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-   -   OCD..this is my story and I really need help (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/310828-ocd-my-story-i-really-need-help.html)

will_j 08-02-2005 09:42 PM

OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
My name is Jay and I would first just like to thank everyone who reads and responds to this, I appreciate it a great deal. I'm about to turn 24 years old and OCD is destorying my life, and I've reached a point where I need some serious help. I guess I've had OCD since I was a child but never really understood it until recently.

When I was a young child I used to be obsessed with spots in my food, my mother used to have to take the time to explain very simple things to me like how certain things were just seasoning or how chicken looks different after it is grilled. As a child I just put the trust in my parents that they would never let harm come my way and I got over it. The only obsessive behavoirs I had after that point were very tiny things like making sure all of my music cd's were lined up straight and things like that, but I never really payed any attention to them because they never impacted my life all that much, I just looked at it as something I did and it just became a routine and then one day they were gone and I didn't care about them anymore.

My current problems began when I was 18 years old. I became afraid of germs. I stopped using public restrooms, hated touching door handles or knobs, stopped eating at restaurants, felt uncomfortable shaking peoples hands, and started washing my hands countless times per day. For instance if I sat down to make a sandwich I would have to un-tie the bag of bread then wash my hands, take out my slices of bread, then open up a pack of cold cuts and a jar of mayonaise re-wash my hands, make my sandwich and eat it then clean up and wash my hands once again. I found it a little annoying, but it made me feel safe and comfortable so I didn't mind, I just looked at it as part of a daily routine. During my first year of college I got involved in a serious relationship and all of a sudden my obsessive behavoirs went away. It was like one day I went from washing my hands 25+ times per day to not even worrying about it. I remember thinking about this and at the time I thought to myself I'm living with this woman, sleeping with this woman, spending 24hrs a day with her sharing everything. I figured any germs she had I was going to get. So I just basically lived like she did, a normal healthy lifestyle and didn't worry about eating out, opening a door, or washing my hands countless times per day.

For 2 years I was completely fine. I was in a realtionship, going to school, and working as a personal trainer. Then OCD started slowly creeping back into my life, but only in regards to washing my hands. I was washing my hands a minimum of 25 times per day, but I just dealt with it as a mild inconvenience and didn't think much of it. Totally unrelated to any OCD issue me and my girlfriend had an amicable breakup and for months everything was completely normal, all I did was wash my hands a lot. I was living a completely normal college life.

Then one day it was like OCD came back into my life like an avalanche and the avalanche has just been picking up speed everyday. I was of course still doing the hand washing and once again I stopped eating out and using public bathrooms. I've experienced all that before, but now more and more things began to frighten me. The best way for me to try and explain is to make a list of just a few examples so here goes......
1. I stopped shaking anyones hand even if I knew them my entire life, I became so worried about where peoples hands have been or if they had little cuts and scabs on them that were going to come into contact with me.
2. I couldn't even take a copy of the syllabus for any of my courses, I was afraid that as they were being passed around the classroom that someone had a cut or scab on their hand that was going to put germs on all of the papers.
3. I became so afraid of coming into contact with anyone especially their skin, if I was walking down a hall or sitting in a movie theatre and someone bumped into my jacket I would take it off and throw it away.
4. I could only shop at stores with self checkout lanes or online because I was so afraid of hand to hand money transactions.
5. I began using bleach and lysol so much that numerous times I almost passed out and the pain and burning in my lungs lasted for 2-3 days after I would clean. I ruined all of my furniture, walls, the inside of my car etc. I was at times spending $80-$100 on lysol every 3-4 days, I was spraying it on everything and anything I felt I touched and made dirty, for example if I came home from shop rite and had to open my door I would then have to spray my door handle.
......In addition to these things there were countless others which became more and more a part of my life and it seemed like they were multiplying everyday.

My life had become nothing more than one unbelievably stressful and frightening day after another. As a result I had to quit shcool, quit work, and move back into my parents home. I had ruined my apartment and possesions with lysol stains, thrown away or ruined all of my clothes with bleach, thrown away so many untensils and pots and plates, and spent 1000's of dollars on soap, bleach, and lysol. I figured that taking a break and living back at my parents home would be a great way help to me. They thought that I should see a psychiatrist and I did, but it just didn't work. It was like going to a 15 minute oil change place. I spent 50 minutes trying to explain and after the time was up he just writes me 2 prescriptions and tells me I need to have blood work done. So I agreed to go to another Dr and the same thing happened. I have never taken a drug in my life and I didn't want to start, I don't smoke or drink, and I won't even take an advil. I certainly didn't want to be on medication for the rest of my life that I wasn't even sure was going to do anything to help me. I let my fears not just become a small part of my life, but completely take me over and I didn't see how a pill was going to help correct that.

Fast forward a little over 2 years to present day and things have gotten worse than I could have ever imagined. I thought that once you hit rock bottom that the only place to go was up, but I think that I've smashed right through the rock and am still falling. I know now that all of my fears were and are centered around getting HIV or hepatitis. As I sit here typing I know that sounds ridiculous and I know it is impossible for me to contract either of the two because I don't participate in any type of risky activity. For some reason though everyday I can't rationalize like I am now especially when I get afraid. For example my mother would go to the store to buy me soap or a can of lysol and when she came home I would inspect it and if I saw a spot on it that was brown, red, or black I just assumed that it was a piece of a scab or blood and had to throw it away and immeaditely wash my hands and then clean everything my mother touched and ask her to wash her hands and I would become so afraid that I touched diseased blood that I would have panic attacks. I used soap and lysol as an example, but I would do it with everything even packages of chicken, and things like sealed cans of oatmeal, for example after I open the sealed lid if I saw anything or any spot on the tear off paper I would assume it was a piece of skin, scab, or a blood stain. Because of situtations like that I have a very hard time eating anything, finding a tooth brush I can use, etc. I might throw away as many as 15 oatmeal cans before I find one I can keep and use to eat. The thing is I dont touch any of them I have someone in my family open it and I check if it is ok, I actually dont touch anything anymore I just seem to be so afraid and unable to handle the stress. I totally rely on my family to open doors for me, buy me food, etc. Simple things have become so diffucult that I now just try and avoid them, as a result I have had to stop doing everything. For example if I was to take a drive and go to a park to sit on a bench I would start to become afraid that I was sitting in dry blood and germs and I would have to race home and lysol my entire car, throw away my clothes, wash my hands, and shower which takes me well over an hour and I would scrub so hard that it would be painful having water hit my skin the next few days in the shower.

continued.........

will_j 08-02-2005 09:44 PM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
continued.........

I have reached a point where I just don't know what to do. Like I stated before I used to be a personal trainer and bodybuilding has been a huge part of my life since I was 16 and due to all the stress and inability sometimes to even eat anything at all I have went from about 245lbs to 190lbs. I can no longer even wash my hands I feel that if I touch what I think is dry blood and wash my hands that if water bounces off the bottom of the sink and hits my wrist or my arm that those parts of my body are now dirty, then I have to immeadiately shower, and then I become worried that I'm standing in the germs that I washed off. I can't even walk on the floors in my home I wear my boots (which I bleached) everywhere I walk, any speck of dust or dirt or piece of leaves from outside that I see on my carpets or floors I just assume to be a scab. My whole day basically consists of having 1 meal maybe 2 if I'm lucky per day and going from my bed to my computer and doing nothing else. It is not only the fear but the stress of the life I was living that I can't handle anymore that has caused me to totally shut down. I haven't even left my house in 6 months and I'm not afraid of the outside per say I just cant deal with the stress of having to go throw my whole old routine of hand washing etc. I've lost a lot of time that I'm never going to get back, but I just dont want to waste anymore. Somedays I think to myself, I lived 17 years without caring about any germs and never got sick and no one in my family or that I know has ever gotten sick that I should just say the heck with it grit my teeth and not care. I try everyday to psyche myself up, but I just cant seem to do it. I feel that being afraid of germs is always going to be a part of my life and that I don't mind, but I want to at least have some sort of normal existence back. I would love if I could even just be back at the point where all I did was wash my hands a lot and avoid public restrooms and eating out.

I know this is extremely lengthy so thank you for taking the time to read this.

Punkdizzle 08-02-2005 10:22 PM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
though i dont understand 100% i DO understand the fear of germs i went through a phase where i would not touch door knobs, eat out, shake hands, or touch pretty much anything that had to do with the outside world... i remember always having to carry a little bottle of alcohol with me where ever i went just incase i had to touch something.. id even go as far as to alcohol the crap out of anything i touched before i got into the house just to be sure i killed all the germs.. ya know why? because i was so sure i had AIDS i thought if i got sick i would die... this went on until i finally got tested and found out i didnt.. this obsession was based on the fact that i had got a tattoo at a rather dirty shops years before and then heard about people getting AIDS from it.. once i got tested though it was like the obsession just went away.. i still wash up after being out in the world but its not like the obsessive washing i was doing before.. now its just when i come home.. or right before i eat or after i use the bathroom.. just the normal amount i would say..

i also went through and still go through the food contamination obsession.. mine is a little different though.. i am ok buying it but i have this obsession where if i get it home and open it and something just dosent look right to me i wont eat it.. its as if i am searching for the perfect box or something.. i havent quite put my finger on it yet.. but this comes and goes for me depending on how hungry i am and how much i really want to eat what i just bought.. its really strange even to me and its my problem.. it is getting better though the more i just force myself to eat it anyway..

i am no DR but it really sounds like CBT could help you out alot.. plus you know you can live without worring because you did for 2yrs.. there is lots of hope and help out there for you! :)

starznmyeyes 08-03-2005 12:37 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Will, I would just like to say that I completely empathize with you. I understand how these fears can completely take over your mind and it's like living in a prison. I was recently diagnosed with OCD. I'm taking 100mg of Zoloft. I've been incorporating that along with regular visits to a psychologist. My symptoms are nowhere near as severe as yours, however, I fully understand how the thoughts can creep in and become so overwhelming. What I find the most difficult is determining fact from reality; I feel that the thoughts become distorted. I begin questioning my own sanity and I wonder if my eyes are playing tricks on me.

I highly suggest that you seek out another mental health professional -- keep looking for one that fits you. This could take a while but it will be worth it once you find someone that is perfect for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. :angel:

Blue102 08-03-2005 04:02 PM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Hey, just wanted to say that I'm so sorry about your condition. But you'll get better.

I have OCD too, but only a mild case. I can relate to your Lysolling everything. It's people like us that keep Lysol in business! I know about not wanting to walk on carpet or touch anything, too. I still will not walk on the carpet in my apartment without socks (even though I steam clean it about once a month and vaccuum incessantly.) When I'm filling a glass full of water, I have to pour it out and refill it if I think the water has bounced up and touched the faucet, and things like that. As I write this, I just finished scrubbing (I don't mop, I scrub) the entire floor with hot bleach Pine Sol water. Just another day in the life of an OCDer! :)

Anyway, I think you would really benefit from meds. I was on antidepressants for a long time, and they helped a lot. I've gone off of them, but I'm still much, much better than I used to be. As far as the psychiatrist goes, it will probably take a few sessions with one before he can really get to know you and find the right med/dosage for you. OCD is a chemical imbalance in the brain...I don't care what people say, it is near impossible to conquer it without the help of meds. Because it changes the way you think, there is no 'rationalizing'. To you, you're being perfectly rational.

If I were you, I'd print out this thread that you wrote and give it to your psych when you see him again. Give the doctor a chance to get to know you and help you. Try the meds for a while and see if they work.

Best of luck to you.

Sari05 08-04-2005 01:14 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
[QUOTE=will_j]My name is Jay and I would first just like to thank everyone who reads and responds to this, I appreciate it a great deal. I'm about to turn 24 years old and OCD is destorying my life, and I've reached a point where I need some serious help. I guess I've had OCD since I was a child but never really understood it until recently.

When I was a young child I used to be obsessed with spots in my food, my mother used to have to take the time to explain very simple things to me like how certain things were just seasoning or how chicken looks different after it is grilled. As a child I just put the trust in my parents that they would never let harm come my way and I got over it. The only obsessive behavoirs I had after that point were very tiny things like making sure all of my music cd's were lined up straight and things like that, but I never really payed any attention to them because they never impacted my life all that much, I just looked at it as something I did and it just became a routine and then one day they were gone and I didn't care about them anymore.

My current problems began when I was 18 years old. I became afraid of germs. I stopped using public restrooms, hated touching door handles or knobs, stopped eating at restaurants, felt uncomfortable shaking peoples hands, and started washing my hands countless times per day. For instance if I sat down to make a sandwich I would have to un-tie the bag of bread then wash my hands, take out my slices of bread, then open up a pack of cold cuts and a jar of mayonaise re-wash my hands, make my sandwich and eat it then clean up and wash my hands once again. I found it a little annoying, but it made me feel safe and comfortable so I didn't mind, I just looked at it as part of a daily routine. During my first year of college I got involved in a serious relationship and all of a sudden my obsessive behavoirs went away. It was like one day I went from washing my hands 25+ times per day to not even worrying about it. I remember thinking about this and at the time I thought to myself I'm living with this woman, sleeping with this woman, spending 24hrs a day with her sharing everything. I figured any germs she had I was going to get. So I just basically lived like she did, a normal healthy lifestyle and didn't worry about eating out, opening a door, or washing my hands countless times per day.

For 2 years I was completely fine. I was in a realtionship, going to school, and working as a personal trainer. Then OCD started slowly creeping back into my life, but only in regards to washing my hands. I was washing my hands a minimum of 25 times per day, but I just dealt with it as a mild inconvenience and didn't think much of it. Totally unrelated to any OCD issue me and my girlfriend had an amicable breakup and for months everything was completely normal, all I did was wash my hands a lot. I was living a completely normal college life.

Then one day it was like OCD came back into my life like an avalanche and the avalanche has just been picking up speed everyday. I was of course still doing the hand washing and once again I stopped eating out and using public bathrooms. I've experienced all that before, but now more and more things began to frighten me. The best way for me to try and explain is to make a list of just a few examples so here goes......
1. I stopped shaking anyones hand even if I knew them my entire life, I became so worried about where peoples hands have been or if they had little cuts and scabs on them that were going to come into contact with me.
2. I couldn't even take a copy of the syllabus for any of my courses, I was afraid that as they were being passed around the classroom that someone had a cut or scab on their hand that was going to put germs on all of the papers.
3. I became so afraid of coming into contact with anyone especially their skin, if I was walking down a hall or sitting in a movie theatre and someone bumped into my jacket I would take it off and throw it away.
4. I could only shop at stores with self checkout lanes or online because I was so afraid of hand to hand money transactions.
5. I began using bleach and lysol so much that numerous times I almost passed out and the pain and burning in my lungs lasted for 2-3 days after I would clean. I ruined all of my furniture, walls, the inside of my car etc. I was at times spending $80-$100 on lysol every 3-4 days, I was spraying it on everything and anything I felt I touched and made dirty, for example if I came home from shop rite and had to open my door I would then have to spray my door handle.
......In addition to these things there were countless others which became more and more a part of my life and it seemed like they were multiplying everyday.

My life had become nothing more than one unbelievably stressful and frightening day after another. As a result I had to quit shcool, quit work, and move back into my parents home. I had ruined my apartment and possesions with lysol stains, thrown away or ruined all of my clothes with bleach, thrown away so many untensils and pots and plates, and spent 1000's of dollars on soap, bleach, and lysol. I figured that taking a break and living back at my parents home would be a great way help to me. They thought that I should see a psychiatrist and I did, but it just didn't work. It was like going to a 15 minute oil change place. I spent 50 minutes trying to explain and after the time was up he just writes me 2 prescriptions and tells me I need to have blood work done. So I agreed to go to another Dr and the same thing happened. I have never taken a drug in my life and I didn't want to start, I don't smoke or drink, and I won't even take an advil. I certainly didn't want to be on medication for the rest of my life that I wasn't even sure was going to do anything to help me. I let my fears not just become a small part of my life, but completely take me over and I didn't see how a pill was going to help correct that.

Fast forward a little over 2 years to present day and things have gotten worse than I could have ever imagined. I thought that once you hit rock bottom that the only place to go was up, but I think that I've smashed right through the rock and am still falling. I know now that all of my fears were and are centered around getting HIV or hepatitis. As I sit here typing I know that sounds ridiculous and I know it is impossible for me to contract either of the two because I don't participate in any type of risky activity. For some reason though everyday I can't rationalize like I am now especially when I get afraid. For example my mother would go to the store to buy me soap or a can of lysol and when she came home I would inspect it and if I saw a spot on it that was brown, red, or black I just assumed that it was a piece of a scab or blood and had to throw it away and immeaditely wash my hands and then clean everything my mother touched and ask her to wash her hands and I would become so afraid that I touched diseased blood that I would have panic attacks. I used soap and lysol as an example, but I would do it with everything even packages of chicken, and things like sealed cans of oatmeal, for example after I open the sealed lid if I saw anything or any spot on the tear off paper I would assume it was a piece of skin, scab, or a blood stain. Because of situtations like that I have a very hard time eating anything, finding a tooth brush I can use, etc. I might throw away as many as 15 oatmeal cans before I find one I can keep and use to eat. The thing is I dont touch any of them I have someone in my family open it and I check if it is ok, I actually dont touch anything anymore I just seem to be so afraid and unable to handle the stress. I totally rely on my family to open doors for me, buy me food, etc. Simple things have become so diffucult that I now just try and avoid them, as a result I have had to stop doing everything. For example if I was to take a drive and go to a park to sit on a bench I would start to become afraid that I was sitting in dry blood and germs and I would have to race home and lysol my entire car, throw away my clothes, wash my hands, and shower which takes me well over an hour and I would scrub so hard that it would be painful having water hit my skin the next few days in the shower.

continued.........[/QUOTE]

Hi Will J,

I read both of your post's. I just want to let you know that you are not the only who feels that way. I have OCD too, I have a obsession of washing myself. I wash my hands alot too, also I feel that if clothes feel on the floor I wouldn't wear them because they might have germs on them. Also when I shower, I shower twice. In May of this year, I didn't shower for 3 nights because I was afraid of showering. Also I am on medication, I am seeing a shrink and a psychologist. I know how you feel, having OCD is horrible.
Do you have intrusive thoughts? ( you know thoughts of killing people who are close to you like: your family) I have intrusive thoughts, I have thoughts of killing my family. But I will not kill my family, I do not want to do that because I am not that kind of a person.
Anyway I really hope that you will get the help that you need, you should see a good shrink or psychologist. Also you can always talk to all of us on this board, we know what it is like to have OCD, and we are there for you.

Take care and keep in touch!!!! Keep me posted on your OCD, I want to know.

Thief_In_Aid 08-04-2005 02:48 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Get over it! I didn't get a chance to read all the replies, but I am going to give some advice that I have learned through life and it helped me a lot. When I was younger, I was afraid of something being underneath by bed, so finally one night, I said screw it, and slept, on the floor, right next to my bed, and never had the fear after that. Then, I had the fear of heights, so I went bungee jumping, and although still a little worried when up high, plan on goin sky diving someday. But the point I am tryin to get accross, is that if I was in your situation, I would try my hardest not to worry about the germs, and I guess in a way, mess with my brain. For a day, I would only use public restrooms, not wash my hands all day, shake many hands, open a lot of doors, and if outside, run my hand on public things such as railing and on whatever else ppl put their hands on all the time. I can't say I fully say that this jolt to ya will cure you for life, but in my opinion, I think it would help a lot. I know how hard it would prolly be for you to do, but between the chose of takin meds, seeking prof. help, or attempting to over come the fear by doin what I stated above, I would try my idea first just to see if it would jolt the idea of germs out of your mind. Now, I'm not saying germs arn't bad, I myself wash my hands after using the restroom, or if I touch somethin dirty, but this fear needs to be overcome. I understand that my idea to some or many may seem stupid or pointless, but it has worked for me on many occasions, and hopefully, if you decide to attepmt my idea, will help you.

Thanks for taking the time to read and consider this different approach, and please keep me updated if you decide to try my approach and if it works for you.

will_j 08-04-2005 08:44 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Thank you all very much for replying I appreciate it. I've been to 2 dif psychiatrists and a therapist, but I guess we just don't mesh well. I am in the process of looking for someone who specializes in CBT. Perhaps it would be a good idea to print this out like Blue suggested and show it to the next person I meet with.

Sari... Yes I have intrusive thoughts, but never in regards to harming anyone or anything.

Thief_In_Aid...Thank you for replying, but I have to respectfully disagree with your suggestion. I look at something like being afraid of heights as something you can avoid easier than germs, you don't need to climb a ladder in day to day life. I need to be able to eat and I need to be able to get off of my bed and walk to use a bathroom or get a glass of water to just survive. Believe me I try my hardest everyday to not be afraid, but I just can't control it, I got rid of it once, but that is not a cure and now it is worse than ever. As for your suggestion of messing with my brain there is no way that I can do that. If someone said they would pay me a thousand dollars to go use a public toilet I still wouldn't do it. If I was to touch something that I saw a spot on and thought that it was dry blood and then not wash my hands immeadiately, my heart would begin to race, my face would feel very numb, I would start sweating profusely, have a very hard time breathing, I would become sick to my stomach, and maybe even faint.

Amberay 08-04-2005 08:50 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Theif In Aid- I know that you are trying to help, but to simply say "get over it" may be easier said then done. He has a severe case of OCD. If everyone could do it that way, then OCD would not be a problem. I'm sure he along with many others, including myself have taken that approach. Sometimes people need medication and a professional to talk to. Doing it on your own is not always that answer, if you need help, you need help. Will J- you deserve to get better and live a normal, happy life! Don't look at being on meds. as "something you have to do for the rest of your life". It's just one pill a day. If that's part of what it takes to help you see the light, then I think it's worth it. It may take a few tries, and meds wont get rid of all your symptoms, but they will help you to live a more functional life again. When Gatsbyluv1920 gets back into town on the 11th, I'm sure she will reply to you. She has helped me through a very hard time. She's very wise, and has a big heart. I hope that you get a chance to talk to her. Take care, and keep us posted!

Punkdizzle 08-04-2005 09:11 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
well Thief_In_Aid makes good point and yes that idea does work for some people... just forcing myself to do the things i fear did reduce some of the hold OCD had on me and in some cases it destroyed the fear all together... but i think this really depends on the person and just how bad the OCD is.. so IMHO his idea isnt really all that bad for a person with really mild OCD or someone who is just starting to get a new phobia from it.. but for someone that is really suffering bad from it meds and CBT are much more helpful to treat it..

Thief_In_Aid 08-04-2005 07:19 PM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
First off, I apologise for the first part of "Get over it", just wanted to get your attention. And I do not and cannot fully understand your condition, I was just tryin to help with a different approach. I read about what you said happens to you if you don't wash your hands if you were to touch something that you thought may be blood; however, if it wouldn't kill you, which I have no idea if you could have a panic attact or something and it could, why not just throw yourself in a siuation that's full of germs. Now, I'm not teillin you to go put your food in a toliet, and then eat the food, but find a place or something that you fear the most, and approach it. For instance, if the thought of laying on your bathroom floor makes your heart race, then do it, or have someone hold you on the floor and not let you get up. I am just attempting to understand how you could worry so much, and then it go away, then come back. I am a hard believer of mind over matter, and I know someone is goin to say that it's not that easy, but it wouldn't hurt to try. I just wish I could have known you in person to understand this more, and would try to help you get through this. I myself could never realize my life in your shoes, but I would help in anyway I could any day. If you safely attempt my way, and it does not work, then I'm sorry I couldn't help, but if it really couldn't kill you, then what do you have to lose?

starznmyeyes 08-05-2005 12:12 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Will,

I'm still praying for you, let us know how you are doing. Have you thought about reading any books on this subject? Sometimes books help me understand what's going on and gives me ideas on how to help myself. Don't give up on yourself. Keep researching and looking for ways to get help.

I noticed you said you were into bodybuilding, or used to be. Do you not do that anymore? I have recently started working out a few months ago, strength training and doing cardio. I've always admired bodybuilders and their incredible discipline with diet and exercise. :)

Keep your chin up. :angel:

thaprince11 08-05-2005 12:38 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
hey i am new to this board and am also an ocd sufferer. it is sad to hear ur story because i know how it feels. so much of what u said sounds absolutely familiar (esp throwing stuff away, watever i wear almost every day i end up throwing away, i am running out of clothes....) my case may not be as bad as urs, but i feel as though it is heading there and i would do anything to stop it. as of now i have trouble doing even the simplest things, such as picking something up from the store. it is hard for me to find food because i think some kind of poison will somehow alwyas make it into the food, whether i see it or not. theres a million other things i could go on about, but this isnt my story, its a response to urs. i understand completely how all these irrational thoughts seem SO rational and so real. my only advice, and this is hard to follow, as me myself is not cured at all so obviously im havin trouble following my own advice......but what i try to tell myself every day is to accept that YES, there is a chance of anything i think coming true. i accept the fact that its rationaly a POSSIBILITY, and only then am i able to put it in perspective and see how low of a possibliity it really is. and as we both know, the possibility is so minute that itd be a better chance of the entire world blowing up before morning. at the same time, i know that it feels like watever we fear is most likely going to come true. basically it comes down to this. the way we are living, we might as well not be living because we suffer much more than humans were designed to suffer. to be honest, this suffering is worth than death. so u got 2 options.... go out, take some risks, and take a chance of dying, gettin a disease, watever.....(a very low chance, but sure it will seem much higher than it is in ur brain), or live the way u are living now, which im sure at times u consider is as bad or worse than death (at least i do, with my own life). its kinda like playin the odds.... live a normal life, and ur odds of surviving are probably about 99%. even if ur mind distorts those odds, say u even think the odds are 20% u will live.....if u live the way ur living now, the odds are 0% that u will actually truly live. so its kinda like a 'what do u got to lose' situation. at least give urself a CHANCE to live, u know what im sayin. the more u live the more u will find out that the odds of ur survival are MUCH higher than u thought at first, but that is not important right now. the important thing is that u (as well as myself) give urself a chance to live. i know ocd is such a pain in the *** because i deal with it every day, i am jus tryin to give my best advice because i always like it when ppl try to give me advice and help me. also, i think u should take medication. i also hate medication and i also refuse to even take advil or ibprofun. but just recently (2 weeks ago) i decided i couldnt live the way i was living anymore. any damage the pills might do to me will be much less than what the stress has been doin to me. well, i wish u luck and if u want to ever talk about this feel free to email me at [i] [ please read and follow the posting rules - no emails ] [/i]. that goes to anybody readin this who wants to talk about their problems with ocd. i dont mean to sound like somebody who knows it all, because i am currently struggling severely, i just feel that i KNOW the way to beat this more than im actually ABLE to apply it to my own life. so i feel like maybe it can at least help somebody else. and i feel that someday i will be able to overcome this. and i hope u will 2.



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will_j 08-05-2005 09:30 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Thief_In_Aid...There is no need to apologize, we are all just trying to help one another out. I appreciate your advice and that you took the time to write a response. No matter how hard I try I just can't psyche myself up like that. For example, say I was hungry and wanted to eat an apple, the rational part of my mind knows that it is harmless and that millions of people eat apples everyday, but for some reason it is like my mind becomes so consumed with thoughts that maybe whoever stocked these apples at the supermarket had a cut on their hand and got blood on my apple. No matter how hungry I get and how awful, weak, and sick I feel from not eating, that feeling of starving is way better than dealing with the fear that would last for weeks if I actually ate that apple.

Starznmyeyes...Bodybuilding used to be such a huge part of my life and I miss it more than I can convey. My father competed for many years and I began at a very young age and started working as a personal trainer when I was still in highschool. The combination of stress, not eating, and not training has caused me to lose years of hard work which more than anything angers me. I feel that if I could somehow even get past my fears for a short time and get back to living that type of lifestyle that it would help conquer my fears because I would never want to not have it in my life like it is now. If I could give you one piece of advice it would be to not let a bodybuilding type of lifestyle consume you. Having been in and out of gyms my entire life and always being around competitive bodybuilding and having many friends still involved with it I've seen it have a negative effect on far to many men and woman to count. Without you even noticing, it can turn you into a very self absorbed and self centered person and can put a huge strain not only on you, but your social and family life as well.

Thaprince...Thank you very much for trying to help and taking the time to respond. I fully understand your point and I think searching for absolute 100% certainty only feeds OCD, but I just seem to have less and less control of my mind especially when a fear quickly springs on to me, at that point it is extremely hard for me to calm down and think any rational thought.

Blue102 08-05-2005 10:17 AM

Re: OCD..this is my story and I really need help
 
Please let us know how things turn out for you, Will.


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