burninator

where do i start?

i speak from personal experience. i have at least 10 years on you, so i also have a great deal of insight/hindsight/whaticouldashouldadonesight.
ok i know what you are going through; it might seem like no one could ever be in as much emotional pain as you feel right now, but it's more common than you might think.

here's a short list of must do's for you to get started on, in no particular order (they all rank a #1):

DUMP YOUR THERAPIST
i had a very long struggle finding a decent therapist (i've been in therapy 15+ years, with a stint at a mental hospital for severe depression), and you aren't going to begin to heal if your therapist is a jackass. is he taking notes? only good therapists take notes, i don't care how good he thinks his memory is ("the strongest memory is not as strong as the weakest ink"-Confucious). if you have to keep seeing him while you try to find a new therapist, confront him. ask him why he says the things that make you angry: what info about you is he drawing from, or is it mere speculation? saying you have 'lots of issues' is about as insightful as saying 'water is wet'; you know you have issues. i've never met you and i know you have issues. it's resolving the issues that is important, or at least learning how to cope with them.
consider a female therapist/counsellor, as this might improve your ability to communicate and feel more comfortable with females.

CONSIDER NEW MEDICATION
i've been on zoloft (and prozac, and xanax, and paxil...you name it i've probably been on it..i'm what's known as 'treatment resistant') the only thing that has ever really worked long term is Effexor (venlafaxine hcl xr). if you are taking anything to help you sleep, that might be why you are in bed until 3pm. remember it's up to you if you want to take meds or not, don't let your doc bully you into taking them if you really don't want to. if you think meds are an option, there are plenty of things that you can try. if your doc is trying to get you on luvox, i'd ask for (read: demand) a second opinion. unfortuneately you need to try something on a consistent dosage for 3+ weeks to really know if it's helping.

ERASE CONTACT
i know how hard this is, because you are just dying to know what your former gf is up to, looking for anything that suggests there might be another chance; erase (and block) her and her friends from your IM list; no, i didn't say block them (so that they don't know you know they are online), i said ERASE THEM; this is hard, but once you get used to it, quite liberating. i used to have an ex that would do that same suggestive IMing, and i would think 'hey...maybe we've got a shot here...' but it's a game. nothing quite like a little ego stroking from someone she knows adores her. refuse to play the game. if she IM's you: be polite, but indifferent, and keep it brief.
there's not too much you can do about living so close, but DO NOT drop by. i know how tempting it is to pass by her house on the way home, but FORCE yourself to keep a one-block distance from her house at all times (here's a trick: run the extra distance you have to travel...imagine your feelings for her pulling away from you, the farther away from her house you get; hokey? ok maybe a little lol)

SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS
as long as they aren't mocking you, or have this habit of being where your ex happens to be, increase your social life. really look at the girls around you. if you see one you think is cute: just remember there is life after what's-her-name. it took me a while, but i eventually realized that i wasn't in love with my ex, i was in love with the idea of my ex. when i really started to hear what my ex said to me, and took a step back from the situation, i realized that this person was...well...rather annoying. here's your first clue: she knows you still care about her, and she won't reciprocate, yet she still makes suggestive comments to you on occasion. that's not just wrong, dude, that's mean spirited. like i said, don't play the game. you've been honest, now learn what you can from the experience and leave the rest behind. if i were you, i think i would want the girl of my dreams to care about me as much as i care about her....

TAKE A DIRECTION
are you going back to school in the fall? unless you are licensed in some sort of skilled trade, go back to school. if you think you can put it off for a couple of years....yeah that's what i did....now i keep getting mistaken for a teacher. not so cool. it's ok to have a dead end job and still live with your parents as long as it's getting you somewhere (ie living at home and saving on rent while going to school is pretty *** awesome). living at home when you are 30+ and staying there because it's convenient, because you are waiting for the 'perfect place' (and making excuses as to why you need to stay in the nest), that's just lame. (and no that's not me, but it is someone i know, unfortunatly).

GET A HOBBY
ok this sounds cliche, but it seems as though you are pretty high strung, or have a lot of energy. i envy you. use that energy and take up painballing, or boxing, or basketball, or whatever it is that you like. i know you probably just feel like lying in bed all day, wallowing in your own self pity (hell, sometimes i STILL want to do that) but make plans that you won't be able to cancel at the last minute, to get you out of the house. you might hate it in the beginning, but it is essential to moving your thoughts on to bigger and better things.

NOW GET CRACKING!!!
that's all for now.
best of luck, keep me posted.
B.