amilooney

My son was just recently diagnosed with ocd. I have relized that some of his symthoms I can relate to. My mother always said I needed to see doctor about being bi-poler.. but I never felt that was a problem. Alot of his symthoms does sound like things I do. except his is much more severe.. So I need to make sure that we both get the help we need. Maybe understanding what is wrong with me will help me help him. I cant sleep at night. I have to take sleeping pills to help me go to sleep..( my mind rambles on things I HAVE to get done and I dwell on them ALL night long). During the day I keep myself busy at work (which I HAVE to have everything up and organinzed befor my shift or I have a horriable day, I break down, and cry, panick I guess) or at home I stay busy with the house or on the net to not think about to much about other things. I cant just sit and be quite. I will focus on a sound.. and count how many times it makes that sound. Or driving down the road.. I will count telephone post... mile markers... or pick a color of a car and count how many of those I pass.(usaully red or white)
I am not affraid to get dirty. That does not bother me.. or to have my house dirty.. (its like my safe zone where I feel I can let things go) but outside of my home.. EVERYTHING has to be done a certain way.. or I feel out of control.. is that signs of ocd? Sometimes when I feel out of control I have thoughts of dieing.. Its not often. Just in tight moments when I feel there is nothing I can do. I have thought about overdosing about 6 years ago..when I was 14 I thought about cutting myself, AT 30 I thought about sitting in a path of a oncoming train (as I was sitting and waiting on one to pass). But I have never Really attempted to do these things. Each time I went to a doctor...They wanted me to see a phycologist.. but I do not have the money for such a thing. But these are the "out of the blue' thoughts I have at times. The no sleep thing is killing me. I am soo tired all the time. I have also abused drugs.. Meth(ice) and weed.. I have popped all kinds of pills. I either needed to stay awake or something to help me sleep. I have not take drugs for two years now. Have decided life was not worth it and it really did not help me anyway.. just caused more stress over the money it took from me. (I am very proud of myself of that. It was not easy but now I am not tempted at ALL). Now I just take unisom every night. Like two of them each time. It seems like for now it helps. But I know that soon, My body will adjust to that. But I have to have something so I can sleep... Or my mind will not be quite.. thinking of things I need to do for the next day and how I needed to make sure I do them. Am I crazy?? Is it poss. I have ocd.. and dont I need to fix it before I can help my son with his?? I am lost.. and do not know what to do.. any advice would be helpful. Oh yeah.. it if was not for God.. my husband.. (my now husband), my kids, or my mom.. I really think I would have tempted the above suicides.. I am soo thankful for them for giving me a reason to live. They keep me going. anyway.. sorry for the ramblings.. also good example pointed out my hubby last night. Went grocery shopping and I do this ALL the time. I have to have buggy neat and organized. Meats w/ meats.. cold foods together.. boxes...cans.. fruits/veggies...cleaning/non food items.. all together. At check out line. I perferr to bag myself as to keep these items like this for when I get home. My money as to be organized and facing all the same way. My dishes have to be washed a CERTAIN way. It if gets out of order.. (like hubby putting a pan in water while I am washing PLATES) it drives me crazy and I have to start over. silly things like that. So do you think I should get it checked out? Is this signs of ocd??