I joined healthboards and Im really glad I did. It's good reading through all the sories about other people and their problems that are simulair to mine. It helps knowing that Im not alone with this....here's my problem. (forgive me for it being so long)
It started in November 2004 one night lying in bed. Im 24 and my parents are almost 60. I am very close to them and l love them dearly. They are both very healthy. But this one night I just thought about them dying and how I'd feel about it. It would destroy me because I can think off all the fun things we've done together and the thought that I cant say I love them or even see them anymore really bugs me. But thats a normal thing with everyone. My problem started once I realized that they are very healthy and hopefully still have a good 20-25 years left. But then my mind switched and I thought that I could just go downstairs, grab a knife and stab them and then they'd be gone. I wouldn't have to wait 20 years, I could wait 5 min. Now I ralized that thats the dumbest thing I have ever thought of and I would NEVER do it so I fell asleep and everything was ok.
Then a few days later I was downstairs and there was a lagre knife on the counter beside my mother and I had the image of me stabbing her with it. Once again, I would never do it and I passed the thought easliy. But day in and day out these thoughts kept coming back and I had to keep throwing them away.
But now I find after I read something in the paper that I start to analize it more. Ex. Some guy in Europe gouged his eyes out. So I used to obbsess about doing it. I went to see my doctor and he gave me Zoloft 200mg/day and that helped so much that after a while I stoped taking them. And I was fine for maybe 2 months when just this week, some guy, with mental problems way worse then OCD, actually killed his parents. Then boom, the thoughts came back. They are not as intense as before but they are back. (Images of my parents and dealth)
How common is this...these kind of thoughts? It seems like they are and I love the book Brain Lock, I had a copy from the library for a long time.
Can anyone relate to my 'novel' I just wrote? Thanks a ton for reading!
P.S. I just bought some St Johns Wart to help with the anxiety this causes. I heard it helps becuase I really don't want to go back on Zoloft.
Last edited by ocbusdriver; 03-19-2005 at 03:49 PM.
The thoughts you speak of are very common. Much more common than you would ever think. I suffer from the types of thoughts you describe, but instead of my parents, it's my young children. I also have obsessions from reading something in the paper or on tv. I analyze myself trying to make sure I won't do such a thing. I have cut back on the newspaper reading and on the news on tv. It has helped a great deal. Sounds to me like you have a classic case of ocd. The intrusive thoughts may be scary and make you feel guilty, but you are alright. Everyone has these thoughts. It's just that people like us, with ocd, get stuck on the thought and can't let go. My husband has admitted to having some of the same thoughts as me. He doesn't have ocd and can brush them off almost before even realizing he's having them. So, you are not as abnormal as you think. And, you are definitely not alone in this. Take care....
Hey, thanks a lot for your reply. It made me feel a lot better. Yesterday was a bad day with my OCD but after hangout out with my fiancee at night, they almost disappeared. I got home and went to bed and everything was fine. When I woke up, I didnt have thoughts but anxiety was really eating me up. I couldn't fall back asleep. I took a StJohns Wart and everything seems to have calmed down.
I read on here somewhere that OCD may flare up for a week or so every once in a while. It may not permanitly stay, but once in a while you have a bad week and thats when it hits you. Does anyone else feel that way?
ok this is my first time on this site and i really need some advice! im on 60mg of prozac and im doing Cognitive behavior therapy. my obsessions arre the purely obsessional kind, meaning i dont have compulsions to carry out really. i keep obsessing over my feelings for my boyfriend. it started when i was 16 and been datin someone for 7 months when all of a sudden i got the thought "i dont love him", which resulted in an electric jolt of anxiety followed by 3 months of daily analyzing and evaluating. my brain would go back and forth like a ping pong ball, do i love him or not? needless to say that relationship ended, and about a year later i met someone else who ive currently been with for 3 years now. yet every year i get this same fear with my current bf. the first time we broke up for 3 months and i couldnt even talk to him it made me so nervous. i would say things like 'ill call u 2morrow' and then panic because what if i didnt really want to? this anxiety has resulted in me feeling derealization and depersonalization to the point where i feel akward around my bf sometimes, almost like im overwhlemed by the reality of our relationship. i feel like i have split personalities, like the person i am with these OCD thoughts isnt the same person who was enjoying her relationship. does anyone relate to this???? i have read quite a few posts of people with relationship obsessions, can anyone help! I think things like :
im staying with him for emotional security - i just dont want to be alone - im staying with him because it would hurt too much to move on - im just in denial - if im thinking this i must not love him - im so young how do i know he is the one - im just using this as an excuse for not wanting to leave etc etc etc !!!
when i am not going through and OCD period i feel fine with my bf, we laugh and talk and i am genuinly content with our relationship. but when the anxiety kicks in i feel like i really never loved him. how can i be two different people like this? can someone pls give me advice on how to maintain my relationship... we've been together 3 years and i fell in love the second i saw him, and i felt we had a connection that was out of this world. How could i feel such an emotion but then feel like i dont love him and im just denying it to myself? please help!!!
oh man this sounds just like how it all started with me.. i was laying on the couch one night watching TV and just had this thought pop in my head about hurting my wife.. it scared the crap out of me and i couldnt shake it once it was in there i felt so bad about it because its not like me at all.. i love my wife and would never hurt her.. but for some reason this thought wouldnt let go.. i also have had those bad thoughts flash in and out now and then when i would see a knife or any object that could hurt someone sitting around.. it even got to the point that i was about to remove all objects like that out of our house just to be safe.. ( this was before i knew i had OCD) once i started going to the Dr. they did die down alot because i knew i wasnt going crazy but i started getting alot of anxiety because of it ( worring what if the dr. is wrong and such) but yeah i also have problems watching/reading things in the news because i will start thinking what if it happens to me.. i know in the back of my mind the chances are so remote its not worth worring about but i still do.. so you not alone and yes it sucks... but def if you can start going to a Dr. you feel comfortable with for behavioral therapy.. i have been going for awhile now without the aid of meds and it does help.. it wont happen over night and you will have your good days and bad days but in time it will get better.
i've read these stories a thousand times. but it seems like every time i read them i get something different than other people do. they always end up saying "i'd never do this but i don't know why the thoughts keep appearing". well for me i'm too scared to even say i wouldn't do this. cause even when i think about saying that INSTANTLY a thought comes to me "well are you sure? what if you would? what if you would hurt someone you love?". sometimes a mental thought never even happens, well maybe it does, but it's so fast and instant of a thought there's no time to think about it and it results in just a big drop in my gut. does anybody else get too scared to even say i wouldn't do this or am i a freak and really want to act out on my actions?
i think the thoughts inside your head are just ocd if they aren't like audio outside voices. if they were it might be schizophrenia but if it's just voices that pop up inside your head that's ocd i think you should let your doctor know about that.
hey forget about this post...i put it on the wrong thread and cant figure out how to delete this so just disregard this post. i'm editing it right now and putting this here. on the other hand the post i made above this one IS about this thread. just wanted to clear that up
Well I started back on Zoloft on 6 days ago and already Im seeing a difference. I feel a lot better and the anxiety has dropped a lot too. Its not completly gone yet but its getting there. We all just have to stay strong.
Wow, I totally thought I was all alone in my feelings. I was even feeling suicidal because I thought I was a monster. Your story is very similar to mine and I want to thank-you for your courage and honesty. I feel a lot better.
When my OCD thoughts are very strong..I act them out in my mind....as if I actually will go through with it....it's called destimulization........it helps......it will scare you to death, but it helps to weaken the power of the thoughts.......remember they are only thoughts....
Something else that helps me is to pick up a knife and image the person your obsessing about is there beside you. You'll realize right away that you dont want to hurt them and then you'll put the knife down and you'll feel better instantly. I find that gives me plenty of relief when my OCD flares up, knowing that I would never act on any of those thoughts.