeling's down in a diary. today was kinda ok,i went to the news agents,and i got this make up magazine which i wanted for ages,but i didnt wanna get it,coz i dreamt i got it,and so i thought if i did get it,something bad would happen 2 me,i forced myself to get it tho.Then i was watching meet the parents,and i got an urge to check my breasts to make sure i didnt have cancer,and i had to keep doing it,i done it about 5 time's! then,the school alarm went of *just for you lot on here,my dads a caretaker of a school*and mum said to ignore it,so i thought ''what if mum is getting someone 2 burgle the school'' 'cos she said to ignore it,and she didnt usally.then dad went up to the school to turn it off as it wouldnt shut up,and i worried incase mum got someone 2 kill him,and i knew she wouldnt and i knew it was stupid,but i still worried.
also i keep worrying incase i dont lov my mum,but i know i do,but then,when i just wrote i do,i worried incase i dont really. its so annoying. i wish it would go away. its so ****ed up,and scary.anyway of to bed,will write back 2moro with more worrys!!

26th jan
today has been ****..i feel ill and i keep feeling so anxious.
my cat was being sick again this morning,i told dad and he joked ''maybe you should just kill her'' *for the readers on this board,he is always joking,he didnt mean it!* but i panicked incase i would.
its getting so lame!
Johns here,and im worried incase i get ill yet again,and faint. and again im worried incase i have breast cancer.
i feel sick.
ive still not had a period,and im not losing weight very well! anyway,im going to go finish watching this film in a min,but first...

List of worrys*ones i can think of at the top of my head*
1.harming someone
2.going mad
3.losing controll
4.health
5.harming myself
6.something bad happening.
7.dying
8.feeling like nothings real
9. getting ill
10.fainting
11.if ive done something wrong,or if i do something wrong
12. guilt
13. supersticious.
*that was all i could think of at that moment*
Gone </3

29th jan
why do i worry none stop? so annoying. my mum and dad have 2 always look after kevins kids,and rhias here so basically they work 7days a week, i worry incase they have a nervous break down or something,also,kevin is moody today so im worried incase he starts. and,i worry incase i like my parents and him arguing.
i dont tho! so why do i think i do? and i worry incase i smile if and when they argue.
there is just so much tention and stress most of the time.
i do love keving,but it gets so much,jess*dog* is up here cos dads doing the bathroom and shes annoying everyone.
i feel ill.
and i think i kinda like being ill,its just..i dunno! i dont like being ill as such,but,im ill alot so it dont bother me as much,and when im ill,i can be lazy.lol.
nah i dunno.
the other night mum went down to toliet,and i thought ''oh **** off'' but i love my mum and so i dont know why i thought it,and im worried about it. im mental,i swear i am.

30th jan.
im selling all my buffys on ****,i bet they dont even sell. for some reason i won't watch bad boys or video like it,coz it has violance in and i worry incase i will hurt someone,its so lame and pathetic,i know . i obsess over lame things. i wish it would get better!!

6th feb
i just saw a full length picture of myself! and my god,im massive,i look about 20stone!so thats on my mind now.

10th feb
dads been out since 11:50 its now 15:40 he was meant to be going to take keving somewhere.
ive tryed ringing kev but no answer.
so im worried,incase something bad has happend and i know im being silly,but then i worry incase i wouldnt get upset if something bad did happen.but i love my dad! i shouldnt be thinking like this,i feel sick,i feel like i should be locked up 'cos i have such nasty thoughts. i must be a bad person, i mean im thinking,when he does get back,what if im not happy 2 see him. what if i want something bad to happen. i hate this ****.
its driving me nuts. i love my family*even tho as i write this,something inside me says 'but what if u dont* so why do i worry incase i dont! why am i so messed up. what if this isnt ocd. what if i turn into some psycho. what if im just writing all this and im just pretending all this . its so so ****ed up! where is dad f.f.s!i wish he would hurry up! i feel dizzy and ****.
OH!!
he is back,kevin and the kids are here.
its hard enough having them here for 3 days,but 4 is even worse.
he had a little car crash but he is ok.
shouldnt be driving with drunk drivers! surely he should know that by now.i know its hard on him,having his sleeping problems and 2 kids,but he is nearly 30,and mum and dad have to do everything! i feel ill.

14th feb*today*

God my ocd is getting worse * IF IT IS THAT *
alana *sister* sent me a text asking me to get my mum to ring her,her coil fell out! i did,of course! but then i thought,what if i hadnt of botherd,what if i didnt care. i do! but i thought well what if i dont.
i texted her to make sure she was ok*even tho i worried incase i didnt care! BUT I DO! I SWEAR I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( *and her husband replyed saying she was asleep .
then i just thought,what if i turn into a psycho killer,then what if i didnt love any of my family,what if i was lying to myself,what if as im writing this,its all a lie. what if im pretending it all. what if im really an evil mental cold hearted person. im so scared,i dunno what to do,i really dont!



There you go.i just needed to get it all down,and out.
im so scared,i dunno how long i can cope with this anymore.