I_M_Scared

Hi. I posted in the Anxiety board, and someone there said I sounded like I have OCD.
I hope someone can help me, as my name says, I am very scared.
Firstly, I am 31, female and single with no kids. I was married once and have been in a monogamous 6 year relationship as of now.
I can also admit I was molested at the age of around 5 years. That was a one time occurence that only occasionally bothered me. In fact, I felt almost triumphant at the fact of how much it did not bother me.
All of my life, I have been a worrier. You name it, I was afraid of it.
Some examples: I shared a cola with a friends mom and worried all night I now had AIDS.
When my breasts were developing, I feared I had Cancer.
Every lump, bump whatever is Cancer (fueled in part to my mom dying of lung cancer when I was 22)
Fear that when a friend of mine skipped school when we were in high school, I would be held responsible and forsaw the entire trial in my head.
I also have panic attacks that make my heart race and an overwhelming fear of dying. This is not helped by the added problems of my actually having a bad form of arthritis that requires special meds with their own side effects.
Worry worry worry......
Anyway, the latest problem has been the worst of them all....
About two months ago, I was studying for exams as I had finally returned to college.
There was a program on in the background about sex and harming kids...with news breaks about Michale Jackson to boot....Since that time, my mind whirls with these things. The cycle kind of goes like this:
Hearin a trigger-a news clip, CSI, Law and Order-andy tv program...thoughts begin to pop into my head. Like hearing a song you can't get out of your head.
Then, I start to think, "Why am I so obsessed with this? Am I going to hurt someone?"
Then the gut retching fear that because these horrible thoughts are in my head, that must mean something. Then the guilt starts. I am a bad person. I can't be trusted around kids. I am horrible.
I am terrified if I hug my nephew, people will think I touched him innapropriately and I will be branded as a child molester.
After a few days, this cycle will subside. Then I think clearly and almost laugh at how silly I was to ever question myself.
Then, like a few nights ago, I read a magazine where a girl was talking about sexual abuse from a nun, and I panicked for almost 4 hours. I started reliving every moment of the last few days wondering if I have done something horribel. What other people will think of me. Again, I can almost see a courtroom trial and my being sent off to jail

I have not done anything wrong. What is going on?? This is ruining my life. I am beginning to see what people mean about social anxiety. I feel that if I just stay home and only watch sitcoms and cartoons, I will be okay and not hurt anyone.
I am also terrified that because I wrote this horrible thing out, that it will be used against me in my obsessive court room dramas.

I see my doctor on 6/6/05. I am going to get a refferal to a pdoc who specializes in what I am sure is OCD/anxiety/panic disorder.

I guess I should also throw it out there that I a very overweight woman who eats to cope. I have a fear of being thin and having men hit on me. I am trying to overcome this. I have health issues because of my size that would all but fo away if I was noramlly sized. I have even considered the gastric bypass as a last resort.
The doctor I am going to (hopefully) get reffered to specializes in weight problems too.