OCD or a need for reassurance?
I've been struggling with OCD for a long time, but I've never understood it. Sometimes I feel like I still don't. I've dealt with this problem over the years, but around high school, I finally was able to overcome it. Everything in my life felt managable and I have a lot of fond memories of school and college. However, during my junior year of college, I cut my arm. I've given up trying to find reasons why, maybe bravado, maybe low self-esteem, whatever. However, I believe this amplified my constant rumination about problems in my life. They have always been there, but after this event, they became, at times, uncontrollable. I used to always look for reassurance that things were okay from my family, but now it I realize it is up to me to help me, to reassure me.
The problem is, however, whenevery I reassure myself about problems that I find in my life, whenver they are really taken care of and I wonder why I worried about them in the first place, a creeping doubt whispers, "Are you sure? Is this all a facade?" Then slowly it starts over again until finally I reach the point where everything seems taken care of. Problem is, self-doubt usually shows up and tries to tear everything down.
What I am trying to figure out is, the things I worry about (and they are numerous) I haven't worried about before. It seems that I was able to put them in their place and recognize that the worries were just worries. Recently, I worry that whatever I worry about (my future, reality, self-confidence) is easily amplified to the point where I have to take a few hours out of my life and reanalyze everything. I still reach the conclusion where I realize that there is nothing to worry about. The only problem is, when I reach this area, I feel great; but the self-doubt always creeps back.
I am on Luvox and am also taking dietary supplements choline, inosotil, fish oil, and vitamin D. I also see my college therapist. I realize, however, that the only one who can help is myself. Maybe this is just a rant, but I really wonder whether or not this is OCD or just my need for reassurance which has been absent for a while.
Eh, sorry about the long post. There are times when I feel like my old self again which is a far cry from my darkest times. I guess I really just need to help myself, which is what I realized. Self-doubt be damned. I know that I am good enough and deserving of what life has to offer. I guess sometimes I just feel alone with my problems.
We can overcome this.