I'm sure I have OCD. When I went to a counsellor a while ago her opinion was that yes, it could be OCD, but unless it is controlling my life then it's not a problem.
I have intrusive thoughts, such as wishing my mum & dad would die in an airplane crash so that I could have the house home alone forever, for example. OBVIOUSLY I don't wish this. I love my parents to bits and would rather have no house or anything, just as long as I had them.
I thought that it had only come on in the last few years, but thinking back in hindsight, I remember when I was in the first or second year of school (about 10 years ago) I wrote a christmas card to my teacher. I must have opened it and re-sealed it about ten times, to keep on checking that I hadnt written anything bad in it, or "Love from" instead of "From". I never did have the nerve to post that card.
I was watching somebody clear the dinner table the other day and she got some food on her thumb from someone else's plate! It made me feel sick, sent a shiver down my spine and made my stomach turn -this FOOD from someone's plate -on HER THUMB
-and she didn't even care!!!
Thus I am pretty certain I've got some OCD. I've been reading this board for months and everything I read is so familiar and relevant to me.
But the real reason I'm posting is because something else is wrong. Sometimes I just need to do things that are so completely disgusting. It's so bad that I wonder whether this is even the place to be posting it. I'm going to lose all the respect I had up to now by writing this next bit... Hmmmmm. Well I suppose I've not got much to lose. /Well, sometimes, when I'm in public toilets and I need a number 2... I will do something quite morally wrong. I will take a small piece of the untalkable and hide it somewhere, say stick it behind the toilet cistern or some place it won't be found. It's disgusting - I know it is, but why do I do it? Once, I did a similar thing. I discreetly nudged the offending article outside with my shoe. I then waited, moving back and forth between the sinks and the hand dryer, waiting for my victim to make the wrong step. My college lecturer was that victim. I didn't feel happy, sad, guilty, or feel any satisfaction out of it at all - so why do I still need to do it? Not that it makes it any better, but I have only done this kind of thing about 3-4 times.
My concern is this. If I am doing such weird (and disgusting) things like this now, what if I do even more sick and twisted things when I am older? Maybe I'll be a killer, and start cutting people up in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre style. I don't think I will - I certainly don't feel that way inclined...
And as for the disgusting compulsions described above - it is very odd. I am so careful not to touch anything in public toilets - I use toilet paper to turn the tap on and get soap, and a new piece of paper to turn tap back off. Then I have to either wait for someone to come in so I can leave without touching the door, or use another piece of toilet paper to open the door etc etc. So how can I be so different - being so disgusted that I can't touch a tap that someone else has touched, yet, am quite happy to do what I mentioned earlier on.
I've just had a thought. Could it be some subconcious 'animal instinct', to mark the place as my territory, in an attempt to feel more comfortable in the currently dirty cenvironment
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