Hi I thought I would come back to this old post to save on writing another one!
Basically this obsession over cjd is getting so much worse that it is completely taking over my life 24/7 and affecting everything i do
I have two contradiciting obsessions with it- one that I will catch it, and another that I already am infected with it and can spread it to other people. And it switches in an instant from one to the other depending on the current situation. It has been bad lately but over the last weekend it just escalated. It started out when i noticed i was grinding my teeth at night and waking up with sore teeth, I convinced myself I had holes in my teeth which could leak and maybe my teeth could be infected with cjd and therefore if i shared food or drink or breathed or talked then i could spread it through saliva or through air particles. I became fixated on my teeth and they were permanantly sore but then i realised that this was impossible and that my teeth were not grund down at all so then i started to fixate my concerns onto a back tooth i have with a small hole at the side of it which has been there for about 10 years, i started to convince myself that maybe this hole could leak infection out and that by breathing or talking i could infect people
suddenly the old teeth that i was worried were ground down and felt uncomfortable to me, didnt feel uncomfortable anymore but now this back tooth felt uncomfortable instead, which in a way reminds me that it IS obsession and i am making myself have these feelings in my mouth, but still the ocd ALWAYS has to throw the little bit of doubt in there.
Anyway I went to the chemist to pick up some clove oil (in case know one knoes it numbs toothaches!) o I thought hmm maybe if i can numb it it will stop this tooth feeling uncomfortable because I am obsessing over it being infective. I suppose i was trying to fight the results of the obsession rather than the actual obsession itself or its causes! :S
So anyway, The next day after lots of excessive clove oil applications and putting a load of toothpaste in my mouth to try and detract from the problem of the tooth, i notice that my mouth and inner lips are all white and kinda swollen looking. Then i noticed that my skin was like peeling from the inside of my cheek and my lips were dry and peeling too
within an instant THAT became the new obsession- omg what if the insides of my cheeks are carrying the agent and now i have injured them by trying to fix theproblem and now i have just made it worse! etc etc etc
Its like for anyone who compulsive hand washes- you know when your hands feel contaminated and you just HAVE to wash them to get it away- its like that but with my mouth- and its really not nice and i KNOW whilst im doing it that im making things worse bacause the mouth is self cleaning and has a specific pH that it stays at to remain healthy and i am totally screwing the system all up! :S
So then it was like you know when you bite the inside of your cheek by accident when chewing and then you accidentally keep catching it again.. well it was like that but on both sides of my mouth at the bottom, so i was soo uncomfortable in work because i didnt want to breathe over people, because i have also convinced myself that infection could come out of my teeth/cheeks/wherever applicable and then i wud swallow it and then when i breathed it would breathe out with it from my throat :S i know i must sound totally crazy- im really not!!- usually anyway!!
Well this morning when i woke up it felt a lot better and i thought.. im REALLY going to try and get over this today.. so i got up and went to work same as normal and my mouth was still feeling a little sore but not feeling so 'contaminating' until i left the house and i could smell my cats food really strong and it makes me feel so sick, i have also convinced myself that cat food is contaminated and even by smellingit i could become infected.. so instantly i switched from being infected already to possibly becoming infected so then i was trying to detract from that and resist the urge to go and do my teeth again or something, so i had a quick drink of pepsi in my car and ate some mints- BIG mistake, i crucnhed the mints which then stabbed the bottom of my gum again and madeit bleed so that started me off for the day again! i went to the shops anyway to buy some juice and food for work, felt v uncomfortable in the shop due to my potential infective bleeding mouth.
Got to work and felt a little better after having something to eat and some oj.
Then the guy i work for comes in, stands behind me and breathes out really heavily, well i HATE that and that set me off again thinking that i could catch it from the air
as the day went on though i kept switching between worrying about having it and worrying about getting it.
as soon as i got home i could smell the cats food even stronger and was nearly sick, opened all the windows and went upstairs to do my teeth and have another shower as i felt dirty because i had breathed over my clothes- if i was someone else reading this it would probably sound really amusing because it must seem so unbelievable and even typing it now im thinking what am i doing?! but at the time when im constantly battling against these thoughts in my head its really really horrible!
Anyway after my shower i got out determined that i was gonna get this sorted and STOP following the stupid compulsions that are just making the obsessions worse and vice versa.
So tonight i was feeling a lot happier about things and then my mum offered to make me tea so i said ok, i got some chicken out and put it on a tray and she said do u want some chips and then put her hand in the bag of frozen chips and pulled a load out. I started panicking because i had seen she had put the cats food bowl into soak in the utility room sink, then i remembered she had just washed a dish in the normal kitchen sink so was like oh phew thats ok then. so i ate dinner and then started to panic again cos i was like hmm mum must of picked up the cats dish and then washed it in the utility sink and left it on the side to dry, so she must of then dried her hands, from when she had her hands in the water from soaking the cats bowl, on the tea towel which she then washed her hands in the kitchen sink when she cleaned that dish and then she dried her hands on the tea towel again and so it is contaminated!! etc etc starting panicking again
went upstairs-did my teeth- AGAIN and this time nicked my gum- only a tiny little mark but felt quite sore, then i felt annoyed with myself again because i started worrying that my GUMS could be infected.
So i started searching on the internet for information about gums being possibly infective and all i did find was an article saying that some body had suggested that people transmittd the disease through small cuts in the tongue-which i have from when i brushed my teeth earlier as i brushed my tongue also- and it also said that other people have suggested that transmission is through small cuts or lesions in the gums and that it only takes tiny amounts of the agent to infect somebody.
i also read that it could possibly be caught through the throat when people have sore throats, and i also have a sore throat :'(
at first i tried to reassure myself about the cats bowl being washed out and thought hmm.. surely though the cjd agent would actually be a part of the meat and therefore stay in any traces of meat in the water but then im thinking but maybe not, maybe the particles can come loose and float around in the water and go on my mums hands and be transferred to other places!
Well, not only was i panicking already about the thought of my mum washing the cats bowl and getting the cjd agent on her hands from the water and tehn possibly carrying it across to the tea towel or the kitchen sink but then i also read that! when i have newly self caused injuries both on my tongue and my gum, i just feel like maybe i am MEANT to get it now, its like trust me to be so obsessed about having it or catching it and then actually get it by trying to prevent it or trying to prevent other people from getting it.
So now i just feel really really down and have convinced myself that i probably have infected myself now and i am wishing that i had resisited the urge to scrub and rinse my mouth out etc
So i feel really angry with myself and angry with anyone that tries and talks to me as it makes me feel uncomfortable and i constantly feel moody and irritable.
There is a possibility that this exagerrated worrying has come on recently because i am due to start my period anyday soon and am feeling much more hormonal and depressive than normal pmt, but i dunno.
Anyway, thats basically it, i know it must sound ridiculous, in all the time i have dalt with ocd problems i never dreamt anything could be as excessive and debilitating as this
its completely changing my life and i dont feel like the same chatty and happy person i used to be
I just wish right now i could go back to the way i used to be and enjoy my life again, even with the occasional ocd attacks!
I know i should go see my doctor but im a) scared of having this on my medical records as i have family that work in the hospital and have access to my records, b) because i have no idea wot to expect but i imagine it would be a long drawn out diagnostic process whereas i would want pills right there and then so i could just take them and not go back until i needed to and c) the idea of being in a crowded waiting room fills me with dread
and d) trying to get an appointment they r like sorry, u have to ring between half 8 and 9 to get an appt, u'll have to ring 2moro, so u do and its engaged the whole time til gone 9 and then they say the same thing!! its ridiculous!
i dont know what to do