Hi everyone, this is my first post on here.
I joined healthboards and Im really glad I did. It's good reading through all the sories about other people and their problems that are simulair to mine. It helps knowing that Im not alone with this....here's my problem. (forgive me for it being so long)
It started in November 2004 one night lying in bed. Im 24 and my parents are almost 60. I am very close to them and l love them dearly. They are both very healthy. But this one night I just thought about them dying and how I'd feel about it. It would destroy me because I can think off all the fun things we've done together and the thought that I cant say I love them or even see them anymore really bugs me. But thats a normal thing with everyone. My problem started once I realized that they are very healthy and hopefully still have a good 20-25 years left. But then my mind switched and I thought that I could just go downstairs, grab a knife and stab them and then they'd be gone. I wouldn't have to wait 20 years, I could wait 5 min. Now I ralized that thats the dumbest thing I have ever thought of and I would NEVER do it so I fell asleep and everything was ok.
Then a few days later I was downstairs and there was a lagre knife on the counter beside my mother and I had the image of me stabbing her with it. Once again, I would never do it and I passed the thought easliy. But day in and day out these thoughts kept coming back and I had to keep throwing them away.
But now I find after I read something in the paper that I start to analize it more. Ex. Some guy in Europe gouged his eyes out. So I used to obbsess about doing it. I went to see my doctor and he gave me Zoloft 200mg/day and that helped so much that after a while I stoped taking them. And I was fine for maybe 2 months when just this week, some guy, with mental problems way worse then OCD, actually killed his parents. Then boom, the thoughts came back. They are not as intense as before but they are back. (Images of my parents and dealth)
How common is this...these kind of thoughts? It seems like they are and I love the book Brain Lock, I had a copy from the library for a long time.
Can anyone relate to my 'novel' I just wrote? Thanks a ton for reading!
P.S. I just bought some St Johns Wart to help with the anxiety this causes. I heard it helps becuase I really don't want to go back on Zoloft.